Monday, February 28, 2005

Best Oscar commentary

An entire roomful of people breaks into hysterical laughter at the very sight of Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz. It appears that just before the Crows took the stage, Sideshow Bob successfully attacked Duritz's head and is sodomizing his scalp. --Defamer



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Sunday, February 27, 2005

If this doesn't work, maybe they could try a dancing monkey

The battle over Social Security has been joined by an unusual lobbyist, a 9-year-old from Texas who has agreed to travel supporting President Bush's proposal.

The boy, Noah McCullough, made a splash with his encyclopedic command of presidential history, earning five appearances on the "Tonight" show and some unusual experiences in the presidential campaign last year. He beat Howard Dean in a trivia contest at the Democratic National Convention and wrote for his local newspaper about his trip to see the inauguration.

"He's very patriotic and very Republican," said Noah's mother, Donna McCullough, a former teacher and self-described Democrat. "It's the way he was born."

... Noah plans to run for the White House in 2032--and he wants Social Security addressed before then.

"It will be bankrupt when I'm president," he said.
--The New York Times

Sigh. Nine years old and already gone over to the dark side.


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Thursday, February 24, 2005

The Herman True-Food Indicator

Wise words from a friend: "If you hold on to food for more than two decades and microorganisms do not eat it, then it wasn't really food in the first place."


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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

There's such a fine line between "bordering on cruelty" and "pathological sadism"

Ian Frasier quotes from right-wing favorite Jerry Falwell's autobiography in the new issue of The New Yorker:


There were times that Dad's pranks bordered on cruelty. One of his oil-company workers, a one-legged man he nicknamed "Crip" Smith, complained about everything. Dad and Crip's co-workers got tired of the old man's bellyaching and decided to take revenge. One morning Crip called in sick and Dad volunteered to send by lunch to his grateful but suspicious employee. Dad and his chums caught Crip's old black tomcat, killed it, skinned it, and cooked it in the kitchen of one of Dad’s little restaurants. They called it squirrel meat and delivered it to Crip on a linen-covered tray. When Crip returned to work the next morning, Dad and his co-conspirators asked him how he liked his meal. They knew he would complain even about a free home-cooked lunch, and when Crip called it "the toughest squirrel meat" he had ever eaten, they were glad to tell him why. --The Reverend Jerry Falwell, in "Strength for the Journey: An Autobiography."

This anecdote explains a thing or two, no?

It's mind-boggling how Falwell has turned into the go-to guy for talking-heads pundit shows. There are religious leaders who aren't total nutjobs. But I guess they don't give good TV.

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PS: I've been getting a lot of search hits because of this post, for some reason. To read the whole Ian Frasier column, a spoof of Falwell's writing, go here.



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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Oscar Countdown: Part 4

In today's Oscar spotlight is a Best Picture nominee:

Million Dollar Baby

Baby

Wow--it's hard to believe, but I haven't seen this yet, either. I have got to get out more. But with that title, I can only assume that Clint Eastwood has finally made the cuddly family film we've always known he's had in him. So bring the kids--they're going to love it!

See you at the concession stand!TM

Monday, February 14, 2005

Who am us, anyway?

If you've been following the news, you've undoubtedly read about the legions of muckraking bloggers who've commandeered the headlines. A few months ago, right-wing bloggers presented evidence that a news report made by Dan Rather may not have been thoroughly fact checked, perhaps speeding his retirement. More recently, a CNN executive stepped down after some bloggers published embarrassing comments he had made. And, more luridly, a male escort turned pseudonymous lobber of softball questions to the president at press conferences resigned from a right-wing "news" service as a result of lefty blogs.

It all made very suspicious--of me. Just who is Jim Donahue? Here I've been, spewing my ridiculous lists and snarky comments, but what are my qualifications? Do I have any right to be here? Do I have some sort of hidden agenda?

I decided to do a thorough examination of my past the only way I know how: by Googling myself.

What I found surprised even me.

Long ago--decades before I was even born, in fact--I was a baseball star, and even had my own bubble-gum card. I was also a character in a silent film.

During World War II, I was both a Marine and a sailor in the Navy--at the same time, apparently, so I must have astonishing time-management skills. Somehow, in 1940, I found the time to win a crewing championship for my high school.

After the war, I became a lifeguard, later working with my two, much taller sons.

I must have tired of the lifeguard grind, and started my own trailer business. Apparently, I will be happy to solve all your transportation needs.

Along the way, I became a lawyer; the President of the National Recreation and Park Association; an assistant principal; and a guitar designer.

I hate Clear Channel. I love the environment. I believe war profiteering is bad. And I can describe two models for object-oriented document-management systems.

I am fairly sure that this is NOT me, as I can't imagine myself ever writing a paper entitled "Polyunsaturated Dicarboyxlate Tethers Connecting Dimolybdenum Redox and Chromophoric Centers: Absorption Spectra and Electronic Structures."

All in all, it sounds like a whirlwind of a life. I just wish I could remember a fraction of it.

Reason No. 12,283 why I'm glad I'm not dating, and reason No. 172 why I'm glad I don't fly often

A security screener at Newark Liberty International Airport failed to spot a butcher knife in a passenger's pocketbook and was removed from the post for retraining, officials said. Katrina Bell, 27, had cleared security and was waiting with her sister to board a flight on Saturday morning when she discovered she was carrying a knife. Bell had put the knife in her bag "just in case" before going on a blind date earlier that week, her sister and travel companion, Tikisha Bell Gowens, 30, said in The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark. --Yahoo News

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Oscar Countdown: Part Trois

Today's Oscar hopefuls, Best Actor nominee Jamie Foxx and Best Director Taylor Hackford, are both in the running for:

Ray

Ray

Hmmm. Haven't caught up with this one yet, either. But I have to say it seems odd to base a film on a TV sitcom that's still on the air--don't they usually wait a few years?--and to use someone other than its namesake star. But you've got to give the producers kudos for its successful, nontraditional casting.

See you at the concession stand!TM

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Just wondering

Do patriotic Satanists affix "Satan Bless Our Troops" bumper stickers to their cars?

Warning

Take The Velvet Blog only as directed by a physician. Do not ingest TVB less than 12 hours before a meal, on a full stomach, or an empty stomach. May cause drowsiness; do not read TVB while operating heavy machinery. May cause nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, low blood pressure, or exploding-head syndrome. Anyone who is pregnant, may be pregnant, has been pregnant, or has a mother who has been pregnant should not take TVB. If an erection lasts four hours, call a physician and camera crew immediately.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Countdown to the Oscars: Part Two

Today's spotlight is trained on Britain's Imelda Staunton, nominated for Best Actress for her searing role in:

Vera Drake

Drake

Sadly, I haven't seen this one yet, either. I'm pretty sure from what I've read that Staunton plays Vera Drake, a madcap snack-cake heiress who ... um ... also performs surgery in back alleyways. This sounds like one wild romp!

So, save me a seat, and I'll see you at the concession stand!TM

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Countdown to the Oscars: Part I

Yes, it's almost Oscar time, movie lovers! And you know what that means? That's right--not all that much. Off the top of my head, I couldn't tell you what won Best Picture last year.

Though I've seen only one of the films up for the major awards, I've decided to salute the honorees anyway.

Today, let's take a look at one of the nominees for Best Actor, Don Cheadle, up for his role in:

Hotel LaWanda

LaWanda

I'm afraid this is one of the films I haven't seen yet, so I'm just going to have to wing it. Cheadle, who got his start playing the desk clerk in "Golden Girls" spin-off "The Golden Palace," is now working for Aunt Esther, late of "Sanford and Son" spin-off "The Sanford Arms." Wacky high jinks ensue.

Well, that's about all I have for now, so I'll see you at the concession stand!TM



Thursday, February 03, 2005

"There's no party without pork rinds!"

Fried porky goodness

That's the slogan on the bag of pork rinds I was surprised to find in my company's vending machine today. If true, I guess I've never been to a party.

There's something about the word "rind" that's very offputting when combined with the word "pork." "Rind" just seems to go better with words like "orange" or "lemon."

I'm both physically repulsed and oddly intrigued.

Update: In response to a request for a close-up:

Fried porky goodness

They look sort of innocuous, don't they?

But remember this: They're the favorite snack of the Bush family.

You can tell a lot about people by the snack food they eat.




Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

February has been canceled

Face it--you hate February. It's cold, gray, and dreary. And although it's usually just 28 days long, it feels like 38.

So I've gone ahead and canceled the entire month. Don't ask how, and don't bother to thank me.

Just go ahead and rip February off your calendar and go directly to March.


UPDATE: Well, I've been informed by the U.S. Office of Calendaring that canceling a month is highly illegal and that I really should have asked for permission first. Who knew? I guess I should have asked the children. I suggested adding days to July and August to make up for February's disappearance, but no, they wouldn't go for it. Sorry. So, fish that miserable month out of the trash and put it back up.