Dear Subconscious:

Frankly, Subconscious, you puzzle me. I realize you have things to work out when I'm sleeping. I'm not sure why you continue to torment me with dreams about celebs I don't care about in real life. You know: Screech. Ryan Seacrest. Etc., etc. But I'm just going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure you're doing very important work, and, well, if I don't understand, I must just be a dope.

But I really need to complain about that dream you sent my way the other night. You know, the one in which former Attorney General John Ashcroft appeared on TV with the Singing Senators to perform a version of the god-awful Black Eyed Peas' hit, "My Humps." Do I need to remind you that the song contained two of George Carlin's seven words you can't say on television? (Yes, @#(%@! and ^&@#*.) And that as the dream closed, I wrote a letter of complaint about this to the Federal Communications Commission, hoping to get Ashcroft into trouble?

That's playing dirty, Subconscious. There's simply no reason for behaving this way. This sort of thing must stop.

In retaliation, I'm going to force you to watch this YouTube video of Ashcroft warbling a song of his own composition, "Let the Eagle Soar."

There--how'd you like that? I can play dirty, too.

Sincerely,
Jim