I draw the line at three dimensions, and I refuse to wear those stupid glasses

Part of a very occasional series in which we improve odd descriptions of vanity press books advertised in The New York Times Book Review by adding the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue" at the end of them. Why? Because we just want to help. Ad copy verbatim (except for the high jinks) from the May 15, 2016, issue.

But first, my usual boilerplate warning: There is nothing wrong with going the for-pay publishing route if you know exactly what you're getting into. If, say, you do public speaking and want to sell books at your engagements. But many of the companies with this model take advantage of the delusional. It doesn't matter how many ads you take out in the Times, no one is going to buy your book about the previously unknown 13th zodiac sign.

Consider all text (sic):

Final Days of Judgment
Final Days of Judgment describes the author's journey to discover how information relating to the laws of universal creation, channeled from the Elohim, ascended masters responsible for the Earth's ascension, applies to life in the modern world. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Bonus! The blurb is lengthened online: "Final Days of Judgement explains how the dross of negative programmes, held individually and in universal consciousness, can be cleared away to facilitate transition to fifth-dimension reality."

Sorry, I'm out. I can't handle that many dimensions.

The Great Creator, the creation and His Creatures From the author of Haiti's Earthquake Jan. 2010 - God's Manifestations comes an insightful book that reveals the way back to eternity through fraternity, combining prose and poetry to convey this call, and highlighting how people can improve their lives. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Through fraternity? Now I regret not pledging. (Oh, I hope it's not Delta Upsilon. Those guys were the worst.)

The Ride, the Rose, and the Resurrection
This memoir by [redacted] narrates the gripping account of one couple's journey through personal tragedy after they suffered life-threatening injuries in a hit-and-run motorcycle accident. It shares stories of compassion and suspicion, companionship and abandonment, religion and faith. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Not to mention sense and sensibility, pastrami and corned beef, and arts and crafts.

A Window to the Soul In this collection of original poems, [redacted] celebrates one of the most profound human experiences: love. Immerse yourself in a a world of love and human emotions as you take a peek into A Window to the Soul... Wacky high jinks ensue.

Peek thought my soul window and I'm calling the authorities.

Memoirs of a "Mad" Dentist
In Memoirs of a "Mad" Dentist, [redacted] looks back to his not-so-ordinary life and career. This book also offers a glimpse into a crusade the author led against a large corporation, demonstrating the power of the human will. Wacky high jinx ensue.

If only the film could star Laurence Olivier--he has experience at that "mad" dentist thing.

Well, that's all for now. And, considering this blog is dead, perhaps ... forever?!? (Nah, probably not.)

What a weird season of "Inspector Morse" that was

In the final "Downton Abbey," I'm rooting for Lady Edith to finally vanquish the Targaryens and Baratheons and ascend the Iron Throne.

There’s an old joke about a little boy who doesn’t talk. Though his parents try everything, including medical specialists, hypnotists, psychiatrists, but nothing will make the kid talk. His life is otherwise normal—he goes to school, plays with his friends, is a member of a Little League team. But he never says a word.

One day, when the boy is 10, his mother serves him soup for lunch. “The soup is cold,” the kid says.

“Oh, my God!” the mother says. “You can talk! Why haven’t you said anything before?”

“Until now,” the kid says, “everything’s been OK.”

What I’m saying is, has anyone checked Justice Thomas’s soup?

The owls are not what they seem

From a New York Times article on workspaces. If I worked in this LinkedIn office, I would expect a dancing dwarf to tell me the gum I liked was about to come back in style.

If only I could monetize this

It's kind of weird how credit works on the Internet. There's a story over at the AV Club about how the Coen brothers are indifferent to the highly acclaimed Fargo TV show, based on their film. The interview originally appeared in Radio Times, which is noted, but IndieWire gets the "via" link and credit. However, when you go to IndieWire, the Exclaim site gets a "via" link. And when you go to the Exclaim story, NME gets a "via" link. Finally, NME links only to the original Radio Times story. So the AV Club story is four steps away from the original story and everything in between is just a summary with absolutely nothing new to add.

So, to further this information journey, I'm going to link to the AV Club. If you pass on this information, though, remember to credit me.

The Two Faces of Dr. Lao

I have a post at the Daily Grindhouse site on George Pal's 1964 fantasy film, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, and its source novel, Charles Finney's The Circus of Dr. Lao. Hey, why don't you click on over and maybe leave a comment or something? Thanks!

The 'Cast Next Door

Hm. How do I explain this?

There's a podcast that, just for poops and giggles, dissects the Jennifer Lopez thriller The Boy Next Door in a minute-by-minute format. Thrills! Chills! Laughs! And I'm on the episode that got posted yesterday, so go listen, OK? A second episode goes up on Sunday, and I'll post a link then.

And now, back to my crypt.

UPDATE: The second podcast is here.

I hope Johnny Depp plays the dental implant in the inevitable movie version

Part of a very occasional series in which we improve odd descriptions of vanity press books advertised in The New York Times Book Review by adding the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue" at the end of them. Why? Because we just want to help. Also, because Gawker is muscling in on my territory and UP WITH THAT I WILL NOT PUT, so The Velvet Blog claws its way out of its burial chamber once again. Ad copy verbatim (except for the high jinks) from the Oct. 4, 2015, issue. Consider all text (sic):

Producing 20 books and 36 patents in the field of Oral Implantology, [name redacted] has established himself as the father of Modern Implant Dentistry. My Life, Times, and Legacy accounts his lifelong commitment and pursuit for excellence, inspiration, and success. Wacky high jinks ensue.

After going through four vivid and lucid dreams where she came face-to-face with Christ and God, [name redacted], Ph.D. learned that by "being love" and living them from the heart, we essentially create heaven on earth. Join her in her journey! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Meet Mad Addie. Lovers find her special; in fact awesome. She gets the best of men; she's clear headed and maintains control of intimate situations. Men who think they've conquered, in the end are themselves conquered. And they love it! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Is that wacky enough for you, Gawker? WELL, IS IT?

Oh, and a repeat of my disclaimer, since it's been a while: It's worth restating that there is nothing wrong with going the for-pay publishing route if you know exactly what you're getting into. But many of the companies with this model are quite scummy, and take advantage of the delusional. I don't care how many ads you take out in the Times, no one is going to buy your book about the previously unknown 13th zodiac sign.

And now The Velvet Blog now returns to its well-appointed mausoleum.

This coffe is bad.

There's a joke-writing bot that just spits this shit out, I guess?

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Josh Boucher (@OneOfTheJoshes) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Samantha Ivey (@IActuallyAmSam) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Amanda Vick (@CitizenAmanda) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Alexandra Rourke (@SoTweetedAlex) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Jason Grammer (@JasonUnmasked) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Victoria Mitchener (@VeniVidiVickie) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Aimee Landrum (@AimeeOfcourse) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Ethan Brenner (@LethalBrenner) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Lily Duarte (@LilyCantMiss) July 10, 2015

Good times.

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Valerie Nichols (@ThatsValsTweet) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Andi W (@AndithingGoes) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Victoria Mitchener (@VeniVidiVickie) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Alexandra Rourke (@SoTweetedAlex) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Samantha Ivey (@IActuallyAmSam) July 15, 2015

I really don't get Twitter. Note that all of these uses of the identically worded joke were posted at the exact same time.

(Even if the wording is changed, it's still an unoriginal joke. That doesn't bother me as much--I've made hack jokes myself--but the exact same wording?)