Monday, January 31, 2011

So long, suckers!

I'd like to formally announce that I'm come into a large sum of money. Woo hoo!

I just received this notification:
Dear Beneficiary,

We are pleased to notify you that your email address won the sum of GBP£750,000: 00 (Seven Hundred and Fifty Thousand Great British Pounds) from Heineken Online Sweep stake Promotion held on December 1st, 2010.

Well, I'm not too happy you held on to my money for two months, but still: Woo hoo!
Your Email Address was selected randomly through our Computer Ballot System from World Email Directories. This promotion is part of the financial empowerment program of the Heineken Company London UK in its desire to Reward our Numerous Customers Worldwide.

I've long been suspicious of world e-mail directories--a bit too much like One World Government, am I right?--but still: Woo hoo!
While basking in the euphoria of this achievement, I wish to seize this opportunity...

You know, you could stop typing for a moment and take a shower. I'll wait. Woo hoo!
I wish to seize this opportunity to acquaint you with guidelines as you must follow in order to complete your claims. On our part, we have a mandate to see you through. We will work assiduously to realize this mandate as we respect your views,opinions and most importantly protect your Privacy.

Thanks! Now, pardon me while I wire you all my banking information. Woo hoo!

UPDATE: Um, does the bank have to empty out your account before receiving a large sum of money to make sure it doesn't overflow? If so: Woo hoo!


Knatolee said...

PHEW! I saw that headline and thought you were going to close up your blog again. Instead you're merely a billionaire. Can I have $10,000? For my little friend Timmy, who fell down a well?

Melanie said...

Your [son/daughter/grandpa] is stuck in [Las Vegas/Orlando/Mexico] and needs $1,000 to get home. If you send it to me, I will buy [his/her] ticket!

Gina said...

You didn't come out and say it, but I'm reading between the lines -- this isn't going to change you, right? You'll still work and blog... Right?

Jim Donahue said...

No, I've already quit.

I'm going to devote myself entirely to blogging and eating bonbons.

If only I could figure out why my bank account is completely empty. Well, I'm sure that wire transfer is coming soon.

Pardon me while go stock up on bonbons. said...

When I read "bonbons" I thought it said "Bonobos."