You know you want it

I got an e-mail today with the subject line: Vicodin: you know you want it.

And I thought, brother, you don't know the half of it.  


Hey, I just remembered The Velvet Blog is turning eight this month! My, how time flies. Before you know it, TVB will be swiping my car keys to go visit clandestine raves. (Are they still a thing? Do teens go to raves? Oh, whatever.) This particular post was the first one here, from June 14, 2004. 

In the past, I've spent the month of June rerunning old posts as an energy-saving measure (just like those fluorescent bulbs that no one likes, either). I may or may not do the same this month. We'll see.

Blogger informs me that this is my 1,931rst post, but I think that may include items in draft form but never triggered. Yes, there are some things I decided weren't worthy of being posted here. Hard to believe, I know. 

Reason for infrequent posting

All humor has been sucked from the universe.

Also, I'm busy at work. But mostly the humor-sucking thing.

Random thought

According to Weather.com, the moon is waxing gibbous. I wonder if it considered electrolysis first.

Spam email I never finished reading

Hi Jim, 

I visited your Profile in one of the Social Community sites. I'm aware you are one of the decision makers in the company. ...

Submitted for your approval

Life feeling a little dull? Routine got you down? Would you rather be chased by zombies?

From The New York Times:

On Wednesday the publishing imprint behind the popular undead comic-book series “The Walking Dead,” which spawned the hit AMC drama of the same title, said it would introduce a new live event, The Walking Dead: Escape, at Petco Park in San Diego this summer. ...

Organizers of The Walking Dead: Escape said in a news release that it was “unlike any obstacle course event” in the United States, allowing participants to play “a Survivor and race through the zombie infested evacuation zone; a Walker who becomes one of the undead, embracing the inevitable; or a Spectator who watches the apocalypse from sidelines at the Escape Party.” ...

Those who take part in the event as Survivors must “climb, crawl and slide in an effort to avoid confrontation by hordes of Walkers,” the release said, adding that it “is not a race, and Survivors are not timed, but the end is near, and they must move swiftly.”

Oh, I dunno. Feels kind of like the same old, same old to me.

Now trending on Yahoo

3) Obama Clinton beef.
7) All-you-can-eat fish.
10) Food allergies.

If sock monkeys were classical composers

"Fanfare for the Common Bonobo"
"Peter and the Gorilla"
"Eine Kleine Chimpmusik"
"Hungarian Apesody"
"The Simian's Apprentice"
"The Magic Banana"


(With thanks to Prof. Longnose.)

Your host: An update

Busy, busy, busy. Crazy deadlines at the magazine the next few weeks, so expect even fewer posts than usual.

Other things on the horizon:

Thanks to a friend from college who's an editor at the North American Review, a short piece of commentary I wrote will close out the summer issue of "America's oldest literary magazine."

Previously, the NAR has run work by Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain, Edith Wharton, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Thomas Edison, John Steinbeck, Kurt Vonnegut, and Margaret Atwood. In related news, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain, Edith Wharton, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Thomas Edison, John Steinbeck, Kurt Vonnegut, and Margaret Atwood were recently observed spinning in their graves.

Which is odd about Margaret Atwood, as she's not dead.

I'm also about three-quarters through writing a rough draft of a piece dissecting After Last Season. God (or some lesser luminary) willing, it will appear in issue #17 of Cashiers du Cinemart at some point during the summer.

Details to follow, as they become known...

Wacky high jinks, helicopter parents, and overattentive flight attendants

Part of a very occasional series in which we improve odd descriptions of vanity press books advertised in The New York Times Book Review by adding the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue" at the end of them. Why? Because we just want to help. Ad copy verbatim (except for the high jinks) from the April 29 issue. Odd punctuation should be considered (sic):

Plateau Ivory 10,000: Down With Destiny: Wishwanath, the Monarch of Plateau Ivory was driven to the edge by believing his father who had died of an accident was alive and following him to almost everywhere! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Daaaad! Stop it!

Underneath a Flight Attendant talks about [name redacted]'s adventures, during her long flying career as a cabin crew and her musings as a spiritual guru and peace seeker. It's a biography that will blow your mind! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Really, miss, all I asked for was a blanket.

"Now I Can Call Myself A Biker": This is the story of David's exploits and adventures to gain experience he so desperately wanted. It has shown that even at his age, in his mid-life crisis, it wasn't too late to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Oh, big deal. I just bought a seven-speed bicycle. Now, that takes guts.

Eeny meeny miny banana

Recent search terms that have stranded visitors on The Velvet Blog:


random banana
clowns under beds
freddie mercury bulge
yentl soup
ferrets in tank tops
jimmy donahue naked
did rush limbaugh's wife kathryn rogers leave his dumb ass
men with moles on face   
puns using the word velvet

Postcard of the day

Oct. 16, 1905

Why don't you write to little me.

Kathryn