Vacation's all I ever wanted...

Yeesh. A Go-Go's reference? Please.

I'll be insanely busy the rest of the week, then I'm on vacation for two weeks, so it's doubtful you'll hear from me again for a while.

My advice while I'm gone:

--Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day. Snacks are. Eat chocolate. Not the cheap stuff, either--it's just not worth it. Buy the good stuff and savor every bite. Just don't make a pig out of yourself.

--Vote early and vote often.

--Signal before changing lanes.

--If you happen to run into Tucker Carlson, call him a dick.

--Chew thoroughly before swallowing.

--And keep your dirty shoes off my clean kitchen floor!

This news just in: Tucker Carlson still a dick

"I thought that he [Jon Stewart] looked ridiculous," Carlson said in an interview Monday, "and I think the tape makes that clear." --Oct. 30, Associated Press

7

"Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America..."

Jon Stewart's comments to the hosts of "Crossfire" are must reading. Funny as hell, and dead on.

Somehow, I doubt this will pass the Turing test

Real "conversation" I had with a co-worker, after I left my desk and put on the auto-respond function:

mijhsan: I'm back.

Auto response from JDonahue62: Hi mijhsan, I'm unavailable at the moment.

JDonahue62: i'm back.

Auto response from mijhsan: Hi JDonahue62, I'm out to lunch.

JDonahue62: let's both sit back and let our IMs talk to each other.

Disturbing referral

Hmm. Someone seems to have found The Velvet Blog by Googling ways to induce a coma. (Got a hit here because of my jest from a few days ago about wanting to wake up after the elections are over.)

That seriously creeps me out. Also, the fact that Googling the phrase "induce a coma" puts TVB on the first page of results. And that the #1 listing is for a page headlined "Wanking yourself into a coma." Really.

This is making me completely rethink Google's reliability.

Let's see. I'm writing a story or review about a movie called "Shark Tale."

What catchy phrase can I use that no one else will come up with? I've got it!!!


"You and your family will be hooked!" --Jeffrey Lyons, NBC

"By the first two minutes of the movie, I was hooked!" --Gene Shalit, NBC

Note: The makers of this movie are using the above two quotes right next to each other in ads!

"Good animated movies always seem to offer a little more under the surface than "Shark Tale" delivers. I wasn't hooked." --Summit Daily News

"So far, the movie has hooked in $87.7 million, according to studio." --People

"Shark Tale has hooked some of the hottest names in the music biz for its soundtrack." --USA Today

"""Shark Tale," Dreamworks SKG's animated fish comedy hooked the No. 1 spot..." --CBS Marketwatch

"But back to the movie that hooked the biggest audience by far this weekend. The opening of the PG-rated "Shark Tale" will be a feather in the cap of the studio's animation division..." --Hollywood Reporter

"Families are still hooked on Shark Tale." --Cleveland Plain Dealer

"Pic hooked $347,000 in the Philippines..." --Variety

"Released Down Under before its domestic launch this Friday, "Shark Tale" hooked $2.4 million on 273 in Australia..." --Variety

"The animated fish story, which features a Who's Who of celebrity voices, hooked the No. 1 spot..." --New York Post

"For Robert De Niro, it was Katzenberg and his team that hooked him." --The Times of London

"Hooked on animation..." --Winnipeg Sun

"The creators of 'Shark Tale' hooked a whole school of big-name celebs to bring movie's finned folks to life." --Chicago Sun Times (Red Streak)

"In fact, from the opening sequence of a worm being cast into the ocean, I was hooked (pun most likely intended)." --The Citizen

"Why these actors are hooked on their animated 'Shark Tale' characters." --San Bernardino Sun

"Shark Tale has a story line that's sure to have you hooked." --City News Ohio

Is that a radio transmitter in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

I would say we'd reached the height of the silly season. Only I've been feeling so cynical lately there's a nagging voice inside me that says "ridiculous, but ... not completely impossible."

From The New York Times:

What was that bulge in the back of President Bush's suit jacket at the presidential debate in Miami last week?

According to rumors racing across the Internet this week, the rectangular bulge visible between Mr. Bush's shoulder blades was a radio receiver, getting answers from an offstage counselor into a hidden presidential earpiece. The prime suspect was Karl Rove, Mr. Bush's powerful political adviser.

When the online magazine Salon published an article about the rumors on Friday, the speculation reached such a pitch that White House and campaign officials were inundated with calls.

First they said that pictures showing the bulge might have been doctored. But then, when the bulge turned out to be clearly visible in the television footage of the evening, they offered a different explanation.

"There was nothing under his suit jacket," said Nicolle Devenish, a campaign spokeswoman. "It was most likely a rumpling of that portion of his suit jacket, or a wrinkle in the fabric."

Ms. Devenish could not say why the "rumpling" was rectangular.

Nor was the bulge from a bulletproof vest, according to campaign and White House officials; they said Mr. Bush was not wearing one.

Please, if I start spouting off about Area 51, the grassy knoll, or the faked moon landing, just put me out of my misery.

Oh, and just for the record, I never want to see the words "Bush" and "bulge" juxtaposed again. OK?

The power of a truly silly idea and the Internet

Type the word "Freddie" into Google. You'll get 1.8 million matches.

#10 on the list--behind some hits for Freddie Mac, Freddie Mercury, and Freddie Prinz--is my dog's blog (see Links list if you don't know what I'm talking about).

Un. Be. Lievable.

In related news, down is up and black is white

"MIAMI Oct. 7, 2004 -- Vice President Dick Cheney asserted on Thursday that a report by the chief U.S. weapons inspector in Iraq, who found no evidence that Iraq produced weapons of mass destruction after 1991, justifies rather than undermines President Bush's decision to go to war. " --The Associated Press

Sounds legit to me

Freddie already posted this important news story, but I'm sure he won't mind if I cross-post.

Fact-checking the debate

Worth reading. Oh, and this, too.

I have to admit that I didn't watch much of it. About two-thirds of the way through, though, I tuned back in and closed my eyes--Cheney is a lot easier to take if you don't actually have to look at him.

People I hate

-People who go through stop signs
-People who go through stop lights
-People who weave in an out of traffic at 70+ mph
-People who tailgate
-People who pass you, then get into your lane and slow down
-People who rubberneck at accidents
-People who stop in the middle of the road for no discernible reason
-People who change lanes without signaling
-People who change lanes without checking their mirror
-People who use their cell phones while driving, without using a hands-free set
-People who see a policeman on the side of the road and slow down to 10 mph under the speed limit
-People who drive SUVs for no good reason
-People who appear to be watching TV while driving
-Dick Cheney

Is there a safe way to self-induce a coma?

Honestly, I don't think I'm mentally prepared to withstand the assault of jaw-dropping political ads, hot-air-filled pundits, and dubious polls over the next few weeks. I mean... where's Claus von Bulow when you need him???