Photo of the Day

More photos from Longwood Gardens TK.

Gone fishin'

Ways I plan to spend my upcoming week off:

--Not working
--Not blogging

Have a good week, all.

Ways I plan to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Roswell incident (Updated)

--Inexplicably lose an hour after seeing bright lights in the sky
--Sculpt mashed potatoes into a replica of the Devil's Tower
--Discover the book "To Serve Man" isn't what I thought it was


(Officially sanctioned ways to celebrate are here.)

UPDATE: Most of the gazillion fan-made music videos on YouTube are beyond dire, but this one, for Sufjan Stevens' "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Ill." is effectively eerie. It's worth a look. (Last time I checked, the album this is taken from, Come On, Feel the Illinoise!, was only $7.99 on iTunes. As it's really good and pushes 80 minutes long, that's a real bargain. Jim says: Buy it!)

A handy visual guide for distinguishing between bacon, Canadian bacon, and Canadian ham

Bacon


Canadian bacon


Canadian ham

Another rerun in honor of the third supercalifragilisticexpialidocious blogoversary extravaganza fiesta, this one from April 29, 2005. My fave from the Handy Visual Guide series.

Photo of the Day

Reminds me of an Escher drawing, a little.

Name of the Day

Steve Starlust, head of Paragon Advertising in Bay Shore.

Which is quite a coincidence, because that's my science-fiction porn name.

The Velvet Blog's All-Time Greatest Comments

--Shove it.
(From a fan of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth)

--[TVB is] fun to read, even if it's basically crap wrapped in shiny tin-foil.
(I'm still not sure what brought that on, actually.)


And the third supercalifragilisticexpialidocious blogoversary extravaganza spectacular rolls on!

When publishing trends collide

This story on young-adult publishing...

Weetzie Bat wears vintage clothes decorated with sparkles. She has a boyfriend she calls "My Secret Agent Lover Man." They live with Dirk, Weetzie's gay best friend, his lover, Duck, and Weetzie's daughter, Cherokee, possibly conceived during group sex with Dirk and Duck. There is also Witch Baby, Lover Man's child with a witch. The family works in the movie business. And they become involved with seamier elements of Los Angeles: rough sex, pimps and drugs.

This may not seem like a conventional young-adult book or something to be promoted by your local library. But in January, the Young Adult Library Services Association of the American Library Association announced that Ms. Block was being given the Margaret A. Edwards Award for lifetime achievement, sponsored by School Library Journal. The award's web site (www.ala.org) says it "recognizes an author's work in helping adolescents become aware of themselves and addressing questions about their role" in society. --The New York Times

...was soon followed by this story on the upcoming "Peter Pan" sequel:

Children's author Geraldine McCaughrean has been chosen to write the official sequel to J.M. Barrie's "Peter Pan," the London hospital that holds the copyright to the classic work said Sunday. ... It has stipulated that the new work, titled "Captain Pan," must feature the original characters: the boy who never grew up along with his pals Wendy, fairy Tinkerbell and the Lost Boys--as well as the fearsome pirate Hook. ... The judges said McCaughrean's entry “captured the elusive spirit of the original whilst offering a fresh and astounding creative response and will appeal to both children and adults." --MSNBC

Please don't ask me how, but I've been able to find McCaughrean's winning story outline:

Peter "Captain" Pan is a helpless alcoholic who lives with his pre-op transexual girlfriend, Tinkerbell. Tink denies she's turning tricks, but somehow she's able to bring home enough bucks to keep the couple supplied with ramen noodles. In past-life regression therapy, Peter realizes he was molested by Hookmaster D., a fading pop star who was never the same after accidentally grabbing his crotch with his prosthetic hook while shooting a music video. Peter returns to Hookmaster's armed compound, Neverwhere, in order to free the Lost Boys, a boy band being held captive there. Unfortunately, Hookmaster's henchman, Smee, sees Peter coming and the Lost Boys are handed soda cans filled with poisoned "Jesus Juice"-brand wine cooler. The end.

I smell a best seller!


The third supercalifragilisticexpialidocious blogoversary extravaganza continues! This post dates from March 15, 2005. I don't know why they didn't just let me write the "Peter Pan" sequel. Fools!

The soundtrack of our lives

I don't usually participate in blog memes--I like reading them others' blogs, but never get around to joining in--but this one, which I spotted on Fermicat's blog, looked like fun, and it's a twist on the recurring Random 10 feature. It's sort of a musical I Ching.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

Here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every item, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new item, press the "next" button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...


Opening Credits: "One Big Love," Patty Griffin ("Let's take a ride to the seaside/We can go out swimming in the high tide/Just wear your shorts and your long hair/Don't forget the lawn chair")

--Well, that's a promising start! I guess my life will be a fun summer romp ...


Waking Up: "Leave the Biker," Fountains of Wayne ("Please leave the biker/Leave the biker/Break his heart")

--... though not without some bumps in the road.


First Day at School: "La La La," The Bird and the Bee ("If there's someone you don't like/You don't have to say hello/There's no reason you should leave/There's no reason you should go")

--Sounds like good enough advice, though the guidance office probably wouldn't like the "there's no reason you should go" part.


Falling in Love: "She Loves You," K.J. Denhert ("She says she loves you/And you know that can't be bad/Yes, she loves you/And you know you should be glad")

--Apparently, in my biopic, I'm heterosexual, rather like Cole Porter in "Night and Day."


Fight Song: "Greenman," XTC ("Please to dance round for the one called the Greenman/He wants to make you his bride")

--Would only be a good choice for a fight song if they set my biopic in pagan England.


Breaking Up: "She's Leaving Home," Harry Nilsson ("Quietly turning the backdoor key/Stepping outside she is free")

--We gave her everything money could buy!


Prom: "Mermaids," Swan Dive ("It was over the waves we go/Diving for coral down below/Love was the undertow/When we were mermaids")

--I was kind of hoping for Fountains of Wayne's "Prom Theme" here, but this one works, actually.


Mental Breakdown: "That Teenage Feeling," Neko Case ("Now that we've met/We can only laugh at these regrets")

--Regrets, I've had a few.


Driving: "Kid Gloves," Fountains of Wayne ("Here is what I've found/New York just gets me down/When the going got tough/I got a bus ticket/Back to my home town")

Flashback: "Girl on a Wire," Swan Dive ("Higher and higher/Girl on a wire/Don't look down")

Getting Back Together: "Sleep Late, My Lady Friend," Harry Nilsson ("Sleep late, my lady friend/Let the warm summer breeze/Drift through your window")

--Let me amend my previous comment. I am relentlessly hetero in my biopic.


Wedding: "In the Name of Love," Kenny Rankin ("What burns and glows without flame?/What lives and grows without rain?/What brings a smile that lasts for a little while/Then makes me cry without shame?/How can you please me then and torture and tease me/And do it in the name of love?")

Birth of Child: "Down From Dover," Lee Hazlewood and Nancy Sinatra ("My body aches, the time is here, it's lonely in this place where I'm lyin'/Our baby has been born, but something's wrong, it's much too still, I hear no cryin'/I guess in some strange way she knew she'd never have a father's arms to hold her/So dying was her way of telling me he wasn't coming down from Dover")

--Yes, that's right, my iPod picked the one song I own that's explicitly about the death of a child. I thought Lee Hazlewood wrote it, but apparently it was Dolly Parton, though I've never heard her version. It's quite a tear jerker.


Final Battle: "Like Lovers Do," Lloyd Cole ("Everyday you're so sad to see me/And I'm so glad to take the blame/It's always going to be that way")

Death Scene: "My Finest Hour," Paula Kelley ("I want my finest hour to be/When everything's a part of you's a part of me")

Funeral Song: "Writers Are a Funny Breed," Jane Siberry ("You said someday when we're pure and high/We won't need to capture and describe/The things we see or don't see/We'll let things be/Let things be/That's when you'd leave")

End Credits: "Back to Even," Bill Lloyd ("I've been in the red and I've been in the black/It's good to be back to even.")

--And I guess that's a good enough place to end up.

If sock monkeys were hypnotists

Look into my eyes. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy ... Your eyelids are getting heavy, so heavy you cannot keep your eyes open. You try to get up from your chair, but you can't. You feel heavy, heavy, as if you can't move, like you just ate combo meal #5 at Taco Bell.

You are under my control. You will do anything I say.

Now, give me that banana.



This rerun, part of the third blogoversary extravaganza, was the first of TVB's many sock monkey posts, from Jan. 10, 2006. The world was so much simpler then! Gasoline powered most of our light bulbs. The horse and buggy were just beginning to make way for the robot horse and nanobuggy. Genetically modified schnauzers had not yet mutated into the genetically modified schnauzer overlords that rule our nation today. Hm. Maybe this has something to do with the vicodin.

You know you want it

I got an e-mail today with the subject line: Vicodin: you know you want it.

And I thought, brother, you don't know the half of it.


A rerun of the first post on The Velvet Blog, from June 14, 2004. If you look back over that first month's worth of posts, I think you'll notice one thing: I've shown remarkably little growth in my blogging skills since then. You've gotta give me points for consistency!

I think I'm going to be lazy over the next week or two and do a lot of reruns. Bear with me. Either it will all be new to you or a trip down memory lane.

Oh, and this first post? It still feels remarkably current. The publisher where I work laid off 200 people yesterday. I was spared, but if you have any painkillers, please contact me. Thanks.