Elfhood

Excerpt from David Sedaris's "The SantaLand Diaries," about his experiences working as an elf at Macy's for two Christmas seasons:

The hallway was packed with people, and all of them seemed to stop me with a question: which way to the down escalator, which way to the elevator, the Patio Restaurant, gift wrap, the women's rest room, Trim-A-Tree. There was a line for Santa and a line for the women's bathroom, and one woman, after asking me a dozen questions already, asked, "Which line for the women's bathroom?" I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it.

She said, "I'm going to have you fired."

I had two people say that to me today. "I'm going to have you fired." Go ahead, be my guest. I'm wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn't get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are?

"I'm going to have you fired!" and I wanted to lean over and say, "I'm going to have you killed."

I read a slightly shortened version of this piece to raise money for a charity the other night. It went well. But too bad that only eight people showed up. Still, I got asked to do it at a coffeehouse next year--for money! Woo-hoo! I'm a professional actor at last!

There's an unofficial David Sedaris resource site here--with, sadly, many dead links. Too bad all of Sedaris's Esquire columns have now switched over to a pay site.