"Garnish with Fluffernutter."

If you've been reading The Velvet Blog for a while (and really--if not, why not?), you know that we have an occasional series in which we improve depressing (or odd) descriptions of vanity press books by adding the phrase "wacky high jinks ensue."

Today, at the suggestion of concerned reader God Is My Codependent, we begin a new series, in which we lighten the blow of negative film reviews by the addition of the phrase "Garnish with Fluffernutter." Let's see how this works.

We set out on this brave experiment by using today's review in The New York Times of Mamma Mia! It's not exactly the worst review in the world, but, rather, the very definition of the "mixed review":

If you insist on folding your arms, looking at your watch and defending yourself against this mindless, hedonistic assault on coherence, you are unlikely to survive until the end credits (which may, by themselves, kill you all over again). Surrender, on the other hand, is easy and painless. It’s Greece! It’s bellybuttons! It’s Meryl Streep! It’s Abba! Garnish with Fluffernutter.

Success!

(Oh, and in case you're unfamiliar with the Fluffernutter, you obviously weren't a part of The Velvet Blog's childhood.)

The Bugle

I was poking around iTunes last night and discovered that The Daily Show's John Oliver does a podcast for a British newspaper, with Andy Zaltzman. It's very funny (Zaltzman's comment about the "real" plasma TV cracked me up). You can stream or download here.

Kinda busy at work, so you're probably on your own the rest of the week.

There may also be formaldehyde, sawdust, and the tears of small children involved

Breaking news:

Doctors reported Saturday that Vice President Dick Cheney’s heartbeat was normal for ...

For someone who had his heart replaced with a device that pumps venom, paranoia, and bile?

... a 67-year-old man who has a history of heart problems. --The Associated Press

Oh.

Don't move--I'm about to take your picture

Some photos I took at the Metropolitan Museum of Art the other day.

Wish I could arrange these better, but uploading via Blogger always results in a bit of a mess.

Click to embiggen.

The new-fangled potato chip

This Associated Press story made me laugh out loud:

Britain's High Court has ruled that Pringles are not a potato snack, and thus are not subject to value-added tax.

Friday's ruling by Justice Nicholas Warren is expected to save millions for the manufacturer, Procter & Gamble Co.

Warren overruled a VAT Tribunal decision that Pringles should be subject to the 17.5-percent tax because it met the definition of "potato crisps, potato sticks, potato puffs and similar products made from the potato, or from potato flour, or from potato starch."

The judge found that Pringles were only 42 percent potato, and thus exempt.

P&G spokeswoman Marina Barker says the company is pleased with the ruling.

Yes, the company escaped the dread VAT tarriff, and everyone knows the chip is only loosely potato-ish. Potato-esque, if you will. Potato-reminiscent. How very pleasing!

One does wonder what the other 58% consists of, no?

Oh, and reduced blog posting for the foreseeable future.

Because nothing says "bon appetit" like clones. And war.

For the first time in the history of the “Star Wars” franchise, McDonald’s is coming along for the ride. Starting Aug. 15, the fast food chain will be offering Clone Wars Happy Meals. Each will come with a specially designed box and one of 18 exclusive toys. --The New York Times

I still treasure my Schindler's List Happy Meal toy.

What about the right to arm bears?

Huh? What about that?

(This rundown of the Supreme Court's decision is worth reading.)

The angels wanna wear my red shoes

The devil may wear Prada -- but the pope does not. According to the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, the bright red loafers that Pope Benedict XVI wears are not designed by the Milanese fashion house, as has long been rumored. ...

L'Osservatore Romano said the pope's interest in clothes has nothing to do with fashion and everything to do with liturgy -- what symbolism traditional garments can bring to the Christian liturgy.

"The pope, therefore, does not wear Prada, but Christ," L'Osservatore said. --The Associated Press (Warning: Photo may sear retinas or frighten small, Christmas-loving children.)

I was raised Catholic, so I understand the concept of transubstantiation. But I don't recall J.C. saying "Wear me."

I guess it could be worse. It could be Fox News.

There's a widescreen, flat-panel TV in my employer's lobby. The receptionist has MSNBC on the entire workday, every day.

That much cable news sounds like some sort of diabolical mind-control experiment to me.

I wouldn't sweat the thundershowers

Slam of the Day

Which might sum up “The Love Guru” in its entirety but only at the risk of grievously understating the movie’s awfulness. A whole new vocabulary seems to be required. To say that the movie is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. ... No, “The Love Guru” is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.

And this is, come to think of it, something of an achievement. What is the opposite of a belly laugh? An interesting question, in a way, and to hear lines like “I think I just made a happy wee-wee” or “I’m making diarrhea noises in my cup” or to watch apprentice gurus attack one another with urine-soaked mops is to grasp the answer. --The New York Times

Ouch.

I think Mike Myers' first Austin Powers is inspired silliness. It makes me laugh, and yes, I have the DVD. But the second AP was so unfunny I didn't even see the third.


BONUS SLAM UPDATE: From Slate's review:

There are good movies. There are bad movies. There are movies so bad they're good (though, strangely, not the reverse). And once in a while there is a movie so bad that it takes you to a place beyond good and evil and abandons you there, shivering and alone.

Boy, they're really sharpening their knives for this one.