Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Or, Why we can't all just get along

From that great philospher, Emo Phillips:

I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns... You've heard of the elephant man? He was kind of like that; he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse. And my heart went out to him. I said, "Why the long face?" ...

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."

He said, "How do you know there's a God?"

I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"

He said, "I do believe in God."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over the edge.

3 comments:

Gina said...

Do you do work for hire?

Jim Donahue said...

All praise is due to the great and all-powerful Emo.

Here's another quote:

And I go over to the psychologist, and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I say, "Oh, it's kind of embarrassing." He says, "Emo, everyone sees something, so don't be embarrassed. Tell me what the inkblot looks like to you." I say, "Well, to me it looks like standard pattern #3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he gets kind of depressed. I say, "Okay, it's a butterfly." And he cheers up. He says, "What does this inkblot look like?" I say, "It looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of man into a vortex of sin and degradation." He says, "No, um, the inkblot's over there. That's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh," I say, "was I far off?" He says, "No. That's the sad part."

hoov, esq said...

He said, "you have to prove you're a citizen of New York. Nyuh, nyuh, nyuh." So I stabbed him.