Return to the valley of nonapologies

There are nonapology apologies, and then there are just plain old nonapologies. This is the latter:

[GOP gubernatorial candidate Rex] Rammell made the comment Tuesday at a Republican barbecue in Twin Falls during talk about Idaho selling its first $11.50 hunting tags for wolves this fall. Someone shouted "Obama tags," and Rammell said, "The Obama tags? We'd buy some of those."

On Friday, he said in a news release and on Twitter: "Anyone who understands the law, knows I was just joking, because Idaho has no jurisdiction to issue hunting tags in Washington, D.C." --IdahoStatesman.com

Coincidentally, Rex Rammell is my porn name.

Great. Now I have to change it. Thanks loads, douchebag.

(Note: At least other top Idaho Republicans are condemning the remark, and Rammell is seen as a quote-unquote fringe candidate.)

Repeat: We did NOT use griffins

Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

Random 10 with selected lyrics

Nilsson, "Living Without You," Nilsson Sings Newman: Milk truck hauls the sun up/And the paper hits my door/The subway shakes my floor/And I think about you

Thomas Dolby, "She Blinded Me With Science," Retrospectacle: Good heavens, Miss Sakamoto -- you're beautiful!

Rilo Kiley, "More Adventurous," More Adventurous: And it's only doubts that we're counting/On fingers broken long ago/I read with every broken heart we should become/More adventurous

Richard X. Heyman, "Cornerstone," Cornerstone

Jane Siberry, "Waitress," No Borders Here: And I'd probably be famous now/If I wasn't such a good waitress

Marshall Crenshaw, "You're My Favorite Waste of Time," This Is Easy

Death Cab for Cute, "Your Heart Is an Empty Room," Plans

Nick Lowe, "All Men Are Liars," Party of One: Do you remember Rick Astley?/He had a big fat hit/It was ghastly

Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, "Perfect Skin," Rattlesnakes: Shame on you/You've got no sense of grace/Shame on me/Ah, just in case

Serge Gainsbourg, "L'Hotel Particulier," Histoire de Melody Nelson

Correction of the day

Trust me, magazines and newspapers do NOT like to print corrections. Whenever we have to print one, there's much discussion and we always try to figure out what went wrong.

I, for one, would love to hear how this choice error happened. (The theory of the person who comments at bottom of page sounds very plausible. But really ... how did someone not check this?)

If sock monkeys were hypnotists

Look into my eyes. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy ... Your eyelids are getting heavy, so heavy you cannot keep your eyes open. You try to get up from your chair, but you can't. You feel heavy, heavy, as if you can't move, like you just ate combo meal #5 at Taco Bell.

You are under my control. You will do anything I say.

Now, give me that banana.



Note: A rerun of the first sock monkey post, from January 2006.

Breaking news

Science ponders 'zombie attack'

If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.

Um ... did we not already learn the many lessons of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?

That is the conclusion of a mathematical exercise carried out by researchers in Canada.

They say only frequent counter-attacks with increasing force would eradicate the fictional creatures.

One would think it would be easy to eradicate fictional creatures. One would be wrong.

The scientific paper is published in a book - Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress. ...

In some respects, a zombie "plague" resembles a lethal, rapidly spreading infection. The researchers say the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations.

In their study, the researchers from the University of Ottawa and Carleton University (also in Ottawa) posed a question: If there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?

Perhaps the crossover Glenn Beck audience?

Professor Robert Smith? (the question mark is part of his surname and not a typographical mistake) and colleagues wrote: "We model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies.

"We introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions." ... --BBC

Most annoying name since Jenny 8 del Corte Hirschfeld.

Click on the BBC link and read the rest, and do read the comments on this Freakonomics blog post on the topic.

They start like this:

Sadly the study uses a flawed model. It doesn't distinguish between dead humans and dead zombies, so previously decapitated zombies count as being able to (re-)reanimate.

... and go on from there.

Yet another reason why the Internet was invented

Have you ever looked at your vacation photos and said to yourself, "Boy, these would look so much better with a squirrel in the frame"?

Me, too! Now we can do something about it, using the Squirrelizer.

Here's a picture I took in Prague and posted years ago, much improved.

(Back story is here.)

Quotation of the day

"Why do you continue to support a Nazi policy?" asked Rachel Brown, 28, of Boston, referring to end-of-life counseling sessions, dubbed "death panels," mentioned in a provision of the House’s health care reform legislation.

"Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table," [Rep. Barney] Frank lashed back at Brown as she held a picture of Obama defaced with a Hitler moustache. --Boston Herald

I, on the other hand, prefer to work far, far beyond my level of competence

Oh, New York Times Style Magazine, thank you so much for this:

For those who run with the wolves, Bob Basset ... has created a dazzling prototype. In addition to their conspicuous claws, his "leather paw shoes" have foot pads on the underside ... so users can feel lycanthropic to their very soles. Basset's Web site, bobbasset.com, shows lace-up, claw-bearing mittens, too. But it's his skill ... that spirits his footwear out of fantasy and into fashion. "I like to work on the edge of competence," he says, "to realize complicated ideas."

And they're $1,000. (Really.)

Never too early to start your Christmas shopping.

Ways I celebrated the anniversary of Woodstock this weekend

--Rolled around in mud
--Listened to my Sha Na Na LPs
--Hopped over fence into backyard without paying
--Installed Porta-Potty and then peed into bushes
--Resolved to mention my attendance at Woodstock in every conversation for next 40 years

Recent Google searches that have left visitors stranded on The Velvet Blog

--fannie flagg topless
--what you need for a trip to the moon
--metaphors and similes for orgasm
--orb that electrocutes you
--yogurt poop
--printers in basements
--this is the universe. big, isn't it?
--what's wrong with karl rove
--who buys malkin's book

UPDATE: monkeys frighten me

Well, you're in the wrong place, mister.