Monday, March 09, 2009

At least, I think that's why they sat in my lap

The Onion AV Club has an amusing article on bad moviegoing experiences.

Here are a few of mine:

--Went to see a Russian kitchen-sink drama (I forget the name), and there was a guy sitting near me who READ ALL OF THE SUBTITLES OUT LOUD to his companion. Yes, the entire way through the movie. I assume his friend was either blind or couldn't read English. Perhaps seeing something that wasn't subtitled might have been a good idea.

--During a showing of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, there were three teens behind me who found everything about the movie absolutely hilarious. By midway through the film, I had a pounding headache. At that point, I turned around and screamed--yes, screamed like a crazy person--"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!?!" And they did, no doubt assuming that I'd kill them if they didn't. But the movie was ruined at that point.

--Then there was the fellow who sat near me during a showing of Crimes and Misdemeanors and thought it was Woody Allen's funniest comedy ever. He laughed nonstop. (In case you missed this one, it's one of Woody's darkest dramas.)

--OK, this was completely my fault. I went to see Dangerous Liaisons under the mistaken impression that it was short--say, 90 minutes. Not sure where I got that idea. I got to the theater pretty early and sat in the middle of the auditorium. Then the seats filled up, and I had no easy exit. And I drank a large Coke. By an hour and a quarter in, I was dying because I had to pee so desperately. But I figured that the movie was over soon, and I didn't want to climb over the 20 little old ladies who flanked me on either side. 90 minutes passed. 100. 110. (Ohmygod!! Why won't this stupid movie end?!) Finally, at the two-hour mark, I dashed from the theater with only minor kidney damage.

--I saw My Beautiful Laundrette in a small theater with absolutely no lighting along its walls. (You may not notice, but there are usually small lights either along the walls or along the aisle.) The auditorium was pitch dark, and it's not exactly a brightly lit movie. So, at two points during the film, latecomers stumbled down the aisle ... and sat in my lap.

--I went to see Transylvania 6-5000. That's it--I went to Transylvania 6-5000.

Please share yours in comments.


Dave said...

Netflix. Stop and start again tomorrow (or put back in the envelope for the last movie you mention. Pause, answer nature's call and resume.

God Is My Codependent said...

A friend of mine talked me into going to see Independence Day on the day of its release. We stood on line for tickets and got in to the late show, starting at 11:00 or 11:30, something like that. The theater was packed. My friend is pretty chatty and was talking to everyone. In fact, it was a pretty chatty audience (we were in Queens, which always seems to have chatty audiences), and there was general hubbub through the movie. Toward the end, a commotion developed a little ways over to our left. It started getting distracting, then downright loud. Someone yelled over for them to be quiet and a guy bellowed back, "Will you shut up! There's a guy dyin' over here!" Then the lights went up and the movie went off, the doors opened and the theater staff came in. People got up and went over to see what was happening, everyone was buzzing and walking around. Finally, paramedics came in and someone was carried out on a stretcher.

And then, instantly, the lights went off and the movie came back on. It's 1:00 in the morning, the aliens are attacking earth, the hero is flying around in his plane, and everyone in the theater is running around in the dark trying to find their seats.

You just gotta love it when the audience is more interesting than the movie.

Gina said...

During a particularly climactic moment in Breaking the Waves, my date leaned over and loudly asked, "Do you want more popcorn"?

TwoBusy said...

On the plus side, it's easily one of the two or three best Goldblum/Begley Jr. buddy films.

ChefNick said...

I would personally like to see the author/s of My Beautiful Laundrette lined up against a wall and shot in a particularly brutal fashion. Bill the family for the bullets, please.

Oh, forgot Room With a View and The Name of the Rose. Let's just line 'em all up and I'll even provide the bullets -- on the house this one time only.

That is my comment.

ChefNick said...

I know, I know, I know . . . "But how do you REALLY feel?"

Jim Donahue said...

"A Room With a View"???? Um, I kind of love that movie.

Mark H said...

During a suspenseful moment of "What Lies Beneath", with the whole theater dead quite, a cell phone goes off in the middle of the center aisle. A bunch of people start yelling and then the phone goes quite. We're thinking he turned it off so it gets quite again and then we hear a very loud "Hello". Yelling starts up again so the guy says "hang on, I'm at a movie... I said HANG ON I'm in a MOVIE." and walks up the aisle and out the back.

A few minutes later he walks back down toward his seat and the phone goes off again. He turns around and walks to the back of the cinema, holds the doors open (light streams in) and has a full conversation.

I thought he was going to get lynched when he went back to his seat the second time.

Mark H said...

that would be "quiet". Both times.

Qaro said...

Good topic.

GodIsMyCoodependent, wow what a story!

My dad took us to see Alien the week after it opened. I was too scared after a certain scene so we took a break to hit the concession stand. The popcorn lady said she agreed it was scary. The night before, the scene with the alien jumping out of the guy's chest had sent a pregnant woman into labor.

ChefNick said...

Jeez Louise, Jim, of COURSE you love that movie! So did 20 million others on this planet!

I, on the other hand, liked Total Recall. Sorry.


PS Brigitte HATES the Governator. So my due dues are due, dude.

Will said...

I loved Room With a View and Total Recall but not as a double bill.