If only I could monetize this

It's kind of weird how credit works on the Internet. There's a story over at the AV Club about how the Coen brothers are indifferent to the highly acclaimed Fargo TV show, based on their film. The interview originally appeared in Radio Times, which is noted, but IndieWire gets the "via" link and credit. However, when you go to IndieWire, the Exclaim site gets a "via" link. And when you go to the Exclaim story, NME gets a "via" link. Finally, NME links only to the original Radio Times story. So the AV Club story is four steps away from the original story and everything in between is just a summary with absolutely nothing new to add.

So, to further this information journey, I'm going to link to the AV Club. If you pass on this information, though, remember to credit me.

The Two Faces of Dr. Lao

I have a post at the Daily Grindhouse site on George Pal's 1964 fantasy film, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, and its source novel, Charles Finney's The Circus of Dr. Lao. Hey, why don't you click on over and maybe leave a comment or something? Thanks!

The 'Cast Next Door

Hm. How do I explain this?

There's a podcast that, just for poops and giggles, dissects the Jennifer Lopez thriller The Boy Next Door in a minute-by-minute format. Thrills! Chills! Laughs! And I'm on the episode that got posted yesterday, so go listen, OK? A second episode goes up on Sunday, and I'll post a link then.

And now, back to my crypt.

UPDATE: The second podcast is here.

I hope Johnny Depp plays the dental implant in the inevitable movie version

Part of a very occasional series in which we improve odd descriptions of vanity press books advertised in The New York Times Book Review by adding the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue" at the end of them. Why? Because we just want to help. Also, because Gawker is muscling in on my territory and UP WITH THAT I WILL NOT PUT, so The Velvet Blog claws its way out of its burial chamber once again. Ad copy verbatim (except for the high jinks) from the Oct. 4, 2015, issue. Consider all text (sic):

Producing 20 books and 36 patents in the field of Oral Implantology, [name redacted] has established himself as the father of Modern Implant Dentistry. My Life, Times, and Legacy accounts his lifelong commitment and pursuit for excellence, inspiration, and success. Wacky high jinks ensue.

After going through four vivid and lucid dreams where she came face-to-face with Christ and God, [name redacted], Ph.D. learned that by "being love" and living them from the heart, we essentially create heaven on earth. Join her in her journey! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Meet Mad Addie. Lovers find her special; in fact awesome. She gets the best of men; she's clear headed and maintains control of intimate situations. Men who think they've conquered, in the end are themselves conquered. And they love it! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Is that wacky enough for you, Gawker? WELL, IS IT?

Oh, and a repeat of my disclaimer, since it's been a while: It's worth restating that there is nothing wrong with going the for-pay publishing route if you know exactly what you're getting into. But many of the companies with this model are quite scummy, and take advantage of the delusional. I don't care how many ads you take out in the Times, no one is going to buy your book about the previously unknown 13th zodiac sign.

And now The Velvet Blog now returns to its well-appointed mausoleum.

This coffe is bad.

There's a joke-writing bot that just spits this shit out, I guess?

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Josh Boucher (@OneOfTheJoshes) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Samantha Ivey (@IActuallyAmSam) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Amanda Vick (@CitizenAmanda) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Alexandra Rourke (@SoTweetedAlex) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Jason Grammer (@JasonUnmasked) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Victoria Mitchener (@VeniVidiVickie) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Aimee Landrum (@AimeeOfcourse) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Ethan Brenner (@LethalBrenner) July 10, 2015

When the coffe's bad, I talk myself into thinking it's because it's got double the caffeine.

— Lily Duarte (@LilyCantMiss) July 10, 2015

Good times.

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Valerie Nichols (@ThatsValsTweet) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Andi W (@AndithingGoes) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Victoria Mitchener (@VeniVidiVickie) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Alexandra Rourke (@SoTweetedAlex) July 15, 2015

Remember when you could dramatically slam your flip phone closed to end a conversation? Good times.

— Samantha Ivey (@IActuallyAmSam) July 15, 2015

I really don't get Twitter. Note that all of these uses of the identically worded joke were posted at the exact same time.

(Even if the wording is changed, it's still an unoriginal joke. That doesn't bother me as much--I've made hack jokes myself--but the exact same wording?)

get it together twitter

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Eric J. Rinaldi (@Eric_Rinaldi7) December 16, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Relatable Quotes (@RelatableQuote) October 21, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— what (@chanelpuke) October 23, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— no (@tbhjuststop) October 23, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) October 24, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— no. (@insuIting) November 7, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Best Pranks (@Derpey) October 4, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— done (@tbhfuckoffpls) October 22, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— babe. (@babetexts) November 4, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— can you not (@sassytbh) October 21, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— chloe (@chloeonvine) October 31, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— whatever (@girlideas) November 4, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— sorry i'm not sorry (@sorrynotsorryy) October 26, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Female Pains (@FemalePains) October 24, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Sarcasm (@OneMoreJoke) October 31, 2014

It’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat, get it together science

— Zac Galifianakis (@ZacGalifianakis) November 20, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Sincerely Tumblr (@SincerelyTumblr) October 22, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— High School Problems (@ComedyOrTruth) October 22, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat.. get it together science

— Daniel Gonzales (@dannyanimator) November 13, 2014

It’s almost 2015 & food can still make you fat…get it together science.

— Cullen (@Culligan27) October 12, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Sarcasm (@Comedypedia) October 22, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Sarcasm (@ThatsSarcasm) October 29, 2014

It’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science.

— Andrew Kantarias (@AndrewKantarias) November 8, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Menstrual Betch (@MenstruaI) October 23, 2014

It's almost 2015 and food can still make you fat. Get it together, science

— CurvyBitchProbs (@CurvyBitchProbs) November 4, 2014

it’s almost 2015 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— REGINA GEORGE (@ReginaGTweets) November 30, 2014

it's almost 2015 and food can still make you fat ..get it together science 😒

— The Crazy Bxtch™ (@thecrazybxtch) December 26, 2014

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— CHILDHOOD RUINER (@CHlLDHOODRUINER) October 10, 2014

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Dory (@Dory) December 11, 2013

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Female Problems (@femaleproblems) December 8, 2013

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Hair (@LongHairProbss) December 4, 2013

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Laughing (@ComedyTruth) December 8, 2013

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— 50 Shades of Awkward (@OhWowThatsAwk) December 6, 2013

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Ugly People Problems (@UglyPeopIe) December 5, 2013

it’s almost 2014 and food can still make you fat get it together science

— Words (@funnyortruth) December 6, 2013

This blog post does not exist

So, those two pieces I wrote for issues 17 and 18 of the Cashiers du Cinemart zine have been posted online. My piece on the terrible movie After Last Season is here, and my article on how Michael Powell adapted the novel They're a Weird Mob is here.

And you imagined this blog post. Spooky, huh?

Or, "cream plectrums" could be an unfortunate medical condition

Some random person followed me on Twitter this afternoon. She has 12,000 followers, but when you look at their names, you can tell they're mostly bots, with names formed in a game of Twitter Mad Libs.

But, oddly, most sound like they could be band names for specific niches. Below, a partial list, followed by suggested genre:

criticize_lymph: Shoegaze.

vacuum_afterglo: New age.

ideal_corpuscl: Heavy metal cover band from Eastern Europe.

Indian_bamboozl: Fake world music.

liver_looter: Bar band.

reject_blouse: Riot grrrrl.

conclusion_clam: High school garage band.

breath_garbolog: EDM.

baby_coincident: Wiggles-esque kids' music

cream_plectrums: Prog.

sun_sidesaddles: '60s pop revivalists.

lung_lobbed: Pop-punk.

global_carousel: Wedding band.

promote_colds: Weekend band formed by pharmaceutical sales reps.

helpful_napalmi: Death metal.

chronic_pulveri: More death metal.

danger_airlifts: Barber shop quartet that performs death metal on Air Force bases.

No, I still have not resumed blogging. This is a figment of your imagination.

Close the door lightly when you go

I hereby propose a moratorium on use of "slams" in headlines. Also, synonyms for "slams." But, really, mostly "slams."

All of these headlines were posted to Google News within a time frame of a few hours (I swear):

Jennette McCurdy slams Nickelodeon, but network says 'Sam & Cat' Season 2 is a go

Anthony Bourdain slams Nigella Lawson's U.S. travel ban

Cris Carter slams Eagles with hypocritical tweet in support of DeSean Jackson

Ex-auditor-general Fraser slams elections bill as attack on democracy

Franken slams Supreme Court decision on campaign contribution

Nancy Pelosi Slams Supreme Court's McCutcheon Ruling

Carter Slams Religion and Men for Degrading Women

Pro-Cochran group slams 'hypocrite' opponent

GOP slams Huether in mailers sent to Sioux Falls residents

Independent Schools Victoria slams Gonski education funding model

Court Slams Japan's Scientific Whaling

Radio host slams baseball player for taking paternity leave

Russia slams 'Hitler comparison'

Wayne Rooney Slams Diving Allegations

Amnesty International slams Greek police for 'culture of abuse'

Kimmel slams Ford after mistaken council vote

Greenpeace slams Amazon & Twitter

Judo chief slams Olympic suggestion

Arvind Kejriwal slams Narendra Modi's fast in air-conditioned tents as 'drama'

Bertinelli slams fat-shaming women

Pro-Israel group slams GOP lawmaker Walter Jones

White House Slams Ortiz, Samsung

Drinkable-food developer slams farms, so he gets a little slam back

WHO says Guinea Ebola outbreak small as MSF slams international response

Chess great Kasparov slams Putin's Crimea 'aggression'

Group backed by billionaire Koch brothers slams another billionaire

Canadian Dad Slams Justin Bieber For Acting Like 'A Prick'

This is the only use of slam I'm going to allow:

Car Slams Into Middletown Liquor Store

Though, seriously, Bieber does sound like a prick.



Editor's note: This posting does not disprove earlier posting that this blog is dead. It really is.

Hello? Is this thing on?

Sorry I didn't officially say "This blog is dead." But this blog is dead.

You can look for me on Twitter or Facebook.

But now that I have your attention:

I have a piece on Michael Powell's little-seen (in the U.S., anyway) They're a Weird Mob in the new issue of Cashiers du Cinemart. As far as I know, the film never been released here, but it is on YouTube (part one here and part two here).

Powell is my favorite director, and when I was asked to submit something to CdC #18, I knew wanted to write about him. But when I looked around, I found pretty much all of my favorites (including A Matter of Life and Death and I Know Where I'm Going!) had been analyzed to death and I didn't have much to add. But no one has written about They're a Weird Mob, that I could find. Sadly, the reason is: It's pretty bad. Nevertheless, Powell enthusiasts (and The Velvet Blog enthusiasts, if there are any) might be interested.

Also in the issue: Articles on the Johnny Rotten-starring Corrupt, the "tender side of Ulli Lommel," Harry Crews, Kubrick's The Killing, and the world's first porno-horror-comedy, Thundercrack! So it makes a great Easter gift.

There's a hard copy version available here, and a Kindle version available here.