Ladies and gentlemen, I've been attending these dinners for years and just quietly sitting there. Well, I've got a few things I want to say for a change.
This is going to be fun because he really doesn't have a clue about what I'm gonna' [sic, blame USA Today] to say next.
George always says he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He's usually in bed by now.
I'm not kidding.
I said to him the other day, "George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later."
I am married to the president of the United States, and here's our typical evening: Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I'm watching Desperate Housewives--with Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife. I mean, if those women on that show think they're desperate, they oughta be with George.
One night, after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendale's. I wouldn't even mention it except Ruth Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor saw us there. I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service codename is now "Dollar Bill."
But George and I are complete opposites--I'm quiet, he's talkative, I'm introverted, he's extroverted, I can pronounce nuclear--
The amazing thing, however, is that George and I were just meant to be. I was the librarian who speant [sic--blame USA Today again] 12 hours a day in the library, yet somehow I met George.
We met, and married, and I became one of the regulars up at Kennebunkport. All the Bushes love Kennebunkport, which is like Crawford, but without the nightlife. People ask me what it's like to be up there with the whole Bush clan. Lemme put it this way: First prize--three-day vacation with the Bush family. Second prize--10 days. --Laura Bush, quoted by USA Today
She'll also be at Chuckles in Des Moines on Saturday, and the Laff Factory in Secaucus on Sunday. Two-drink minimum. The second show can be a little "blue," so leave grandma at home.