Part of an occasional series in which we improve depressing or odd descriptions of vanity press books advertised in The New York Times Book Review by appending the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue." All ad copy verbatim (except for the high jinks) from the May 24 issue:
Controlling Your Future. Life is unfair, the economy is out of control, and disaster can strike at any time. ... Wacky high jinks ensue.
Majestic Restoration: Taste of Hell, Glimpse of Heaven. In his stunning autobiography, [the author] takes readers to Heaven and Hell and back as he relives his near-death experiences. Follow him to the ultimate mental and spiritual brink and experience his wonder and terror. Wacky high jinks ensue.
The White Lion. Narrated by Xenu, the grandson of Mars and the great-grandson of Uranus, this devil slayer takes readers on his journey of rape, murder, and pillage as he defends the Earth's inhabitants from nuclear war and complete destruction. Wacky high jinks ensue.
The Adventures of Marshal Gabby Tucker. This exciting Western follows the Tucker family as they search for their kidnapped son, Lefty. The large family joins forces with local Native Americans to find the group of lost boys. Full of humor and adventure, you'll find yourself glued to the last page. Wacky high jinks ensue.
According to the rules of grammar, this last one suggests that you are full of humor and adventure. But it's good to have a sense of humor when you find yourself glued to the last page of a book. Obviously, you've been drinking and reading while situated near an open pot of Gorilla Glue (the only brand of adhesive used by The Velvet Blog). With any luck, someone has recorded this, and you will soon find yourself a YouTube star.