Monday, October 10, 2005

A nation divided

Since last year's painful election, it has become obvious that there are two Americas: Those who believe there are two Americas, and those who do not. Those who believe in science, and those who believe dinosaurs walked with man as late as 1973. Those who prefer puffed Cheetos, and those who prefer crunchy. Those who believe that the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes union is a sham, and those who ... well, there are a few things that unite us, but never mind.

This schism is demonstrated in the first-ever poll at The Velvet Blog, conducted last week. A whopping six of you voted: Three agreeing to take part in the poll and three declining.

The current U.S. population is approximately 295,800,000. Using state-of-the-art software* and extrapolating the data--much like the Nielson TV ratings people do**--that means 147,900,000 Americans would, if given the chance, take part in TVB polling, and 147,900,000 would not.

The implications are staggering--as am I, because I'm under heavy sedation.

Based on these poll results, expect to see the following in the coming few years:

--Continued confusion over which type of Cheetos is better will remain, though it should be obvious to anyone with half a brain that it's the crunchy variety

--Ronald Reagan will not seek re-election as governor of California

and, most especially:

--There will be mass indifference to TVB polling.


*Actually, the calculator on my PC.

**Did you know that what stays on TV is determined by two bored housewives, one teenager, a parakeet, and a monkey? It's true--look it up.


Image hosted by Photobucket.comSuperior crunchy

Image hosted by Photobucket.comInferior puffed

13 comments:

trinamick said...

Crunchy is always superior. Except when in a fight with Cheesy Zig Zags, because then they are beaten unmercifully.

Jezzy said...

omg, we only have one type of Cheetos! We're being deprived of choice!

Mark H said...

Crunchy. When I was a kid at hockey camp I bought crunchy at a vending machine and $19 in change came pouring out. Thought I hit the lottery.

Jay Jordan said...

the election was painful?

guess i didn't notice...

Gouda said...

I miss Edwards' talk of Two Americas.

Grammarian said...

I vote for Jax.

Jim Donahue said...

Jezzy: You're more behind than you realize. There's a range of flavors, too:

http://tinyurl.com/atvbd

MsYvone said...

Actually, I dont like either inferior puffed or superior crunchy. Does that mean I'm a libertarian?

Jim Donahue said...

>>Does that mean I'm a libertarian?

Good God--I hope not.

John said...

Nuts. I missed the poll. I guess it's for the best though, since I'd probablly still be deciding whether or not I'd want to answer it.

Oh, and I hate that damn TV-picking monkey. I think Jim Belushi has himon his payroll. It's the only explination.

NYPinTA said...

Actually, I think your poll results mean that half of Americans are liars. Lower then I expected...

BTW- I'd go for cruchy Cheetos.

Asher Hunter said...

I was one of those that voted No to your poll. I am a Canadian. Not an American.

BWAHAHAHAHAH!

Jim Donahue said...

I'm going to have to revise this post--voting is not 5 to 3, with "yes" in front.

I'll be in Quebec next month, so watch your back, Canada!