Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God! As I type these words, there's less than four hours left before the auction for the dinner -- excuse me, dinner experience -- with Sarah Palin draws to a close! Bidding is up to $60,000!!! Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God! How am I going to raise enough money to place my $60,001 bid by then?!?!?! I so would pay that much to give her a piece of mind!
Oh, wait ...
A background check for all attendees is mandatory. Failure to pass the background check will result in the winner forfeiting the experience and a refund given.
I guess membership in my high school's Che Guevara Club might be held against me?
The dinner experience with Sarah Palin will take place at a site to be determined ...
I'm torn between Chepo's Mexican Restaurant, the Peking Chinese Restaurant, or Picollino's (right next to Shop-Rite, so that's convenient). Who knew Wasilla was such a hotbed of international cuisine? There's even an IHOP!
... and at a mutually agreed upon time and date to be determined by Ms. Palin and the winning bidder. Ms Palin may bring up to three guests of her own.
Joe the Plumber (America's Plumber!), Joe Wilson (America's Congressman!), and Joe Six Pack (America's alcoholic!)?
The dinner will be paid for by the seller.
Now hold on one rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity minute. After spending $60,001 for this, I have to treat you and Joe the Plumber, Joe Wilson, and Joe Six Pack to pancakes at IHOP? (Yes, obviously, I've decided on IHOP. The "I" may stand for International, but it's still the most American.)
[Editor's note: Obviously, I wrote this quickly -- as usual -- and confused seller and bidder. I'm leaving it, though, because I so rarely have the opportunity to use the phrase "rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity."]
Winner may take personal photos and allowed [sic] to bring one item of reasonable size i.e. no larger than what can be carried by hand (t-shirts, books, magazines, etc.) The decision to sign the item will ultimately be up to Ms. Palin.
Reasonable size? Carry by hand? Crap, I'll never get her to sign Michael Moore, then.
Respect for Ms. Palin and her guest(s) is expected at all times. Inappropriate behavior will result in the conclusion of the experience with no refund.
That's Miss Palin, if you're nasty.
Dinner shall last no more than four hours, but could be less, in the sole discretion of Sarah Palin.
Note: Dinner may last four hours, but will seem like a minimum of 16.
Governor Palin reserves the right to refuse dinner with a winning bidder if, in her sole discretion, the winning bidder is not a suitable bidder based on her subjective standards of suitability, professionalism, background and other factors.
No shirt, no shoes, no service.
In the event the high bidder is rejected for this reason, the high bidder's bid will be refunded, if paid, and the next highest bidder shall be notified, and thereafter, until a suitable match is determined.
A suitable match? Hm. I'm thinking someone who's a cross between Bullwinkle and Joe McCarthy.
So, who wants to chip in on this with me? (And shipping is free!)
Hurry -- we don't have much time!
UPDATE: It went for $63,500, no thanks to you.