The Velvet Blog

Smackdown!: Punxsutawney Phil vs. Phil Collins

2012-02-02T09:29:00.003-05:00

A rerun from last year. Hey, it's topical again!
Punxsutawney Phil

WHO?: The most famous of spring-predicting groundhogs.

PRO: Inspired the classic film Groundhog Day. Right 39% of the time, according to random page I found on the Internet.

CON: Wrong 61% of the time. Basically, as Bill Murray has pointed out, an overgrown squirrel.

Phil Collins

WHO?: Singer/songwriter/drummer/vague annoyance.

PRO: There's so much he needs to say to you--so many reasons why.

CON: If you told him you were drowning, he would not lend a hand. Also, "Sussudio": What the hell was that about?

WINNER: Gotta go with Punxsutawney Phil. Groundhog Day really is a classic. Also, who knows how many people Phil Collins has allowed to drown?

The more things change...

2012-01-31T10:46:00.010-05:00

Folks across the Net are finding the product placement for Subway in Monday's episode of Hawaii Five O to be pretty ridiculous, and with good reason (because it is ridiculous):

But I'd like to point out this used to be the norm. Netflix was, until recently, streaming episodes of Burns and Allen, and I caught a few before they disappeared. Twice in every episode, the plot is interrupted by plugs for Carnation:

And, yes, the Flintstones used to shill for Winston cigarettes during the first season of the show. The bits weren't integrated into the dialogue quite like Burns and Allen, but the ads looked like part of the show:

Well, this post has been extra tiring, for some reason. I think I'm going to relax, put up my feet, and enjoy some delicious Lindt chocolates. Mmmmm. They sure are good!

Reminder that the Internet doesn't neccessarily bring out the best in people

2012-01-30T11:41:00.007-05:00

Yeah, yeah. I know, it's not really breaking news.

But a comment on this USA Today story caught my eye, boiling down what's wrong with the Internet to its essence. Headline:

Comment on said story, and note that the person leaving the comment is around 60 years old, uses his real name and photo (he's on Facebook), and is a USA Today "Top Commenter."

There are certain people who pine for a return to the America of the 1950s, lulled by false sense of what the country was like at that time (or eager to return to a time when people knew their place in society).

All I'm saying is, I'd be happy if we merely returned to a time when the only way to comment on news stories was by bothering the bejesus out of family members or yelling on street corners.

Postcard of the day

2012-01-29T11:29:00.003-05:00

Aug. 24, 1908

dear Jake are you lonesome. Raymond

The debates are just getting ridiculous now

2012-01-24T08:51:00.001-05:00

It looks like Newt won this one, though.

It's a natural, natural, natural desire*

2012-01-19T08:20:00.004-05:00

Haven't listened yet, but I see the new The Projection Booth podcast features a discussion of what has become my favorite bad movie, The Apple, with director Menahem Golan and star Catherine Mary Stewart.

*Meet an actual, actual, actual vampire.

Busy, busy, busy

2012-01-17T09:32:00.004-05:00

Things are crazy busy. Expect even-lighter-than-usual posting for a bit.

Here, enjoy this song by Jeremy Messermith [sic], as animated by Eric Power:

Here's a link to a live thing Messersmith did for NPR. A friend recommended him recently, and I'm really digging.

Mysterious postcard message of the day

2012-01-11T22:00:00.008-05:00

Oct. 17th, 1907

I still weigh 123. Love C.H.

In case you can't make that out, the message is written upside down, around the right-side-up date, on the front of the card. Odd.

As late as the early 20th century, you couldn't write on the side of the postcard where the address is written--I'm not sure why, or when the regulations changed.

Click on the "postcards" label below for more.

Oh, enough already

2012-01-09T11:34:00.003-05:00

Various news headlines, from Google News, on the surge that is Santorum:

Santorum's surge fizzling in NH --Albany Times Union
The Santorum surge is alive and well‎ --Washington Post
Santorum surge poses dilemma for lawmakers --The Hill
Santorum surge thrills some TN conservatives --The Tennessean
Morality behind Santorum's surge‎ --Monroe News Star
Romney seems optimistic in face of Santorum surge --Los Angeles Times

I hereby declare a moratorium.

The end of a season means the beginning of a new one

2012-01-09T09:24:00.012-05:00

Oh, After Last Season--you are truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Concerned reader God Is My Codependent noticed that the trailer embedded in my 2009 review of the oddball film After Last Season was "removed for copyright violations" from YouTube.

I did find another copy that had not been taken down:

But I also noticed that, mysteriously, a new trailer went up last spring, one that attempts (with only limited success) to make the decidedly crazy movie look more linear and conventional:

I can only assume that the producers, hoping to recoup some of the $5 million spent on this curiosity, are trying to persuade a distributor to release it and capture some of that sweet, sweet midnight-screenings-of-Birdemic cash. They even spent money on new graphics.

So far, no luck, as I see on the Amazon page that the DVD for After Last Season is no longer available.

But, oh, the comments of the film's supporters sure are enthusiastic, and not in an ironic reviews vein, either.

This one comes from Chris anr8:

This movie isn't the most visually stunning film.

I'm with you so far, Chris anr8!

With a budget of $5 million, the entire movie will not look like the recent Green Lantern film which costs about $200 million to make. But the movie has some very realistic and frightening moments created through special effects.

Well ... no.

It goes beyond being just a small thriller. The experience achieved by the movie is sometimes disturbing ...

True!

... and overall, it is magical.

And you lost me again.

You won't be able to tell the difference between what is real and what is not real by the middle of the movie.

And, again, true, if you mean reality in general and not this movie.

After Last Season starts out like a joke.

A bad, baffling movie walks into a bar ...

At the end of the movie, you begin to understand why some scenes and some sets appear so outrageous. After Last Season stars Jason Kulas (who plays Matt), Peggy McClellan (who plays Sarah), Scott Winters (Dr. Marlen), Casey McDougal (Anne), Joan-Marie Dewsnap, William York and Tristan Cole. In the future, the main characters are tied to some murders and use a new technology.

Actually, no. That's a dream. A dream that takes up about 40% of the movie and doesn't actually affect the plot at all.

They filmed the movie on 35mm and it is rated PG-13. The DVD has 5.1 surround sound (which is neat for many parts of the movie.).

Well, the weird sonic murk did freak out my dog several times.

This one from Alex 510 has the subject line "Nonstop entertainment":

From the opening, After Last Season starts to grab your attention. The movie doesn't resemble your standard movie. Events start to happen that are mysterious and baffling. You see a snapshot of the lives of the characters. Jason Kulas as Matt introduces you to a new world of technology. Peggy McClellan as Sarah shows you a dimension of technology that you have never seen before. They are fascinating. and for some of us who are young at heart or teenagers, humor is present in the story. The other actors like Scott Winters, Joan-marie Dewsnap and Casey McDougal are serious and funny. Great way to spend a Friday evening.

Lindsay says this is a "great way to escape your life":

Took a break and watched the movie. Loved the movie. A view of the future mixed with some thriller. I recommend it to anyone who wants to get away from their busy life or who wants to spend an evening watching a movie.

A breakthrough--how did producers never think of that before?! A movie that's intended to be watched!

James C. says it "keeps you on the edge of your seat":

Not a masterpiece. Not an action flick. Still has some action in it and it will keep you on the edge of your seat. Low budget movie with adrenaline. I wish I could have seen this movie inside a theater when it was released in 2009. The effects you get from the movie would have been ten times greater. Excellent DVD. Well worth the money.

In order to stay on the edge of your seat without falling off, please use a seatbelt. Otherwise, you may pass out and fall off.

But my favorite comes from J. Rollit:

After Last Season was not what I expected it to be. It appears to be something then as you watch it; ...

An incomprehensible attempt at making a movie by someone who has no idea how movies work?

it turns into something else.

A frog? No, wait .... I dreamed that.

It looks like the people behind the movie went out of their way to create a different kind of movie.

Yes. An unwatchable one.

Some scenes contain the simplest sets. The computer animation is primitive one moment and sophisticated in others. The special effects are plain and visible one minute and the next they are photo-realistic.

OK, now you're not even trying to be believable.

It seems like the director wanted to leave just enough clues in the dialogues and designs to tell the viewers what is going on. It looks like he may have left too few hints because if you don't pay attention to the dialogues, you can easily lose track of the plot. I watched the latest trailer on the official web site and that helped me understand what is going on.

Also, the magic mushrooms helped.

You know the names of some of the characters right away.

He's got me there. That really does help.

Needless to say, you don't have to understand the whole plot to be captivated by the movie. It is thrilling and scary just by watching it.

As opposed to say, thrilling and scary by just staring at the DVD case.

Thanks, J. Rollit! I look forward to your guest-hosting gig on Sneak Previews, but only because it's no longer on the air.

"He's here ... my Mystery Candidate!"

2012-01-05T10:15:00.005-05:00

Could a mystery candidate for GOP race still emerge?

Republicans this year have the best chance of defeating a sitting Democratic president since Ronald Reagan toppled Jimmy Carter more than three decades ago, but Democratic heavyweights are quietly celebrating the fact that, given Tuesday night's caucus results, that task has just become harder. ...

Where do Republicans go from here in their search for a nominee? There appear to be three possible scenarios:

(1) The probability: Romney marches on to victory in Florida (my guess: 65% likelihood). ...

(2) The possibility: A more conservative candidate takes it away from Romney (25% likelihood). ...

(3) The long shot: Someone else enters the campaign (10% chance or less). Normally, this late in the game, a new entrant to the contest would be the stuff of science fiction. But conservative voters seem to be singularly dismayed by the choices in front of them ...

Mystery Candidate--the thrilling new Milton Bradley game of romance and mystery that's just for you and you and you!

Mystery Candidate--Will you be ready for ~~swimming … or a dance?~~ closing down an abortion clinic or busting a union? When you open the door, will your Mystery Candidate be a ~~dream … or a dud~~ Randian superman or a RINO?

Fun and surprises--that's Mystery Candidate!

Remember: Milton Bradley makes the best games in the world. So, girls …

Open the door for your Mystery Candidate!

Bad Movie Club

2012-01-04T16:38:00.003-05:00

Hey, The Velvet Blog got a nice shout-out from the World O' Crap blog. I'm deeply, deeply honored.

Visitors from Wo'C may also enjoy examinations of The Apple, After Last Season, and Birdemic.

I'm so glad the Republican nomination will be wrapped up today.

2012-01-03T09:27:00.002-05:00

Wait ... that's wrong? I'm going to have to continue hearing about this? Oh.

2011-12-31T18:33:00.001-05:00

Link dump

2011-12-29T10:44:00.007-05:00

Odds and ends I've linked to on Facebook lately, but not here:

I was pretty appalled at all the gullible news coverage of the death of the supposed Cheetah from the Tarzan movies. Of course, it's ridiculous.

You can buy Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 for your e-reader. At what temperature do Kindles burn?

Made a batch of fudge, but swapped in dried cherries for the chopped nuts. Oh my God!!

The Minnesota state senator who was leading an anti-same-sex amendment to the state constitution was, of course, having an affair with a staffer. Seems sort of inevitable, no?

If sock monkeys celebrated the nativity.

Postcard of the day

2011-12-28T12:58:00.004-05:00

April 10, 1948

Dear Mother and Daddy:

We came out here for the week end to see if this desert air would cure our colds--or rather mine. I have another one.

It is sure pretty here--all the flowers, etc.

Will see you later.

Love,
Helen, Dan, Marilyn

Quotation of the day

2011-12-25T17:26:00.003-05:00

The two barely met [at Harvard], but if [Mitt] Romney had known where [George W.] Bush “was gonna go, I would have been on him like white on rice,” he later told The Atlantic. --The New York Times

Because if there's anything Mitt admires, it's white!

2011-12-24T13:13:00.001-05:00

The Velvet Poll

2011-12-21T09:08:00.006-05:00

Gah! So, this stupid software doesn't list the questions in the order I wrote them. I thought I fixed it, but no. See below for intended order.

The Velvet Poll

1. Does "The Velvet Poll" sound dirty to you?

2. Did you ever notice The Velvet Blog's eyes are dreamy? Really, you could get lost in them, couldn't you?

3. Have you bought The Velvet Blog anything for Christmas yet?

4. If not, you do realize there are only a few shopping days left, right?

5. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

6. Wait--that isn't a yes-or-no question, is it?

7. Still, did you think, "None, because the Democrats are stealing our light bulbs"?

8. If so, and you're a member of my family, can you not sit next to me at Christmas?

9. Did you know you can add questions to this poll?

Just saw on Urtak site that there's no way to fix order--questions are in random order. WAY TO KILL A JOKE, URTAK!!! Also, that's pretty stupid. If you were doing a serious poll, you'd still want questions in a particular order, no?

Also, you have to sign up before you ask a question, and if you don't feel like doing that, leave it in comments, and I'll add.

This just in: Colbert Report staff now directing Ron Paul's campaign

2011-12-20T09:28:00.004-05:00

Emerging as a real Republican contender in Iowa, Representative Ron Paul of Texas is receiving new focus for decades-old unbylined columns in his political newsletters that included racist, anti-gay and anti-Israel passages that he has since disavowed. ...

Mr. Paul, who is a physician, had said his political persuasion as a libertarian precluded him from harboring such biased views because “I don’t see people in collective groups.” --The New York Times

"Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir.'" --Stephen Colbert

Smackdown!: El Santo vs. Santa Claus vs. Claus von Bulow

2011-12-18T19:28:00.001-05:00

Woo-hoo! A rerun from 2006. It's my Christmas gift to you.

You're welcome.

El Santo

WHO?: Beefy Mexican wrestler/crime fighter, and star of hundreds of very cheap movies.

PROS: Fights evildoers. Brings joy to Spanish-speaking children and wrestling fans. Gives hope to the full-figured that they, too, can fight crime. Impressively fills out a Speedo.

CONS: Poor fashion sense. His films are boring and poorly made. What is he hiding with that mask, anyway?

Santa Claus

WHO?: Jolly old elf and commercializer of Christmas. Subject of dozens of films, including Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

PROS: Delivers presents. Brings joy to children. Gives hope to the full-figured that they, too, can look good in bright colors.

CONS: Nagging rumors about those creepy elves. Presents often turn out to be underwear. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians marked film debut of Pia Zadora. What is he hiding with that beard, anyway?

Claus von Bulow

WHO?: Husband of socialite Sunny von Bulow. Subject of film, Reversal of Fortune.

PROS: Generous in giving sweets to his wife. Role of von Bulow earned Jeremy Irons an Oscar. Gives hope to the psychopathologically social-climbing.

CONS: Wife was diabetic and went into a coma. Whatever happened to Jeremy Irons? Why did Irons believe starring in a film of Dungeons & Dragons was a good career move? Also, do you think Irons has had some work done? Last time I saw him, he looked a little weird. I mean, not Kenny Rogers weird or Burt Reynolds weird, but still.

WINNER: Claus von Bulow. I love getting candy.*

*I realize he was actually accused of giving his wife an overdose of insulin, but that's just not funny. Sickos.

Search term of the day

2011-12-14T09:53:00.003-05:00

pride and prejudice socks

I can't decide if I want this to be an official Jane Austen product tie-in, or a great typo.

UPDATE: Concerned reader God Is My Codependent finds this is an actual thing.

A personal Christmas wish for you, from Phil Spector

2011-12-14T08:23:00.003-05:00

This will have to reign as creepiest Christmas track until that long-suppressed "A Very Charlie Manson Christmas" album finally sees the light of day.

Loneliness makes us do strange things

2011-12-12T16:03:00.005-05:00

Return of a favorite typo, this time from Mediaite, which is kind of like Gawker with a lobotomy:

During a recent holiday season, Master Sgt. Robert Allen was stationed in Iraq, far away from his wife back home. So, he wrote a song about how much he missed her and sent it to her on Christmas Eve. According to Allen, his wife Carla “balled her eyes out when she heard it.”

Note that a) the typo was not in the original material being quoted and b) it's been up since Dec. 5.

Satan ... Santa ... oh, whatever

2011-12-12T09:22:00.010-05:00

Another repurposed post. Woo-hoo!

This excerpt from a 1959 Mexican documentary reveals that Satan and his imps really know how to cut a rug:

It may be true, as the saying goes, that the devil has all the best tunes. Now we know that he's also a Bob Fosse wannabe. (Jazz hands!)

There's a Mystery Science Theater 3000 version--part 1 is here--that's much more bearable than the original version.

TCM ran the un-MST3K'd version last year, and, let me tell you, it is virtually impossible to get through with sanity (and wakefulness) intact. There's a scene early on in which the children of the world greet Santa in sort of pageant of ethnic and racist cliches (here's the first 10 minutes of the original Spanish-language "Santa Claus"--check out the African children's presentation about 3 minutes in), and it's just endless. Truly, it hurts.

And, yes, I saw this at a matinee when I was small. The mouth on Santa's Magic Teletalker--2 minutes and 15 seconds into this English-dubbed clip--was nightmare fuel:

Things I learned from the SkyMall catalog on my flight home

2011-12-09T12:25:00.005-05:00

--There's nothing more frustrating than having your best bra ruined by a washing machine or dryer!
--Protein Ketchup is the world's first protein-fortified condiment.
--The patented menorahment^TM design of the Hanukkah Tree Topper^TM makes a great gift for Hanukkah or Christmas traditions.
--With his characteristically big feet, our more than two-foot-tall Garden Yeti will have your guests doing a double take.
--The Porch Potty* includes plush synthetic grass, scented fire hydrant, and indoor/outdoor self drainage.

*Yes, if you're too lazy to let your dog out, he can pee in your house. The Premium Porch Potty offers an automated rince and drain system that utilizes embedded sprinklers and an optional water timer to assure the cleanest environment possible.

Note: All copy verbatim from SkyMall catalog except for the sentence, "Yes, if you're too lazy to let your dog out, he can pee in your house."

Just slightly passive-aggressive Christmas-themed postcard of the day

2011-12-04T14:47:00.005-05:00

Dec. 15, 194[?]

Dear folks:

Look for a card or letter from you tomorrow?

Tonite Prescott has a blackout from 8 to 9. We sort of look for you folks next Sunday or Monday.

I want to wrap a few gifts this afternoon. Hope you don't go to a lot of work for us.

Ray has some tiny colored light on our Christmas trees outside. They are so pretty.

Much love,
Dorothy

Might as well face it--you're addicted to plagiarism

2011-12-04T11:16:00.002-05:00

As noted a few posts ago, first-time novelist Quentin Rowan was caught plagiarizing 15-ish (the number keeps growing every time I read about what happened) spy novels to concoct a cut-and-paste novel of his own (or, as I guess I should put it, his "own"). His explanation of what happened has changed from that he "didn't feel capable" of handling requested revisions (scroll down to comments) to, now, his addiction made him do it. It's one of the weirdest nonapology apologies I've ever read.

Magic helicopter, my ass

2011-12-01T07:28:00.001-05:00

It's December, meaning we're in for rerun season here at Casa Velvet. If the major TV networks can get away with it, why can't I? (Oh, I'll try to chime in with something new if I can, but busy, busy, busy.)

Expect lots of truly horrible Christmas-themed videos. Like a personal favorite, "A Trip to Santa":

When I was four or five-ish, my parents brought me to the parking lot of Billy Blake's department store (a now-long-defunct '60s discount chain) for the arrival of Santa -- in his decidedly unmagic helicopter. He began climbing down the rope ladder when ... the pillow under his coat fell out.

Cries of bafflement were heard from the wilds of suburban Long Island to the North Pole. Mom, thinking quickly, explained that it was not actually Santa, but one of his many helpers.

Confused, I went on believing until the year* I noticed the remnants of a price tag on the box of a board game. Santa, if he existed--I reasoned--would have his elf indentured servants make toys. He would not buy retail.

*2005, give or take.

PARENTHETICAL ADDENDUM: I'm not kidding about the price tag on the board game--that's really how I figured out I'd been the object of what amounts to a years-long practical joke (somewhat before 2005).

Flying reindeer? Fine! Fat man comes down the chimney? No problem!

Remnant of a price tag on supposedly elf-made game? Now hold on one darn minute there, mister!!

The three phases of pie

2011-11-25T15:21:00.007-05:00

But don't quote me on it

2011-11-21T21:26:00.004-05:00

I came across this absolutely amazing story of plagiarism yesterday (part 2 of the story is here--be sure to scroll down for the admitted plagiarist's explanation). Short version: A debut novelist plagiarized his entire spy opus from around a dozen sources (including Robert Ludlum and post-Fleming James Bond novels), creating a "new" work by changing character names and that's about all. This inspired me to respond to IMs from concerned reader God Is My Codependent only in repurposed statements today. Given that I don't want to be accused of plagiarism, I'm fully annotating my responses.

Me: I think for the rest of the day, I'm only going to send you plagiarized IMs.

GIMC: Did you plagiarize that one?

Me: No. I haven't started yet.

GIMC: I've got plots for novels that I think are good, yet I don't think I am capable of writing them. Still, it never occurred to me to find bits and pieces of other novels and try to fit them into my plot.

Me: Most writers will have trouble with writer's block at some point in their lives. The possible reasons for writer's block are myriad: fear, anxiety, a life change, the end of a project, the beginning of a project . . . almost anything, it seems, can cause that debilitating feeling of fear and frustration. [1]

GIMC: I'd be more afraid of being caught as a plagiarist.

Me: Students who want to plagiarize can do so with little fear of getting caught. It is just a matter of increasing the effort put into it. However, with anti-plagiarism tools available, no student should want to plagiarize at all because the effort and time required to avoid detection is equal to or greater than the effort of creating an original work. [2]

GIMC: Where are you getting this?

Me: None of your questions are offending to us, in fact nothing is offending to us because every thing that happens is in the hukam of akal purakh, staying in puran hukam is the gurmat and fighting with the hukam is the munmat. [3]

GIMC: You should do a TVB post entitled, "Some thoughts on democracy" and just post the Declaration of Independence.

Me: It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known. [4]

GIMC: Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight and no one's gone over to close his eyes. [5]

Me: Small Change was recorded, direct to 2-track stereo tape, July 15, 19, 20, 21, and 29, 1976 at the Wally Heider Recording Studio, in Hollywood, USA under the production of Bones Howe. [6]

GIMC: But what's your opinion of it?

ME: The fourth release in Tom Waits' series of skid row travelogues, Small Change proves to be the archetypal album of his '70s work. [7]

GIMC: OK, plagiarize the answer to this: Are you off Friday?

Me: Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah-ah-ah. Yeah-ah-ah. Yeah-ah-ah. Yeah-ah-ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Partyin', partyin' (yeah). Partyin', partyin' (yeah). Fun, fun, fun, fun. Lookin' forward to the weekend. [8]

I think we can all agree that the experiment was a rousing success--you really can't tell that I reused earlier works!

Link dump

2011-11-18T13:59:00.005-05:00

Odds and ends I posted on Facebook but not here:

Why is a faux Cookie Monster's explanation of Occupy--left in a comment at the AV Club, no less--the best one I've read so far?

Most embarrassing news error I've seen in ages--TV reporter accuses meat market of selling dog meat, but it's actually duck meat. (More info on how this happened here. The TV station has not, as far as I can tell, actually issued a correction on air.)

The wonderful Darlene Love on why she doesn't hate Phil Spector (though she certainly has good reason to). Bonus Darlene, singing "River Deep, Mountain High."

The Doors sing the theme to Reading Rainbow.

Donate to the USO so a soldier can get a phone card to call home for the holidays.

Perhaps the way out of our economic mess is to tax zombies at a higher rate.

It's almost Thanksgiving

2011-11-17T09:27:00.003-05:00

You know what that means: It's time to rerun the post on my Scottish grandma's oatmeal stuffing recipe:

My mom used to make her mom's oatmeal stuffing every Thanksgiving. Since my sister took over T-day duties and doesn't like the oatmeal stuffing (she makes the bread variety), well, I miss it a lot. The stuffing's not bad in a chicken--I've done it--but somehow it's tastier in a turkey.

The recipe is simplicity itself: Saute a chopped medium onion (or, if you're feeling fancy, a big shallot) and rib of celery in oil. Add salt and pepper and two cups of rolled oats or quick-cooking oats and continue sauteing until the oatmeal gets toasty. Then stuff the turkey. (Obviously, you can cut this in half for a chicken. Or bake it in a covered dish alongside the bird with some chicken stock to keep it moist.)

That's it.

Maybe you had to grow up with this to love it, but I do.

The Five Stages of Incredulity as demonstrated through a series of illustrative rhetorical questions

2011-11-12T12:04:00.016-05:00

Sometimes you start reading a news story and think it's odd, and you keep reading only to find it turning into a whole different level of weirdness, provoking the Five Stages of Incredulity.

And, yes, this is one of those stories:

Soy Diet Is Cruel and Unusual, Florida Inmate Claims

MIAMI — One too many bouts of flatulence and cramping has led a Florida inmate to sue the Department of Corrections, arguing that the prison’s soy-based turkey dogs and sloppy Joes amount to cruel and unusual punishment.

Stage 1: Surprise. A prisoner is suing because he farts too much?

Eric D. Harris, 34, who is serving a life sentence for sexual battery on a child, said the soy in his prison chow is threatening his health by endangering his thyroid and immune system. Florida prisons serve meals with 50 percent soy and 50 percent poultry three times a day, a mixture that costs half as much as using beef and pork, the Department of Corrections says. The cost per meal: $1.70 a day for each inmate. ...

Stage 2: Astonishment. It's possible to feed an adult for $1.70 a day? And couldn't the prison get it down to about 10 cents by just feeding bread and water, if that's it's aiming for, and I suspect it is? Or, you know, encourage cannibalism for those who really demand meat?

Gretl Plessinger, a spokeswoman for the Florida Department of Corrections, said inmates can choose an alternative vegan meal if they do not want soy. “We have a constitutional obligation to feed them healthy, nutritious food, but we don’t have an obligation to feed them beef,” she said.

Stage 3: Bafflement. It's better to have a prison full of hostile, half-starved prisoners than spring for a ham sandwich occasionally? And the spokeswoman for the Florida Department of Corrections is named Gretl? Also, could you please make this story weirder? And can I bold the weird part to make it stand out even more?

“Excessive soy can be toxic to the thyroid gland,” said Sally Fallon Morell, the president and treasurer of the Weston A. Price Foundation, a nonprofit group that advocates a diet of whole, largely unprocessed foods and food high in saturated fats, and is publicizing the lawsuit. “It can have hormonal effects.”

Stage 4: Disbelief. There's a nonprofit group devoted to eating gobs of butter? And it's suing on behalf of prisoners sick of eating soy dogs? You're not making this up?

No, indeed.

Knowing that Weston A. Price was a real person, you might suspect that he was a nutritionist. One that encourages you to put an extra pat of butter on your steak, but still a nutritionist of some sort. So, let's check his bio:

Dr. Weston A. Price (1870-1948), a Cleveland dentist, has been called the "Charles Darwin of Nutrition."

Slogan: Survival of the tastiest.

Here he is in action. Oh, and be prepared to cringe:

My favorite part is when he pats that "native" like a piece of meat and says, "You look as though you were a child! My, my!"

So, Weston A. Price Foundation, can you state your admiration for third world peoples in way that is strikingly creepy?

These primitives with their fine bodies, homogeneous reproduction, emotional stability and freedom from degenerative ills stand forth in sharp contrast to those subsisting on the impoverished foods of civilization-sugar, white flour, pasteurized milk and convenience foods filled with extenders and additives.

Oh, Dr. Price, you had me at "primitives with fine bodies." The "homogeneous reproduction" is just the lard-based icing on the beef-tallow cake.

Stage 5: Wonderment. Where did I put the vodka?

Creative headline writing at the NY Post

2011-11-05T16:11:00.007-04:00

I surreptitiously tore this out of the paper (on, I think, p. 5!) while waiting for a haircut this morning. I've had nightmares of letting a dummy headline through at the magazine where I work. But--yay!--it hasn't happened in waking life.

Also, it couldn't have happened to a nicer newspaper.

False friends

2011-11-02T09:09:00.016-04:00

I checked Facebook this morning and noticed a co-worker I'll call X--someone I interact with only via email and IM--posted that she'd been laid off. I was shocked--there haven't been any rumors of layoffs.

I asked a another co-worker, someone who works with X directly, and he was dumbfounded. He spotted her on IM and asked what's up. She hasn't been laid off.

Our first thought was that her account had been hacked--there's certainly a lot of that going around. But then I looked at X's account and noticed that it said she lived in California. "Where does X live?" I asked my co-worker. "South Carolina," he replied.

Yes, I am "friends" with someone who has the same name as my co-worker but is in fact a complete stranger. Furthermore, I've been "friends" with this person since spring of 2010. She never posts about work--till now--so I didn't suspect anything was amiss.

And the kicker: I have another co-worker who's a mutual Facebook friend of this Fake X. I have no clue who friended whom first.

I'm pretty sure there's a lesson here about friends and the cybersphere, but I'll let you draw your own.

PS: I'm now friends with the right person. Hello, X!

UPDATE: So it turns out that the Facebook friend that Fake X and I have in common actually knows two people by the name of X. I'm guessing I saw the wrong one on my friend's wall, assumed it was the one I knew, and made a friend request. And for some reason, Fake X accepted.

Currently trending on Yahoo

2011-10-28T13:32:00.002-04:00

I'm going to guess Adolph is on the next season of Dancing with the Fascists. Marie probably has a new doll line. But that's just a guess.

Your social media at work

2011-10-25T12:14:00.006-04:00

McDonald's is paying to have #McRib be a promoted hashtag at Twitter. Let's see what comments Mickey D's is paying for:

I have never and will never have a #McRib.

whoever actually goes to mickey d's and buys #McRib should kill der self cuz dat #McRib sure will

Let me know when McDonald's comes out with a McFilet Mignon. The #McRib doesn't even sound tasty!

@McRibSandwich <<< The filthiest sandwich you need to follow on Twitter.

My dog doesnt even like the #McRib

The McRib Is Back—Dear God, Why?!

The return of the #McRib always reminds me of the Krusty Burger Ribwich jingle: "I don't mind the taste!"

The infamous #McRib is back. The same #McRib made from hobbit shavings and moldy bread.

And, my personal favorite, from @ApexToApex:

It's interesting how #McRib and #LindsayLohanPosingNudeinPlayboy are both trending, because they're pretty much the same thing.

UPDATE: Concerned reader God Is My Codependent shares this McRib McInformation:

Restructured meat products are commonly manufactured by using lower-valued meat trimmings reduced in size by comminution (flaking, chunking, grinding, chopping or slicing). The comminuted meat mixture is mixed with salt and water to extract salt-soluble proteins. These extracted proteins are critical to produce a “glue” which binds muscle pieces together. These muscle pieces may then be reformed to produce a “meat log” of specific form or shape. The log is then cut into steaks or chops which, when cooked, are similar in appearance and texture to their intact muscle counterparts.

Mmmmmm... meat log...

Camping, out

2011-10-24T13:30:00.002-04:00

Well, I thought I was Raptured, but it turned out I merely had too many Raptures.

So, what's the fallout from the latest nonevent? From the (really quite lousy, and I can't figure out why it seems to do so well in Google rankings) International Business Times:

"The Bible says that if someone makes a prophecy that doesn't come true he is to be considered a false prophet and stoned to death," Robert Jeffress, senior pastor of Dallas First Baptist Church, told The Christian Post. "Harold Camping has made at least three false prophecies about the day of the Rapture. And so, if he's not going to be stoned to death, he at least needs to be muzzled."

Is it just me, or do you sense some rather great ambivalence in that final "if"?

Family Radio has been broadcasting a message to supporters on Saturday, a day after Camping's third prediction, encouraging them to keep making donations.

Or, to save time, just set your cash on fire.

Don't get left behind

2011-10-18T09:10:00.007-04:00

As noted in the post below, the rapture, as predicted by Harold Camping, has been rescheduled.

On the date of the last, sadly postponed rapture, I created a cocktail to celebrate--called, of course, The Rapture. As the new date grows closer, I now share it with you.

The Rapture

1-1/2 ounce vodka
1 ounce Cointreau
1 ounce grapefruit-pomegranate juice blend
3/4 ounce lemon juice

Shake with ice and strain. Enjoy.

Link dump

2011-10-17T09:20:00.007-04:00

Remember the rapture that didn't happen in May? Now it's scheduled for Oct. 21.

Kinder Morgan should really buy Gentler Industrial to form Kinder, Gentler Morgan. Because that would be funny.

Dogs in motion. (Via Biomes.)

Do androids dream of electric authors? I don't care if these fake books are priced as high as $80, how many could the publisher possibly sell? Where's the profit?

This book on the sorts of products that get sold in comic books looks fun. (I had that hovercraft. And Sea Monkeys, of course.)

And may I just add: Hahahahaha.

I hate to break this to you, but you missed National Chocolate Covered Insects Day.

Prepare to have your mind blown.

The apostrophe must be cherished

2011-10-13T09:00:00.004-04:00

I was investigating a rather expensive local restaurant online, and when I spotted "Fire Roasted Tomato's" (sic) on the menu, I decided I didn't want to eat there. Is that unfair? If it were a cheapo local joint, it wouldn't bother me so much.

This is not a joke--it was one of those Groupon-type deals, I had my cursor heading toward the Buy Now button, and I lost my appetite.

Yes, I realize this is completely unreasonable. But standards are standards.

Look away, or, The Velvet Blog continues to not understand the South

2011-10-09T11:18:00.002-04:00

I was shopping for a new wallet on Amazon when I discovered ... this: Southern Confederacy Rebel Pride Leather Wallet: Pride Of The South by The Bradford Exchange.
Let's take a look at the details:

Rebel Pride!

We're two words into the description, and already I'm flummoxed. Might was well keep going, though.

Exclusive Southern Confederacy Pride Leather Wallet Features Stirring Artwork of General Lee on the March - Renowned artist John Paul Strain's portraiture of the revered General Lee captures a glorious moment in Civil War history.

I have to be honest--I don't remember all that much about the Civil War from my high school studies, and I haven't read much about it since then. I do know Lee marched into Pennsylvania to attack Union forces and suffered a terrible defeat. Is that the march that's a glorious moment in Civil War history? I don't get why that would be celebrated. But, hey, let's move on.

Now, a Southern Confederacy pride leather wallet lets you carry memories of Lee with you wherever you go. This custom-designed wallet is crafted of genuine, hand-tooled black leather for long-lasting wear. Open the wallet to discover the words "Pride of the South" embossed into the leather alongside the CSA insignia and colorful Confederate flag art. Nothing says Rebel like this Southern Confederacy pride leather wallet, only from The Bradford Exchange.

Well, "KKK" might say something like it.

Ample pockets inside allow room for cash and cards.

Oh, I do hope you're carrying Confederate cash in that wallet. Please, please.

A clear pocket window provides convenient ID access. This Rebel pride gift is likely to generate unprecedented demand, and you won't want to miss out. Order now!

Yes, I demand ... that you not buy me this for Christmas. Demand, I tell you.

Postcard of the day

2011-10-07T11:36:00.007-04:00

July 6 [1928]

Dear Lempe [sp?]:

I had a nice trip and found everything fine. My father is feeling better. Hope you and [??] have a nice vacation.

Love to all-
Alice May

I could use some help on this one. I'd swear I'd posted another card to this same recipient, but now I can't find. Lempe?? And the other name is a complete mystery. Looks like Loodles. (Click to embiggen.)

Helloween

2011-10-04T14:13:00.002-04:00

A rerun from October 2009. Why? Because I can. And it's timely.

Mommy, why is the kitty #&$@ing a pumpkin?

Mommy, the patients from the burn unit at the hospital are here.

Mommy, there's something about the shape of the tombstone that's making me extremely uncomfortable.

It's so watery ... yet there's a smack of ham to it!

2011-10-03T11:34:00.007-04:00

It's link dump time--odds and ends I've posted on Facebook, but not here because I didn't really have anything to add:

Mitch Hurwitz says there's a new limited-run series of Arrested Development episodes AND a movie in the works, though there are some rights issues to clear up.

I'm seriously loving the new Pugwash album.

I just discovered the Third Coast Festival podcast. It's really good--sort of like This American Life, but with an international scope.

Stumbled over this 2005 New York Times story about the movie theater in Riverhead, N.Y, the town where I grew up. It's one of those old art deco theaters you rarely see anymore--it never got chopped up into a multiplex, but it's been closed since the '80s. The article mentions that renovation is under way, but guess what? It's still closed. I have no idea what happened. I'm posting this because of the photos--just look at that tile work. If the renovation ever happens, it will be a stunner.

When you need cheering up, go to this photo of sleeping pandas.

An interview with The Daily Show's John Oliver.

I suspect the little red-haired girl was involved

2011-09-27T09:03:00.004-04:00

In the news:

The head of Office Depot Inc.'s international division was fired, effective Monday, for having an "improper relationship" with a co-worker, the company said.

Office Depot said the fired executive was Charlie Brown. It did not identify the other employee or describe that person's job title or fate. --Yahoo

What a blockhead.

Kindle, the great leveler, or: The Velvet Blog goes NSFW

2011-09-25T10:54:00.024-04:00

While I always peruse the New York Times Book Review best-seller list on Sundays, I never really paid much attention to the Kindle best-seller list until I got a Kindle. Now I do, and, boy, is it odd.

I'm not entirely clear on what's involved, but I gather that anyone can post a book for downloading to Kindles and charge what he or she wants--many of these self-published e-books are 99 cents. This leads to some truly bizarre pairings of items on the list.

What inspired this post was the juxtaposition last night of the much-hyped Ron Suskind book Confidence Men at #38 and something called Bent Over, by Gia Blue, at #39.

Suskind's book, about the Obama administration, has been unavoidable of late--discussion of it has been on op-ed pages everywhere, and the author himself has been flogging it indefatigably on TV.

Oh, and speaking of flogging, what exactly is Bent Over?

Let's turn to the description on Amazon's page:

Preacher’s kid Becca Naughton has done it now, she’s been called down to the dean’s office for yet another meeting about her lack of focus in class and her obsession with sex. What-ever.

Of course, Dean Turner’s solution seems interesting...it involves a ruler, oral sex and a round of fucking she’ll never forget. Well, at least, not until her next appointment...

Hm. Is is just me, or does that sound a little porny?

Oh, I bet it's just like a Nicholson Baker book--a serious look at sex using porn tropes.

I see Bent Over has received two reader reviews, both five stars! That's promising. I'm sure they'll clue us in:

Most stories I have read here get me wet, true, but this one had my hips swaying until I came along with the female character. My boyfriend wondered why I had such a smirk on my face all day. Wonderful work. I also recommend Daddy's Horny Girl

I truly enjoyed this book. It got me so hot and wet I was lying on the bed reading and cumming hard. I did not want this book to end. I enjoy reading GiaBlue's book... I just enjoy cumming!

Ah, so definitely Nicholson Baker territory, then.

Twelve hours later, Confidence Men has risen two spots to #36. Bent Over is up 12 spots to #27.

Just wait till Chris Matthews has her on Hardball.

9/26 UPDATE: Confidence Men sinks to #44; Bent Over continues its firm, throbbing ride to the top, rising to #24. Clearly, Ms. Blue is beating the pants off of Suskind.

9/27 UPDATE: Blue continues to beat off Suskind, #27 to #54.

Momento mori

2011-09-20T08:42:00.016-04:00

Sunday night's Emmy telecast was, on the whole, an above-average awards ceremony. Maybe I just love Jane Lynch (from the Christopher Guest movies and, currently, Glee, which I have mixed feelings about, at best), but I thought she made a dandy host.

But, seriously, can we please, please, please stop abusing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"? I've complained about this before, but who the hell thought that song was appropriate for an "In Memoriam" segment honoring TV folks who'd died in the past year? Did anyone bother listening to the lyrics? Here are the second and fourth verses:

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Does that sound In Memoriam-ish to you? (I was equally puzzled by k.d. lang's rendition at the Canadian Olympic Games, as lovely as it was.) Cohen's meanings can be a bit hard to suss out, but the song would seem to be about a failed love affair, if I'm reading it correctly. Just because it contains the word "hallelujah" doesn't automatically make it appropriate to honor the dead.

Instead, might I suggest Jim Carroll's "People Who Died"? I think it just works better:

Teddy sniffing glue he was 12 years old
Fell from the roof on East Two-nine
Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug
On 26 reds and a bottle of wine
Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old
He looked like 65 when he died
He was a friend of mine

Refrain:
Those are people who died, died
Those are people who died, died
Those are people who died, died
Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Now, that makes an In Memoriam statement. Perhaps Rob Lowe could do an interpretive dance to it.

Expect this to be a talking point at the next Republican debate

2011-09-08T10:57:00.004-04:00

I was flipping channels the other day and stopped on the Fox Business Channel for a moment. Some talking head said, quite heatedly, that if the minimum wage were cut in half, business owners would hire twice as many people. And he was serious.

Using that logic, if business owners didn't have to pay at all, they could hire an infinity of people. If they charged workers to work, they could earn extra income. Problem solved, America!

The one in which The Velvet Blog returns to junior high

2011-09-08T09:42:00.005-04:00

An NPR reporter on "All Things Considered" last night:

[Rick] Perry is not a master debater.

Well, OK, but is he a cunning ling... NO!!! Must resist cheap gags ... must resist cheap gags ...

Is that a rack of ribs in your pants or are you just glad to see me? It's a rack of ribs? Oh.

2011-08-31T13:57:00.005-04:00

News story of the day:

Thief caught stuffing ribs in pants again

CARLISLE, Pa. - A central Pennsylvania man has been charged for a second time with trying to steal a rack of ribs by shoving them down his pants.

Carlisle police tell The Sentinel newspaper that 65-year-old Donald Noone tried to hide about $20 worth of ribs in his pants on Sunday. Police say he attempted to pull the same stunt on May 22 at a supermarket and pleaded guilty to retail theft and public drunkenness.

Police say that since this is a second offense, the theft charge will be considered a more serious second-degree misdemeanor.

There was not a listed telephone number for Donald Noone in Carlisle.

I'm going to give this fellow the benefit of the doubt and assume it's a low-tech attempt at sous vide.

You asked for it! Again!

2011-08-29T15:33:00.010-04:00

Odd Google searches that have brought visitors to the shores of The Velvet Blog, with commentary:

harry potter how to summon tiny lizards
"Hey, you--tiny lizards!"

claus von bulow is he still alive
You have no idea. (OK, that's just Jeremy Irons' last line in Reversal of Fortune. But it's true.)

benedict arnold coloring pages
Next up: The Alger Hiss Coloring Book.

my aunt disney world fanny pack
As it turns out, search technology does not, at this point in time, allow you to type in "my aunt disney world fanny pack" and get a picture of the fanny pack your aunt bought at Disney. Soon, though. Soon.

santa claus headshot
Auditioning for a modeling job in the off season? I'm going to suggest: blue steel.

CAR OF DEVIL GO TO HELL WITH ALL YOUR LABOURS
I believe the search term you were looking for is "Chevy Nova."

opening banana
"There is a train everyday leaving either way/There is a world, you know/And there is a way to go/And we'll soon be gone, it's just as well/This is my opening banana." This answers the age-old question, what if Jackson Browne had written "My Opening Banana" instead of "My Opening Farewell"?

birthday quotes for brother WITH PANDA
"Happy birthday, brother ... WITH PANDA!!"

how about dinner? I know this great Vietnamese restaurant
"If I could afford it, I'd have 10 cats."

Weekend weather report

2011-08-25T19:03:00.002-04:00

A rerun, from September 2005, because it seemed appropriate.

Folks in the Northeast should expect rivers turning to blood and a plague of frogs this weekend. Bad combination--get out those wading boots! Better yet, stay indoors, as these are mutant killer frogs that shoot laser beams out of their eyes. Whatever you do, don't say "ribbit, ribbit" at them--they hate that.

Farther down the coast, stock up on the Rid and Raid, because Doppler 3000 Color Radar is showing huge clouds of lice and flies. Really, it's not looking good, so stay inside and think about cutting off your hair and wearing lots of layers. Did I mention these are biting flies? Well, they are.

Cattle will be falling over dead in the Midwest today, and it looks like anthrax. Get those windows sealed, OK? And remember: Shallow breaths mean the spores don't go too deeply into your lungs.

Southern California should expect a plague of boils. Man, that couldn't be a worse place, could it? Expect slowdowns in the entire entertainment industry throughout the region.

Folks in Texas and New Mexico need to stock up on rock salt, because a massive hailstorm will be coming their way. Better yet, stay in the basement, because these babies will be as big as canned hams.

The Pacific Northwest can count on a constant stream of giant locusts this weekend. Make sure you have large pots of grain--I hear you can appease the Locust God that way.

Folks in Alaska endure awfully long nights for most of the year. Well, they better get used to it, because there will be no light in the state at all from now on. Have lots of candles ready. Those scented ones are great, aren't they? They really set a mood. Autumn Pumpkin Spice from Ye Olde Yankee Candle Shoppe is especially nice.

And last, it looks like firstborns will be dying off just about everywhere. My advice? Duct tape, and lots of it.

Well, that's about all for the weather. Steve, over to you for sports.

It moved

2011-08-23T17:17:00.001-04:00

The earth, that is. Never felt an earthquake before.

Weird. Felt like a truck hit the building.

Yeah, it was just a tiny wee quake here on L.I., and it got me out of the office for half an hour, so I'm not complaining.

Pop quiz

2011-08-17T11:03:00.008-04:00

Who wrote this, and to whom? (Some items redacted by me. Also, I've already spoiled this on Facebook, so no fair cheating.)

UPDATE: We have a winner, so I've unredacted the text.

Dear Mr. President.

First, I would like to introduce myself. I am Elvis Presley and admire you and have great respect for your office. I talked to Vice President Agnew in Palm Springs three weeks ago and expressed my concern for our country. The drug culture, the hippie elements, the SDS, Black Panthers, etc. do not consider me as their enemy or as they call it the establishment. I call it America and I love it. Sir, I can and will be of any service that I can to help the country out. I have no concern or motives other than helping the country out.

So I wish not to be given a title or an appointed position. I can and will do more good if I were made a Federal Agent at Large and I will help out by doing it my way through my communications with people of all ages. First and foremost, I am an entertainer, but all I need is the Federal credentials. I am on this plane with Senator George Murphy and we have been discussing the problems that our country is faced with.

Sir, I am staying at the Washington Hotel, Room 505-506-507. I have two men who work with me by the name of Jerry Schilling and Sonny West. I am registered under the name of Jon Burrows. I will be here for as long as long as it takes to get the credentials of a Federal Agent. I have done an in-depth study of drug abuse and Communist brainwashing techniques and I am right in the middle of the whole thing where I can and will do the most good.

I am Glad to help just so long as it is kept very private. You can have your staff or whomever call me anytime today, tonight, or tomorrow. I was nominated this coming year one of America's Ten Most Outstanding Young Men. That will be in January 18 in my home town of Memphis, Tennessee. I am sending you the short autobiography about myself so you can better understand this approach. I would love to meet you just to say hello if you're not too busy.

Respectfully,

Elvis Presley

P. S. I believe that you, Sir, were one of the Top Ten Outstanding Men of America also.

I have a personal gift for you which I would like to present to you and you can accept it or I will keep it for you until you can take it.

The "personal gift" was a Colt 45!

Postcard of the day

2011-08-15T15:32:00.004-04:00

My Dear Darling Albie.

Honey do you remember this place.

More from the ongoing Gagnon postcard saga here, here, and (probably, based on the location) here.

(Click to embiggen.)

Link dump

2011-08-09T15:13:00.004-04:00

Odds and ends, mostly odds, and mostly stuff from my Facebook posts:

How America turned poverty into a crime.

Life: Pro's [sic] and cons.

Fran Healy, of the band Travis.

Headline of the day.

Pugwash is crazy catchy.

Magnified sand is awfully pretty.

There are a surprising number of images of monkeys and apes using typewriters.

I'd guesstimate we're at approximately Fahrenheit 450 these days

2011-08-07T14:08:00.007-04:00

I was a bookish kid. (Big surprise, right?) I remember getting rather pissed off at my mom--herself a big reader, I must point out--for saying at one point that I "read too much." I found that very offensive, though it's possible that she may have had a point. (I didn't exactly get out a lot.)

I'd tend to find a writer I like, then read everything I could get my hands on by that person. Around junior high, that writer was Ray Bradbury. The Martian Chronicles led to Something Wicked This Way Comes which led to Fahrenheit 451. In high school, it was, among a handful of others, Kurt Vonnegut.

So when I read the other day that a college professor (!) spearheaded a successful drive to get Slaughterhouse Five and other books removed from the classrooms and shelves of a high school in Republic, Mo.--a school in which the professor has no children enrolled because, of course, he home-schools them (sigh)--I was really saddened.

My HS library had all of Vonnegut's books, and I read every single one then on its shelves. And while it's true that in my 20s I felt I kind of outgrew his books and probably haven't read one since then, they were a big part of my realization that there was a big, crazy world out there outside of my small-ish town. For that, I'm still grateful to whoever was picking the books to stock.

And, therefore, I've made a small donation to the Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library, which is soliciting funds to put copies of Slaughterhouse Five into the hands of any Republic High School student who requests one. Maybe you'll be inspired to do so, too.

Quote of the day

2011-08-05T10:22:00.004-04:00

Little more than a year ago, most Americans did not know enough about the Tea Party to have an opinion. Now, more people have opinions, and they are hardly positive.

The percentage of people with an unfavorable view of the Tea Party in a New York Times/CBS News Poll this week was higher than it has been since the first time the question was asked, in April 2010. Forty percent of those polled this week characterized their view as “not favorable,” compared with 18 percent in the first poll. ...

Matt Kibbe, the president of FreedomWorks, the libertarian advocacy group that has encouraged the growth of the Tea Party movement, said he was not surprised that the negative views had grown, and blamed that change on attacks from Democrats during the debt-ceiling debate.

“It’s almost a mantra with Democrats,” he said, “ ‘Call them Tea Party extremists.’ It’s the inevitable price you pay for having an impact.” -- The New York Times

Also the inevitable price for, you know, being extremists.

Busy, busy

2011-08-02T11:46:00.003-04:00

This is the busiest time of the year for me at work. I'd apologize for lack of posting through mid-Septemberish, but given my readership has dwindled to people doing Google searches on variations of "yogurt poop," I doubt that's going to be much of a problem.

I'll post the occasional link or YouTube video. How's that?

Here's Amy Rigby singing a song she co-wrote with Bill DeMain (of Swan Dive).

And here's a rather odd, lounge-singer-style cover I recently came across, by Laura Ainsworth:

I can't decide if I like this or not.

Line?!

2011-07-31T13:04:00.009-04:00

Me, 1997, in a performance of Christopher Durang's "The Actor's Nightmare."

I'd only acted once before--a rather snooty butler in Lord Dunsunay's "The Jest of Hahalaba," directed by concerned TVB reader God Is My Codependent--and got the lead in this sort of as a fluke. I was thrilled--it's a very funny one-act comedy, usually performed as half of a double bill with Durang's "Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You"--but as opening night grew closer, there was one problem. Memorizing dialogue I didn't find very hard. But a 6-minute monologue consisting mostly of non sequiturs? Hard, and I do mean hard.

The setup of the play: The lead character finds himself in a theater, not knowing how he got there. He's pushed on stage, unfamiliar with any lines he supposedly has, and tries to fake his way through. The play he's the star of starts out as a Noel Coward takeoff, then, just when the character starts to get comfortable, turns into Shakespeare. Then he finds himself totally alone and has to make do by reciting bits and pieces of classic theater that he only half remembers, plus fragments from his biography, until another character turns up. This happens after 6 excruciating minutes. After that, the play takes a turn toward Samuel Beckett, then "A Man for All Seasons." And--SPOILER ALERT!!!--he ends up executed. (Wacky high jinks!)

Anyway, a few days before opening night, I still hadn't nailed that monologue. I guess it was two days before opening that I finally made it through the rehearsal without blanking on that speech or skipping parts of it. It just clicked, and I thought, hey, maybe I can actually do this.

A couple of hours before going out on stage on the opening night of my first (and, as it turns out, only) Big! Lead! Role!, I called my parents from the office. I don't want to get overly personal here, so let's just say I got some bad news. I spent the next 20 minutes or so weeping uncontrollably. By that I mean: I could not stop crying and had trouble breathing successfully.

And, after that, I had to dry my eyes and drive to the theater. I sort of got myself together and prepared to be pushed out in front of the audience.

Then, problem No. 2: In the opening scene, the actress playing the stage manager skipped, oh, about a page of dialogue.

I stood there, surrounded on three sides by the audience--we acted this part of the play sort of in the round, before the action moved to the stage--not knowing what to do. At all. This was not only the first time I had a lead role, it was also only the second time I had acted, and I had never taken an acting lesson. Do I give the cue to her again? Proceed with my line as if nothing had happened? Skip ahead to where she'd skipped? I didn't know, so I just stood there. I entertained the idea of saying, "Um, can we start over?" and prayed for the floor to open up. After a good long time, the actress remembered were we were, came up with the right line, and we continued. I somehow got through the rest of the show, including that monologue, hopped in my car, drove back to my apartment, closed the door, and proceeded to pick where I had left off on weeping.

The next night's show went better, if not brilliantly. We did six shows all told, and I'd say one was transcendently amazing, one excellent, two middlin' (the video above is from one of the middlin' ones--the only tape I have), and two horribly.

About the transcendent one: One of the most amazing moments of my life. Everything went perfectly, and the audience totally got every single joke--and some of them are pretty obscure gags that depend on a knowledge of theater. I have never felt so high in my life.

About the other terrible one: It was the night after the amazing show. I think everyone in the cast gave pretty much the exact same performance--but the audience would not laugh. Absolutely refused. In the second scene, where we had gotten the previous night's first big laugh, we were greeted not with a small laugh, but none whatsoever. I looked over at the actress on stage with me, and her eyes got really big, and I knew she was thinking exactly what I was thinking: Uh oh. It went on that way for the play's duration, about 35 minutes or so. As soon as I could, I fled.

And as I left the theater, I overheard two old ladies discussing what they had just seen. One of them glanced down at the playbill, saw the play's title as if for the first time, and said to her companion: "Oooooh. It was an actor's nightmare."

Yup, pretty much.

(Many thanks to my friend Carl for posting this clip to YouTube.)

Shock and awful

2011-07-27T15:28:00.034-04:00

Hey, Birdemic: Shock and Terror is on Netflix streaming!

Let's see what we're in for, and then liveblog watching this sucker!

This may be difficult. Well, here goes, as marked by time code.

00:01:30: Lots of driving. Lots and lots of driving. Perhaps a homage to the opening scenes of Manos: The Hands of Fate?

00:03:00: You know, if you're going to do a multiminute credit sequence, get enough score. The same complete piece has now played three times.

00:04:15: The lead actor cannot even walk convincingly. Has he ever walked before?

00:05:00: Oh, great, he's a stalker. And he's WAY out of his league. And he speaks worse than he walks.

00:07:15: Please tell me the fashion model he's hitting on has given him a fake phone number.

00:7:45: Is there an all-An Inconvenient Truth channel? All global warming news?

00:08:45: The score is now ripping off the theme to Chariots of Fire for another driving sequence.

00:11:00: "What does it take to win your business? I'll give you that AND 50% off!" I'm only vaguely acquainted with business, but if you meet what consumers want and knock 50% off, isn't that cutting into your profit margin?

00:11:30: The professional fashion model our hero has his eye on is having audition photos taken at a one-hour photo store. She should probably get her passport photo while she's there.

00:14:00: He: "How about dinner? I know a great Vietnamese restaurant."

She: "Great, I'll see you there." [Click!]

I'm hoping that she just blew him off, as she doesn't know the name of the restaurant, where it is, or when they're meeting. But I have the feeling the writer/director has never had a conversation before and doesn't know how they work.

00:16:00: More all-green news. On the stock footage, you can see a huge Getty Image watermark. Were these clips not paid for?

00:18:00: Natalie, the fashion model, has somehow been able to correctly guess the time and location of dinner.

00:19:00: "Why did you get into sales?" Worst conversation starter ever.

00:20:00: I cannot wait for the birds to show up and kill these two. Where the hell are they?

00:22:00: "If I could afford it, I'd have 10 cats." Now I don't know which character to feel sorrier for.

00:27:00: Do couples generally have sex while wearing bathing suits?

00:28:00ish: "We're going to be acquired by Oracle... for $1 billion!" Or Dr. Evil. Yeah, probably Dr. Evil.

00:29:00: How many takes were spliced together to form this endless clapping scene? And, why?

00:35:45: Upon seeing a painting:

He: "Oh, lovers on the moon."

She: "Yeah."

This has been your Art Criticism Minute of the Day.

00:37:35: The sound seems to have been recorded with the built-in mic on a home camera. I can't hear the dialogue over the ocean waves. Not that I'm complaining.

00:38:45: "Don't touch it--it might be infectious!" A useful sentence in many ways. The dead bird on the beach appears to be clip art.

00:40:00: Shorter mother's monolog: "My biggest hobby is interfering in my daughter's life."

00:42:15: Ooooo, he dances worse than walks. This song is really ratcheting up the tension.

00:44:00: Make it stop. Please make it stop.

00:45:00: When I said "Please make it stop," I didn't mean end that scene so that we could start a love scene instead.

00:47:15: At last, birdemic has begun! Birds have evidently gained the ability to blow up on impact.

00:48:30: And the ability to hover in midair.

00:49:30: And hide car keys?

00:51:00: Methinks coat hangers are not the best weapon against exploding birds.

00:52:15: Did I miss something? Are our heroes' new friends survivalist maniacs? Why do they have a machine gun and various other guns?

00:55:15: "I'm hungry! I've been under the car for a long time."

00:59:00: A picnic? Birds are diving bombing people and exploding on impact, and you're having picnic?

00:59:30: "Hey, look, it's an old guy on a bridge!" Does bird flu make birds explosive?

01:03ish: "Why can't we just give peace a chance?" BECAUSE BIRDS ARE ATTACKING US!!!!

01:04ish: If a film script asked me to die of bird attack while taking a dump, I'd pass.

01:07: "No, I don't want to get off this bus and be in your stupid movie! No!"

01:08: What was that? Now the birds kill by throwing up?

O1:09: Dead extras, we hardly knew ye.

01:11: Even when their parents have just recently been killed and birds are exploding all around them, kids still love candy.

01:13: If that's all it takes to die, I'd have killed myself while shaving.

01:18: "I hear a mountain lion! I'd better get back to my house. Nice meeting you!" Except for the killer birds, I mean.

O1:19: Only you can prevent terrible CGI forest fires.

01:21: Music now blatantly ripping off "Imagine" while a dead character sports an "Imagine peace" t-shirt. Just a little too on the nose. And plagiarismy.

01:24: She: "I've got some seaweed!"

[Pinteresque pause]

He: "Good!"

Seriously, you could have driven a truck through that pause.

01:27: Dialogue now completely inaudible. Brechtian device?

01:29: The birds have given up for some reason.

01:30: Last line completely indecipherable. Q: Why did the birds give up? A: The movie was over.

Tippi Hedren was in this somewhere?!

Wow... that was... wow.

Random 10

2011-07-19T17:01:00.006-04:00

Rilo Kiley, "Silver Lining"
David Garza, "Float Away"
Jorge Ben, "Ponta de Lanca Africano (Umbabarauma)"
Gothic Voices, "Columba aspexit"
Peter Holsapple and Chris Stamey, "I Want to Break Your Heart"
Swan Dive, "Caprice"
Harry Nilsson, "Salmon Falls"
Leonard Nimoy, "Spock Thoughts"
Harry Nilsson, "Dayton, Ohio 1903"
The Zombies, "Care of Cell 44"

Yes, "Spock Thoughts." Deal with it.

#9,157,713 with a bullet; Or, the very long tail

2011-07-15T15:01:00.019-04:00

Many years ago--the year was 1995 and I believe the kids were all playing with hula hoops and listening to that crazy new rock and roll--I ghostwrote someone else's memoir. It was an "inspirational" book from the point of view of alcoholic who became paralyzed, and then turned his life around and became an wheelchair athlete.

It was put out by a then-new, small publishing house in Texas, owned by some local businessman who promptly decided that publishing was unprofitable and closed up shop. (He was way ahead of the times.) The book was in and out of print in a matter of months.

Periodically, I've taken a look at Amazon's ranking as a lesson in humility. This is what Amazon's page looked like this morning:

You're reading that correctly: #9,157,713.

Did you even realize there were that many books in existence?

Out of curiosity, I decided to buy a used copy (a bargain at 21 cents! plus $3.99 shipping, which isn't quite a bargain) to see what would happen.

Anyone want to take a guess how high it rose in Amazon's rankings?

Go ahead, I'll wait.

OK, here it is:

Yes, #91,068. One copy caused the ranking to jump 9,066,645 other books.

If I buy one more copy, I'm pretty sure it will be #1. (Right?)

UPDATE: In the last 24 hours, the rank has sunk to #308,382. The numbers may be out of date, but this post explains a bit about Amazon's rather arcane ranking methods.

UPDATE UPDATE: Three days later, down to #579,623.

It's Bananas Week on The Velvet Blog!

2011-07-13T11:06:00.010-04:00

Yesterday's disturbing outbreak of banana-on-gorilla violence spurred me to do further research into the state of bananas--and what I found isn't pretty.

Did you realize that you sliced a clone over your Rice Krispies this morning? Yes, I mean that clone you paid for to take over your life while you ran away to that island in the Pacific, but then changed your mind when Clonie started persuading your friends that he was the original and you were the clone.

But I digress. I also mean that banana on your cereal. Did you realize it is a clone, too? It's true!

From Time:

This study is bananas. Millenia of inbreeding have made the yellow fruit delicious and nutritious--but vulnerable to disease.

Scientists tracing the banana's wild family tree found that the plant hasn't crossbred for 7,000 years. In fact, bananas don't have sex at all. The typical supermarket specimen is an infertile clone with the prim name “Cavendish,” genetically identical to its banana brothers.

Creepy? Not really.

Speak for yourself, buddy.

This has given me the courage to dust off an old film proposal of mine and start contacting the studios again:

They live on an island, in a boarding school, where they're told they're "special," but they don't know why. "One day ..." they are told. "One day, you'll go to the mainland." But they have no idea that when they get there, they're going to be eaten.

I'm thinking of calling it Never Let Go of My Banana, or maybe Banana Island, or Banana Parts: The Clonus Horror.

By the way, cloning a banana isn't especially difficult. You can even do it with Jello.

News story of the day

2011-07-13T09:35:00.003-04:00

Is it the debt ceiling? Terrorist threats? A missing blond girl?

No. Concerned reader God Is My Codependent points out the story of a man dressed as a banana attacking a man dressed as a gorilla.

I highlight this mainly because ... well, it doesn't happen every day. Plus, it gives headline writers free rein. A few examples:

Banana at large after fight with gorilla
Banana attacks gorilla then splits
Banana Attacks Gorilla, Ohio in Shock
Police Called After Banana-Man Attacks Gorilla-Man in Ohio
Banana Attacks Gorilla, Currently on the Loose
Ohio Cops in Search of Violent Banana
Police: Banana Attacked Gorilla

Most weirdly specific:

Banana-suited man attacks gorilla-suited man

Postcard of the day

2011-07-11T08:48:00.009-04:00

Aug. 4, 1945

My Dear Darling Albie.

Well, honey here I am at Ralph house. We had a swell trip. they are all well here. Honey have you ever been to this place. ~~Whhen~~ ~~with~~ when we come to pittsfield we will come up to this place.

Love Margie.

I'm assuming this card was obtained by Albie when he was in the service. And this one is probably to his son.

Click image to embiggen.

Some people collect stamps; others ...

2011-07-05T09:50:00.002-04:00

From spam:

Please find a special message below from our friends at Citizens Committee For The Right To Keep Bear Arms. We appreciate your support.

I don't even want to know what they're doing with the rest of the bear.

There's no "I" in "We"

2011-07-01T12:36:00.005-04:00

As I noted a few months back, I handle a series of CIO profiles for the magazine where I work. The CIOs fill out a questionnaire, and I turn their responses into English.

In the earlier post, I mentioned my incredulity that one subject responded to the question, "What business leader would you like to have lunch with?" with the answer "Dagny Taggart" of Taggart Transcontinental Railroad--the fictional creation of Ayn Rand, in the novel Atlas Shrugged. (I should remind you at this point that the publication where I'm copy chief has a circulation of 400,000-plus, and a very-well-trafficked website. And he's a corporate bigwig.)

What I didn't notice till now, because I had a ton of responses to go through and won't be running the Q&A till August, is his response to the very next question.

-- My biggest business-related pet peeve is …
Use of the pronoun "I" in formal business communications.

There you have it, folks: The world's first collectivist Randian.

(As a belated part of our blogoversary extravaganza--by the way, folks, where are my presents?--previous thoughts on things Randian here, here, here, and here.)

Link dump

2011-06-30T08:59:00.010-04:00

Odds and ends that I've linked to on my Facebook wall:

John Hodgman actually speaks the way he writes. (One reason I will always be a fan: I admiringly wrote about his first book--which I received as a gift shortly after his first Daily Show appearance--and he actually left a thank you in comments. Funny and classy--a nice combo. I've linked to it before, but if you've never seen it, do watch his TED talk. It's a fine piece of work.)

Janelle Monae: Amazing performer or superamazing performer?

"Black Swan" = "Repulsion" + "The Red Shoes" X any random late-night Cinemax movie / any random David Cronenberg movie. Basically, it's complete hooey. There is nothing original in it at all. "The Red Shoes" is available on Netflix instant streaming, and "Repulsion" can be rented on disk, as can Cronenberg's "Videodrome." Watch those instead. (Oh, be warned--"Videodrome" is pretty out there. A co-worker once shied away from me for a while after she watched it on my recommendation.)

Norton Juster's "The Phantom Tollbooth" was by far my fave book as a kid. Good interview with him on The AV Club here.

Great, hard-to-find Nilsson performance here.

The serial comma: now and forever. (Earlier TVB commentary on the serial comma here and, sort of, here.)

A sneak peek at my upcoming novel in letters, an alternate history of the founding of this country had it been accomplished by sock monkeys

2011-06-29T08:23:00.009-04:00

Miss Adorable

By the same Token that the Bearer hereof satt up with you last night I hereby order you to give him, as many ~~Kisses~~ bananas, and as many Hours of your Company after 9 O'Clock as he shall please to Demand and charge them to my Account: This Order, or Requisition call it which you will is in Consideration of a similar order Upon Aurelia for the like favour, and I presume I have good Right to draw upon you for the ~~Kisses~~ bananas as I have given two or three Millions at least, when one has been received, and of Consequence the Account between us is immensely in favour of yours,
John Adams
Octr. 4th. 1762

(If I am blowing your mind and you prefer to read them in their original form, you may find the letters between John and Abigail here.)

Calendars.com informs me that it's offering free shipping on 2012 calendars

2011-06-28T08:45:00.001-04:00

Too soon, Calendars.com. Too soon.

Seriously flakey

2011-06-27T14:54:00.005-04:00

"I think that it's insulting to insinuate that a candidate for president is less than serious," [Michele Bachmann] told [ABC News' Jonathan] Karl. "I'm a very serious individual." --Salon, on the candidate's reaction to Fox News anchor Chris Wallace statement that she's perceived by some to be a flake

Related: PolitiFact fact checks 23 Bachmann statements and finds only one of them to be completely true. (She's also darned good at insinuations. Darned good.)

The Velvet Blog explains it all for you

2011-06-26T14:22:00.003-04:00

In which we make one of our periodic trips the the mailbag and address your search queries:

does activia yogurt make you poop more or less
--Yes, more or less.

rodin vs. rodan
--Remind me again which one has radioactive breath? Rodin? Yes, Rodin.

tim polenta
--Remember: The key to palatability is LOTS of sauce.

woody harrelson pride
--The Woody Harrelson Pride Parade is surprisingly short.

would you like fries with that shake
--Yes.

A handy visual guide for distinguishing between bacon, Canadian bacon, and Canadian ham

2011-06-23T21:10:00.001-04:00

Bacon

Canadian bacon

Canadian ham

Another rerun in honor of The Velvet Blog's seventh blogoversary, this one from April 29, 2005. I haven't done one of these Handy Visual Guides in ages, and have no idea why.

Smackdown!: Polenta vs. Tim Pawlenty

2011-06-19T10:38:00.006-04:00

Polenta
WHAT?: Italian dish made from cornmeal.

PROS: Wonderful backdrop for sauce.

CONS: Bland without the aforementioned sauce. Or butter. Lots and lots of butter.

Tim Pawlenty

WHO?: Republican presidential hopeful. Former governor of Minnesota.

PROS: Makes Wonder bread feel edgy.

CONS: Willing to spout crazy right-wing ideas but with little to no verve. Bland, even with sauce. Or butter. Even lots and lots of butter.

WINNER: Polenta, by a landslide. If the Republicans wise up and nominate polenta for president, then the race might be interesting.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Little to no posting for the coming week. Busy, busy.

Lost in the mail

2011-06-17T10:13:00.001-04:00

From the NY Times, a postcard mystery.

The lost art of headline writing

2011-06-16T09:53:00.004-04:00

This was prominently displayed on Google News this morning. "Boehner tweets good wishes to Giffords." Really, USA Today? Is that where we are now in terms of news?

Here are a few alternative headlines:

--Unpaid Intern in Boehner's Office Uses Twitter for Boss in Between Looking for Duke Nukem Reviews and Stalking Ex-Girlfriend on Facebook
--Normal Civility Happened Online
--Why Hasn't Weiner Done Anything This Week?

Actually, maybe normal civility happening online is newsworthy.

UPDATE: Weiner! Weiner! Weiner!

If sock monkeys were hypnotists

2011-06-15T18:30:00.002-04:00

Look into my eyes. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy ... Your eyelids are getting heavy, so heavy you cannot keep your eyes open. You try to get up from your chair, but you can't. You feel heavy, heavy, as if you can't move, like you just ate combo meal #5 at Taco Bell.

You are under my control. You will do anything I say.

Now, give me that banana.

This rerun, part of the seventh blogoversary extravaganza, was the first of TVB's many sock monkey posts, from Jan. 10, 2006. That's not a stock image, btw. He's one of ... um, let's just say "many" sock monkeys that live with me and leave it at that.

Postcard of the day

2011-06-13T13:54:00.018-04:00

This is an odd one. First of all, that photo is horrendously murky, even for an old postcard. Plus, I guess this was given free to returning soldiers--the note on the back says (WRITE FREE HERE)--but that makes the legend added to front, BROTHER, IT AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE ..., even stranger. (Way to buck up morale!)

Look closely, and we can tell when the photo was taken. The headline on that newspaper says LUPE VELEZ, a Hollywood starlet born in Mexico. I have to assume that the story is about her death on Dec. 14, 1944, as I don't think she did anything else that would have made headlines.

Legend has it that Lupe drowned in her toilet after leaving a suicide note and taking an overdose of pills. But The Straight Dope finds that first detail hard to believe.

Even if it were true, the story of Marie Provost's demise is worse. (For the record, Nick Lowe exaggerates. But, then, all men are liars.)

(Boy, this post took an unexpected left turn.)

Click here for more vintage postcards.

UPDATE: Postcard of Lupe Velez's home.

William Carlos Williams Mad-Libs

2011-06-09T15:04:00.004-04:00

I have [past-tense transitive verb]
the [plural noun]
that were in
the [noun]

and which
you were probably
saving
for [noun]

[Transitive verb] me
they were [adjective]
so [adjective]
and so [adjective]

(For background, go to Act II of this This American Life episode. But, as usual, the whole thing is worth listening to.)

A blogoversary rerun from May 9, 2008, in honor of the late Leonard Stern, one of the creators of Mad-Libs. (Also, a writer for "The Honeymooners" and "Get Smart.") Covers of the first three Mad-Lib books are here.

Which is the real "reality" show?

2011-06-08T11:03:00.002-04:00

A rerun from March 13, 2006, so I hope you'll excuse what now appears to be a tasteless Jeff Conaway joke.

Celebrity Garage Sale: Down-on-their-luck celebs compete to see who can raise the most money to pay back taxes by holding a garage sale. Confirmed so far: Grease's Jeff Conaway and Project Runway's Wendy Pepper. Produced by Stanley "M.C. Hammer" Burrell. On TLC.

Celebrity Cooking Showdown: Celebs (yet to be named) team with famous chefs (including Wolfgang Puck) in an elimination cookoff. Produced by Sean "Diddy" Combs. On NBC.

Celebrity Paintball Challenge: Celebs (including famed chef Wolfgang Puck) team with world-champion paintball wizards in elimination paintball-off. Produced by Chris "Ludacris" Bridges. On Spike.

Celebrity Rap-off: Celebs not known for their hustle or their flow are paired with former rap stars in a weekly elimination rap-off. Confirmed so far: Deborah Gibson, Young MC, Rick Springfield, Damon Wibley (from the Fat Boys). Produced by Robert "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle. On VH1.

The answer to the quiz was the second one. (It bombed.) However, after I posted this originally, the first and fourth "fake" reality shows came to pass in one way or another, with other people. Actress Illeana Douglas filmed a pilot for a celebrity garage sale show for a cable channel (I'm not sure if it aired), and a VH1 did indeed air a series exactly like my suggestion, though none of those stars were involved. As far as I can tell, a celebrity paintball competition has not come to pass, at least not on TV.

Smackdown!: Paul Potts vs. Pol Pot

2011-06-07T12:15:00.002-04:00

Paul Potts
WHO?: Cell-phone salesman who, in 2007, became an everyman Britain's Got Talent winner and a ubiquitous YouTube sensation by singing arias in a vibrato-heavy tenor.

PROS: Brings opera to the masses.

CONS: Middlebrow entertainment posing as high art. Repertoire consists of the most overplayed of opera's "greatest hits" mixed with pop schlock. Is currently on tour in the U.S. with several other, even schlockier vocalists.

Pol Pot

WHO?: Cambodian leader of the Khmer Rouge, a brutal Communist movement dating from the mid-'70s. Set high standards for truly insane, violent dictators that today's truly insane, violent dictators only dream of matching.

PROS: Is currently dead.

CONS: Believed to have killed 21% of his country's population, as many as 2.5 million people, by some estimates.

WINNER: All things considered, I've got to go with Paul Potts, even though the Times reports that in a recent NYC appearance he sang "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" in Italian, with an operatic arrangement--which, last time I checked, violated the Geneva Conventions. Pol Pot's singing voice was reportedly quite "pitchy," but genocide is worse than the death of taste.

A rerun from July 14, 2009. You'd be surprised at the number of people who run Google searches on "pol pot paul potts" or some variant thereof. More Smackdowns at the label below.

Yes, because we need the eggs: A one-act documentary play

2011-06-07T08:41:00.003-04:00

Older guy sitting at restaurant bar: My wife will have a margarita, and I'll have a sea breeze.

Bartender: Yes, sir.

[Bartender begins to make drinks.]

Bartender: Do you want a chicken?

Older guy: Uh ... what?

Bartender: Do you want that shaken?

Everyone else sitting nearby [silently]: Oh ... "shaken."

THE END.

Part of our Seventh Anniversary Blogstravaganza. From Nov. 9, 2008.

Maybe it was part of the sentencing?

2011-06-04T21:19:00.003-04:00

Vanity license plate spotted in the parking lot at Lowe's:

PERVI 1

Really? Really???

You know you want it

2011-06-03T10:47:00.005-04:00

I got an e-mail today with the subject line: Vicodin: you know you want it.

And I thought, brother, you don't know the half of it.

Rerun of The Velvet Blog's first entry, from June 14, 2004, part of our Seventh Anniversary Blogstravaganza. Times were simpler then. Gas was 25 cents a gallon. An ice cream sundae--with extra sprinkles!--would set you back a nickel. And I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

But, seriously, do you have any Vicodin?

Seven years of something or other

2011-06-02T14:25:00.003-04:00

Did you realize that The Velvet Blog has been around for seven years? Seven!

Good God--what was I thinking? For the record, I believe my reasoning for signing up with Blogger was: "Hey, it's free."

I'd like to point out that the traditional seventh anniversary gift is either wool or copper. And we'll be celebrating with lots and lots of reruns this month.

Woo hoo!

Possible names for Sarah Palin's bus trip

2011-05-31T16:08:00.005-04:00

--Spasmodical Blistery Tour
--Clavicle Killer Bee Tour
--Classical Liberty Tour
--Baptismal Liturgy Tour
--Radical Pillory Tour
--Mandible Bitterly Tour
--Tactical Glittery Tour

Leave it to an academic to make porn sound boring

2011-05-29T12:52:00.002-04:00

From a Talk of the Town entry in the current edition of The New Yorker:

In 1994, [Clifford J. Scheiner] received a doctorate from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, in California. His dissertation title was "An Annotated Anthology of Erotologically Significant Sexually Explicit Literature Published 1527-1969; or, Little-Known Facts About Well-Known Erotica: A Sociological View of Literature Concerned with Human Sex and Sexuality. ..."

Oh, Clifford. You had me at "erotologically."

Answering the rhetorical questions posed by headlines currently on Google News

2011-05-27T08:26:00.003-04:00

Does Sarah Palin's Bus Tour Mean She's Running?
--If I'm driving and she happens to be in front of it, probably yes.

--Will Kim Kardashian's Wedding Be Bigger Than Kate Middleton's?
More important question: Will it be classier?

OK, You're Rich. Now What?
--Yawn. I don't know. Let me go throw another poor person on the fire, and I'll get back to you.

Thanks for clearing that up, Wikipedia!

2011-05-27T07:45:00.001-04:00

From Wikipedia's entry on actor/comedian Mike Myers:

Michael John "Mike" Myers (born May 25, 1963) is a Canadian actor, comedian, screenwriter, and film producer of British parentage. He was a long-time cast member on the NBC sketch show Saturday Night Live in the late 1980s and the early 1990s and starred as the title characters in the films Wayne's World, Austin Powers, and the Shrek film series. He is not to be confused with Michael Myers, serial killer from the horror film Halloween.

Return to the Valley of the Nonapology Apologies

2011-05-24T09:18:00.005-04:00

So, the rapture didn't happen. Surely Harold Camping, who predicted it, is sorry for predicting the apocalyptic kerfuffle, causing people to run up debt they assumed they wouldn't have to pay, not saving for their kids' college tuition, spending all of their money on ads, and, um, attempting to kill their kids, right?

"If people want me to apologize, I can apologize yes," he told reporters after his speech. "I'm not a genius."

The preacher also added that while so many of his followers donated money--in some cases everything they owned--to his ministry in belief that the world would end last Saturday, they won't get it back.

"Why would we return it?" Camping said, arguing that the world is still going to end in October. --Daily News

Well, "not a genius" is a start.

Waiting for the end of the world

2011-05-23T11:44:00.005-04:00

No, the subject line is not another reference to Harold Camping's whoopsie. My friend Sean and I went to see Elvis Costello in NYC at the Beacon Theatre last night, and that song, which turned up near the end of the set list, kind of sums of Mr. C's world view.

He puts on a great show--he's an affable host (the show had sort of a quasi-game show theme, as audience members--including Mike Myers!--came on stage to spin a giant wheel of song titles) and has boundless energy. Actually, he has more energy than I, as I must cop to ducking out during the last song. Hey, it was getting late (Elvis was on stage for around 2 hours, 40 minutes, and didn't take a break!) and I had a long way to drive. And I'm old (though not quite as old as Elvis).

I didn't take the video embedded above, by the way, but it was obviously shot very close to where we were sitting.

THE END IS NEA

2011-05-20T11:12:00.003-04:00

Part 5 of an end-times movie from the '70s. (The whole thing is chopped up on YouTube.) A dorm-mate dragged me to a showing of this sometime around '82. He took it very seriously. I remained unconvinced.

Seen on the bumper sticker on the car in front of me

2011-05-18T08:16:00.005-04:00

I'LL FORGIVE JANE FONDA WHEN THE JEWS FORGIVE HITLER

Sure, Monster-in-Law was disappointing, but that seems harsh.

UPDATE: Since I posted this yesterday, I've gotten several visits from Google searches along the lines of "anti-jane fonda bumper sticker." I find that fascinating. Personally, I try to keep my anger up to date. Now, pardon me while I put that "Disco sucks" sticker on my Edsel.

Tastier Than Taste Itself!

2011-05-15T17:45:00.004-04:00

As noted a couple of posts ago, my Twitter account has attracted a plague of zombies--followers who mostly post spam links. My latest follower (not you, Fermicat!) is a zombie with a twist: Most of her posts are phrased as come-ons for spam links, but without the actual link. Without their reason for being, the posts seem like a surrealist art project crossed with an inept Zen koan.

I thought I'd share a few so you can share in my bewilderment:

Tastier Than Taste Itself! Salmon Teriyaki
--I'll give this one props for the element of surprise. When I read the first four words, I truly wasn't expecting the final two. So, brava!

Guess What These Two Have In Common James Bond VS Vladimir Putin
--Who are two people who could most likely subdue a Siberian tiger with their bare hands? Who are two people who probably drink a tad more than they ought? Who are two people who have never been in my kitchen?

No Place For Parking? Amazing and truthful
--I'm hoping this involves jet packs. You don't need parking when you have a jet pack: That is both amazing and truthful.

The Funniest Doggy Hairstyle! Notice his style here!
--Oh, if I only could.

Give An Original Happy Birthday Wish! How not to be boring in your congratulations
--You could try talking the hind legs off a donkey. People would not expect that.

Talk the hind legs off a donkey.
--Hey, that was my idea!

A Place For Your Cat Always keep track of your kitty cat
--Note to self: Obtain funding for a GPS-for-cats service. It's a can't miss.

You asked for it!: The outsourced edition

2011-05-12T10:20:00.004-04:00

It's busy-busy-busy at Chez Velvet. Concerned reader God Is My Codependent has stepped in to handle our regular post on weird search terms that have stranded visitors here. Thanks, GIMC!

adorable abominations
--No, we've never done any posts about Rodney Allen Rippy.

sell used seacrest hyperbaric chamber
--A tip: It's worth more if you leave Ryan in it.

activia makes you poop arrow
--I'm not sure I want to poop that much.

is bill gates a virgin
--Only his barber knows.

sexy pauly shore
--I really, really hope there's a new state named Pauly that has nude beaches.

mohammed bacon
--Aisle 4, across from the St. Peter Morning After Pills.

nazi satanists nasa venn diagram
--What is a circle?, Alex.

monkey that looks like a baby
--No! No! You got the joke backwards! The baby looks like a monkey and the punchline is "And how about a banana for your monkey?" For cryin' out loud, people, don't be hanging around the Internet if you can't bring the funny. Sheesh.

Editor's note: Blogger ate the original post and comments. This is not the original post, but an incredible simulation.

Here's looking at you

2011-05-04T08:03:00.005-04:00

Yes, it's true: I have a Twitter feed. I'm not proud of this, mind you. Mostly, I use it to pimp posts here, or for the occasional one-liner. (If you don't follow me, I won't be insulted, and you won't be missing much. Or, um, anything.)

Anyway, I point this out only because I've lately been swamped with zombie followers who appear to be using their Twitter accounts to spread spam.

And when I say "zombie followers" ... well, here's one, on the left, and the other isn't following me, but is followed by others who are following me. (Got that? There will be a quiz later.):

Is it really easier to Photoshop in glasses and a new background than just steal another head shot for your fake account? Has technology progressed to that point?

Osama bin Laden is dead: So, what's on your mind now, America?

2011-05-02T09:03:00.014-04:00

Now that OBL is out of the way, I look forward to our military finally taking down Kelly Ripa.

Seriously, the death of Osama bin Laden is No. 7 of trending topics? Really, more like 8--Mariah Carey's twins ought to count for two.

Oh, P.S.: That's a screenshot of Yahoo's front page at 9 a.m. on Monday.