News story of the day

Oh, it's a terrible thing to make jokes when there's a dead guy involved. Terrible. But ... but ... Oh, I give up.

Is this not THE most amazing opening sentence of a news story you've ever read in your entire life?

CHARDON, Ohio – A transgender woman was sentenced Friday to four years in prison for killing her frail husband by forcing him to exercise.

I mean, this story has everything! Sex! Money (she did it for the insurance)! Murder by exercise! Celebrities (er, sort of)! Even the dateline is suggestive!

The details are what make this so perfect:

Chris Mason, 41, was sentenced in Geauga County Common Pleas Court for reckless homicide in the death of 73-year-old James Mason. She pleaded guilty earlier and could have gotten five years in prison.

Mason's voice quivered as she tearfully apologized for the June death of her husband, who had heart problems. A surveillance camera caught Mason forcing her husband around in the pool.

Chris Mason also goes by Christine Newton-John, the name she took after her 1993 sex change.

"I want to apologize to my former husband's half-sister for her loss as well as to my family and for my loss," she said in court in an emotional tone. "It's been very upsetting and devastating for our entire family."

Hey, hold on a minute ... did she just apologize to herself for her loss? Man, that's the most amazing nonapology apology I've ever seen! (Your Honor, I throw myself on the mercy of the court. After all, I am a widow.)

Oh, and for the record: The Velvet Blog predicts this story will form the basis of the plot of Law & Order's season finale, starring Drew Carey as Christine Newton-John and Abe Vigoda as James Mason.


NOTE: The AP story was completely rewritten around the time I posted this, so my quotations don't match up to the version in the link.