The nonapology apology is dead--long live the nonapology nonapology!

The Velvet Blog has been following the nonapology apology trend--that is, wishy-washy attempts at sounding like you're apologizing when you really aren't--in public discourse for a while now. But I'm here to declare that those days are over. Now, being a totally unapologetic asshat is all the rage.

Let's start with a master: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. The unholy combination of Rupert Murdoch, Hugh Hefner, and an unneutered feral tomcat made headlines recently (well, in the only two Italian news outlets he doesn't own, apparently) after it came to light that he had sprung from police custody a 17-year-old Moroccan runaway who previously had spent time at his villa.

From the AP report:

"I've got nothing to clarify," Mr. Berlusconi said Friday. "I'm a playful person, full of life. I love life, I love women. ... Nobody can make me, at my age, change my lifestyle, of which I am absolutely proud."

Forget even a weasely, Clintonian "It depends on what your definition of 'is' is" for this guy. (I hope, by the way, that there's no truth to the rumor he'll be starring in a Jersey Shore: The Geriatric Years spin-off soon.)

A Rand Paul volunteer shows how the new nonapology nonapology is done on these shores--but, I have to say, with a lot less verve and a lot more self-pity. Last week, Tim Profitt stomped the head of a MoveOn activist outside a Paul appearance. After being identified, Profitt had this to say:

I don't think it's that big of a deal. I would like for her to apologize to me, to be honest with you.

That would have been a perfect nonapology nonapology if only he had stopped there.

But he didn't:

I put my foot on her, and I did push her down at the very end, and I told her to stay down. I actually put my foot on her to--I couldn't bend over because I have issues with my back.

Oooo, and there we just have serious overreach. Being a violent, unrepentant douchebag is one thing, but asking for sympathy, too? Serious miscalculation.

So, there you have it--two recent, inarguable examples showing that nonapology apologies are out and nonapology nonapologies are in. All we need is one more, and this will be picked up as a New York Times trend piece in the Sunday Styles section.

Sorry, I can't shake the feeling you're insincere--also, you sound like a peevish tween

Longtime readers of The Velvet Blog (ha! ha! also: ha!) may remember a series of posts on the "nonapology apology"--that is, when public shamings prod violators of the social code to to say "I'm sorry" even though they don't mean it in the least. This never goes well. The insincerity of a nonapology apology is always apparent, and you're probably best shutting up rather than apologizing without meaning it.

But there's a flip side to the nonapology apology, one that has become annoyingly popular lately, and that is: starting a headline with "Sorry" when the intent is not to express sympathy or apology but, rather, to say something closer to "you're a poopyhead." I haven't seen a description of this elsewhere yet, so I'm going to go ahead and call this the poopyhead apology.

This has been on my radar for a while now, but it seems to have recently reached critical mass.

What inspired this particular post is a story on the Forbes site. Recently, some websites (I believe the first writer was Alex Kotch over at The National Memo) have noticed that the Koch brothers--right-wing industrialists who are big into funding conservative issues--are pushing a high school curriculum that includes sentiments like this one:

Corporations routinely sacrifice the lives of some of their customers to increase profits, and we are all better off because they do. That’s right, we are lucky to live in an economy that allows corporations to increase profits by intentionally selling products less safe than could be produced. The desirability of sacrificing lives for profits may not be as comforting as milk, cookies and a bedtime story, but it follows directly from a reality we cannot wish away.

Pretty callous, right? But just right for Randian Studies 101, I guess.

The quote (and others like it) became the subject for much jeering from liberal-leaning writers, such as Esquire's Charles Pierce, as well as clickbait-leaning websites, including Salon.

Forbes clickbaited back, with a story that features this headline: "Sorry, Salon: The Koch Brothers Are Actually Right." As you can imagine, the Forbes writer, one Tim Worstall ("I have opinions about economics, finance and public policy" appears to be his slogan, and yeah, Tim, I'm sure you do), thinks Salon is wildly off base and he does not appear to be the least bit sorry if a few kids get, I dunno, exploded by Pop Rocks or something.

So I decided to go off to the wilds of Google News to see just how popular this particular locution has become in headlines, and the answer is: way too goddamned popular. These are the incomplete results, and I'll say in advance that Salon is a repeat offender, but, by far, the worst is The Washington Post (and note that these results come only from May):

Sorry, There's Nothing Magical About Breakfast
Sorry, but We're About to Ruin Diet Soda for You
Sorry, but it looks like the West's once-great future is all behind us
Sorry, Paul Ryan. Donald Trump is now 'Mr. Republican.' 
Sorry, Bernie: I love you, but this is over — and getting embarrassing
Sorry Eric Decker, Tom Brady's suspension doesn't mean the AFC East is 'up for grabs'*
Sorry Google, we just don't want to be friends with you*
Sorry, Donald Trump. Trade policy won’t help you win Sanders voters.**
Sorry, liberals. Elizabeth Warren isn’t going to be Hillary Clinton’s running mate.**
Sorry, Bernie fans. His health care plan is short $17,000,000,000,000.**
Sorry, but that fake pundit isn’t more accurate than Nate Silver**
Sorry, Republicans. There’s no escaping Donald Trump.**

Are there more in the May time frame? Oh, GOD, yes, but if I copy and post any more I fear I may lose my mind.

I know the temptation, headline writers. I've written many a headline in my day, and sometimes it's easy to fall back on some comfortable phrase. But it's really time to retire this one.

*These two also lack the comma of direct address. That's pretty basic grammar stuff, and seeing it missing in headlines gives me a headache.

**All of these are from The Washington Post!

P.S.: I'm tempted to blame this. (I did not remember that Charlie was such a stereotype of a tough guy. He seems awfully unconcerned that his sister is now a widow, though, which is not cool.)

How not to apologize (now with extra added updates!)

Let me correct The Associated Press here:

Republican U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning apologized Monday to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg for saying he believes she could die within a year from pancreatic cancer. ...

Bunning, a Hall-of-Fame major league pitcher, who has no medical background, said during a speech Saturday that Ginsburg has "bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," the Courier-Journal of Louisville reported. "Even though she was operated on, usually, nine months is the longest that anybody would live" with pancreatic cancer.

"I apologize if my comments offended Justice Ginsberg," the two-term Kentucky junior senator said Monday in a statement, which misspelled Ginsburg's name. "That certainly was not my intent." --The Associated Press

Sigh.

Nope. That's what I call a "nonapology apology." Any statement with the phrase "if my comments offended" is in no way, shape, or form an apology. It is a half-assed, weaselly way of pretending to say you're sorry when a) you're not and b) you don't really want to apologize.

You can't apologize for what someone else feels -- offended -- you can only apolgize for what you did or said. (You will now notice this phenomenon in about 95% of all public "apologies.")

AP, you're going to have to rewrite your lede. (I do, however, give you points for the "has no medical background" line. That was good.)

UPDATE: Another nonapology apology in the news:

Report: Bishop who had denied Holocaust apologizes

... While [Bishop Richard] Williamson apologized in a statement Thursday to all those who took offense and for the distress he caused, the bishop did not specifically say that his comments were erroneous, or that he no longer believed them. As a result, Jewish leaders said the apology did not go far enough.

UPDATE UPDATE:

Mayor sent e-mail with watermelons at White House

LOS ALAMITOS, Calif.—The mayor of Los Alamitos is coming under fire for an e-mail he sent out that depicts the White House lawn planted with watermelons, under the title "No Easter egg hunt this year."

Local businesswoman and city volunteer Keyanus Price, who is black, said Tuesday she received the e-mail from Mayor Dean Grose's personal account on Sunday and wants a public apology. ...

Grose confirmed to the AP that he sent the e-mail to Price and said he didn't mean to offend her. He said he was unaware of the racial stereotype that black people like watermelons. ...

"Bottom line is, we laugh at things and I didn't see this in the same light that she did," Grose told the AP. "I'm sorry. It wasn't sent to offend her personally—or anyone—from the standpoint of the African-American race."

Unaware of the stereotype? Reeeeally? Would you have been amused by and sent around an image of the White House lawn filled with, say, eggplants? Brussels sprouts? If not -- and, really, I'm going to go ahead and assume not -- why did you find watermelons funny?

I guess it's just a mystery.

The image the mayor sent around is here. And may I say: Holy shit!

Return to the Valley of the Nonapology Apologies

So, the rapture didn't happen. Surely Harold Camping, who predicted it, is sorry for predicting the apocalyptic kerfuffle, causing people to run up debt they assumed they wouldn't have to pay, not saving for their kids' college tuition, spending all of their money on ads, and, um, attempting to kill their kids, right?

"If people want me to apologize, I can apologize yes," he told reporters after his speech. "I'm not a genius."

The preacher also added that while so many of his followers donated money--in some cases everything they owned--to his ministry in belief that the world would end last Saturday, they won't get it back.

"Why would we return it?" Camping said, arguing that the world is still going to end in October. --Daily News

Well, "not a genius" is a start.

Return to the valley of nonapologies

There are nonapology apologies, and then there are just plain old nonapologies. This is the latter:

[GOP gubernatorial candidate Rex] Rammell made the comment Tuesday at a Republican barbecue in Twin Falls during talk about Idaho selling its first $11.50 hunting tags for wolves this fall. Someone shouted "Obama tags," and Rammell said, "The Obama tags? We'd buy some of those."

On Friday, he said in a news release and on Twitter: "Anyone who understands the law, knows I was just joking, because Idaho has no jurisdiction to issue hunting tags in Washington, D.C." --IdahoStatesman.com

Coincidentally, Rex Rammell is my porn name.

Great. Now I have to change it. Thanks loads, douchebag.

(Note: At least other top Idaho Republicans are condemning the remark, and Rammell is seen as a quote-unquote fringe candidate.)

News story of the day

Oh, it's a terrible thing to make jokes when there's a dead guy involved. Terrible. But ... but ... Oh, I give up.

Is this not THE most amazing opening sentence of a news story you've ever read in your entire life?

CHARDON, Ohio – A transgender woman was sentenced Friday to four years in prison for killing her frail husband by forcing him to exercise.

I mean, this story has everything! Sex! Money (she did it for the insurance)! Murder by exercise! Celebrities (er, sort of)! Even the dateline is suggestive!

The details are what make this so perfect:

Chris Mason, 41, was sentenced in Geauga County Common Pleas Court for reckless homicide in the death of 73-year-old James Mason. She pleaded guilty earlier and could have gotten five years in prison.

Mason's voice quivered as she tearfully apologized for the June death of her husband, who had heart problems. A surveillance camera caught Mason forcing her husband around in the pool.

Chris Mason also goes by Christine Newton-John, the name she took after her 1993 sex change.

"I want to apologize to my former husband's half-sister for her loss as well as to my family and for my loss," she said in court in an emotional tone. "It's been very upsetting and devastating for our entire family."

Hey, hold on a minute ... did she just apologize to herself for her loss? Man, that's the most amazing nonapology apology I've ever seen! (Your Honor, I throw myself on the mercy of the court. After all, I am a widow.)

Oh, and for the record: The Velvet Blog predicts this story will form the basis of the plot of Law & Order's season finale, starring Drew Carey as Christine Newton-John and Abe Vigoda as James Mason.


NOTE: The AP story was completely rewritten around the time I posted this, so my quotations don't match up to the version in the link.

Might as well face it--you're addicted to plagiarism

As noted a few posts ago, first-time novelist Quentin Rowan was caught plagiarizing 15-ish (the number keeps growing every time I read about what happened) spy novels to concoct a cut-and-paste novel of his own (or, as I guess I should put it, his "own"). His explanation of what happened has changed from that he "didn't feel capable" of handling requested revisions (scroll down to comments) to, now, his addiction made him do it. It's one of the weirdest nonapology apologies I've ever read.

Nonapology apology update

“However, I realize that my words may have been misunderstood.” --Greg Gutfield, asshat