Saturday, May 07, 2005

Why Jennifer Wilbanks MUST be punished

Because she ran out on the wedding? No. Because she lied to police? No. Because she monopolized the media, driving out real reporting on real subjects? No. Because she fanned racism by blaming a Latino kidnapper? No.

Then, why? BECAUSE SHE HAS COMPLETELY SPOILED THE WHOLE IDEA OF TOAST.

Recently, someone put up for sale on eBay a piece of toast with an image of the Virgin Mary on it. This, for some reason, got a lot of media attention. ("Do we cover a piece of toast, or how many people died in Iraq today? Ah, let's go with the toast.") This has spawned a cottage industry of toast sellers.

We have now reached the peak (or perhaps the nadir--I can't decide) of eBay toast auctions: After one Jennifer-Wilbanks-image-on-my-breakfast-toast auction got some media play, there are now something like 123,394,239,485,293 (rough count, plus or minus 5) pieces of toast with Wilbanks' image scraped on them being auctioned online.

Thanks loads, Jennifer. I'm switching to cereal.


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I have to say, though, I do like the one with the googly eyes.



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2 comments:

Will said...

Now that nothing has changed (isn't love grand?) and the groom-to-be will gladly take the bride-to-be (any self-worth issues here?), the really good news is that Jennifer can give every one of her 600 wedding guests a piece of toast instead of some cheesy wedding keepsake.

Ponytailed Conservative said...

My concern... suppose I pay top-dollar for a supposedly authentic Jennifer Wilbanks toast scraping, and it turns out to be just a crappy old Virgin Mary natural phenomenon/stigmata? People pass off fake toast all the time anyway. I know this for a fact. One time IHOP served me toast that I'm sure was actually part of a cardboard box, and cut into a loaf-cross-section shape.