Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The more things change, the more they, um, change


Just to depress me, WashingtonPost.com's Dan Froomkin quoted today from Pres. Clinton's final State of the Union address:
We are fortunate to be alive at this moment in history. Never before has our Nation enjoyed, at once, so much prosperity and social progress with so little internal crisis and so few external threats. Never before have we had such a blessed opportunity and, therefore, such a profound obligation to build the more perfect Union of our Founders' dreams.

We begin the new century with over 20 million new jobs; the fastest economic growth in more than 30 years; the lowest unemployment rates in 30 years; the lowest poverty rates in 20 years; the lowest African-American and Hispanic unemployment rates on record; the first back-to-back surpluses in 42 years; and next month, America will achieve the longest period of economic growth in our entire history. We have built a new economy.

And our economic revolution has been matched by a revival of the American spirit: crime down by 20 percent, to its lowest level in 25 years; teen births down 7 years in a row; adoptions up by 30 percent; welfare rolls cut in half, to their lowest levels in 30 years.

My fellow Americans, the state of our Union is the strongest it has ever been.


That was given in January 2000. Seems like a million years ago, doesn't it?

(I ran this once before, in 2006, but when I read it in Froomkin's column, I thought it was worth repeating. You can read all of the State of the Union addresses here .)

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Leave it to California--it's just so progressive


From a badly worded news story on my magazine's site:
As more states like California implement hands-free driving laws, ...

It would be really cool if you could, say, just think yourself to work.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Quotation of the day


In Raleigh, executives at RBC Bank canceled the parachuters that were supposed to appear at the grand opening of its new headquarters, saying it was not an appropriate time to have people jumping off a bank building. --The New York Times

Yes, children, once--just a few short weeks ago--there was a time when hiring people to jump off your bank was entirely appropriate business behavior.

Good times.

Friday, October 03, 2008

VP debate by the numbers


Number of times Sarah Palin used the word "maverick" to refer to either herself or John McCain: Six

Number of times Sarah Palin used the phrase "I believe cavemen and dinosaurs romped together in peace 6,000 years ago": Zero

Three questions I'd like to ask "undecided" voters


--What's wrong with you?
--Seriously, what the hell?
--Really? Really???

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Product review you won't be reading on The Velvet Blog


This pitch was in my in-box this morning:

Hello,

I'm the webmaster of [redacted].

I wanted to know if by any chance you would be interested in doing an unbiased review of our site [redacted] on your blog.

If you agree you can choose between receiving a product sample or receiving a payment.

Cool! I can take this blog in a whole different direction! Reports on products that wise consumers need to know about!
If you choose the product sample instead of the payment the sample is yours to keep and you don't need to send it back.

Oh, I'm sure anything you send will be just fine. I love to get free stuff!
The product sample that you can get is [redacted] - a penis enhancer and you can see it there:[redacted]

Please let me know if you are interested.

Thank you

Well, at least they're polite.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Overheard in my eye doctor's office, 11:30 a.m.: A one-act documentary play



Characters:

The office manager -- Male, 50s.

The 20-something office assistant -- Female, 20-something.

Me -- Me.


The play:

Office manager: Did you hear? Paul Newman died.

20-something office assistant: Paul Newman ... was he in the Beatles?

Me: [Stunned silence]

THE END.


(P.S.: I need new glasses.)

(P.P.S: I should point out that we walked her through some of Newman's biggest titles, and none of them rang a bell -- or, at least, she hadn't seen them. She was, however, familiar with his salad dressing.)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

An arsenal of flavor, if you will


A concerned TVB reader passes along this disturbing promotional copy for Wrigley gum:
Bite into a Strawberry Gush Glop and a sudden burst of liquid strawberry flavor gushes into your mouth from all directions. Drench your mouth with butt-loads of intense strawberry flavor.

That can't be hygienic, can it? (Wait ... could this just be a really dumb mistake for "boatloads"??? I did, in fact, know someone who thought that the phrase "nip it in the bud" was "nip it in the butt." Really.)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Guess the real Yahoo headline


--Lions offer advice to antelope
--Bill Clinton offers advice to Todd Palin
--Cheddar cheese offers advice to mice

Monday, September 22, 2008

Boy, this bailout thing is really getting out of hand


Now I'm hearing the federal goverment is taking over Morgan Freeman.

Thank you! I'll be appearing nightly through the weekend. Drive home safely, and don't forget to tip your waitress.

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money


It's a few months old, but the This American Life episode "The Giant Pool of Money" is still well worth listening to. It explains how the housing/mortgage crisis came about, and how that caused the turbulence on Wall Street we're now weathering. And puts it all in understandable, if mind-boggling, terms. The free podcast download is long gone, but you can either stream it or read a transcript for free, or download it for around a buck.