News story of the day

Oh, it's a terrible thing to make jokes when there's a dead guy involved. Terrible. But ... but ... Oh, I give up.

Is this not THE most amazing opening sentence of a news story you've ever read in your entire life?

CHARDON, Ohio – A transgender woman was sentenced Friday to four years in prison for killing her frail husband by forcing him to exercise.

I mean, this story has everything! Sex! Money (she did it for the insurance)! Murder by exercise! Celebrities (er, sort of)! Even the dateline is suggestive!

The details are what make this so perfect:

Chris Mason, 41, was sentenced in Geauga County Common Pleas Court for reckless homicide in the death of 73-year-old James Mason. She pleaded guilty earlier and could have gotten five years in prison.

Mason's voice quivered as she tearfully apologized for the June death of her husband, who had heart problems. A surveillance camera caught Mason forcing her husband around in the pool.

Chris Mason also goes by Christine Newton-John, the name she took after her 1993 sex change.

"I want to apologize to my former husband's half-sister for her loss as well as to my family and for my loss," she said in court in an emotional tone. "It's been very upsetting and devastating for our entire family."

Hey, hold on a minute ... did she just apologize to herself for her loss? Man, that's the most amazing nonapology apology I've ever seen! (Your Honor, I throw myself on the mercy of the court. After all, I am a widow.)

Oh, and for the record: The Velvet Blog predicts this story will form the basis of the plot of Law & Order's season finale, starring Drew Carey as Christine Newton-John and Abe Vigoda as James Mason.


NOTE: The AP story was completely rewritten around the time I posted this, so my quotations don't match up to the version in the link.

Spring to NY Metro Area: "Drop Dead"

Snow? Snow?? Yegads, enough already.

Get out of the office and into the springtime

Hmm. I think this is going to be a mostly-music blog for a while.

The song of the day is "Legal Man," a Belle & Sebastian B-side non-album single.


SeeqPod - Playable Search

I love that anthemic "get out of the office/get out of the city" bit at the end. I must have played this four times in a row yesterday.

Topic: Belle & Sebastian contains no band members named Belle or Sebastian.

Discuss.

If we sing, are we nightingales? Shine, are we stars?

I've had this stuck in my head all day. It's a cover of a Prefab Sprout song, slightly reconfigured as bossa nova by Norwegian pop singer Sondre Lerche:


SeeqPod - Playable Search

Layoffs a-poppin' at my office. I'm spared, but lost a copyeditor.

I am really not happy right now.

Let me listen to that song again. Perhaps I'll calm down.

Random thought after viewing the ad for the Comedy Central roast of Larry the Cable Guy for the umpteenth time

At 17 minutes per pound and (I'm guessing) 250 pounds, it would take 70.83 hours to roast Larry the Cable Guy in a 325-degree oven.

Miss me all week?

Busy, busy.

Here, enjoy this instructional video from "Posh Nosh" on making bread and butter ... excuse me, bread and butter pudding.

At least, I think that's why they sat in my lap

The Onion AV Club has an amusing article on bad moviegoing experiences.

Here are a few of mine:

--Went to see a Russian kitchen-sink drama (I forget the name), and there was a guy sitting near me who READ ALL OF THE SUBTITLES OUT LOUD to his companion. Yes, the entire way through the movie. I assume his friend was either blind or couldn't read English. Perhaps seeing something that wasn't subtitled might have been a good idea.

--During a showing of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, there were three teens behind me who found everything about the movie absolutely hilarious. By midway through the film, I had a pounding headache. At that point, I turned around and screamed--yes, screamed like a crazy person--"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!?!" And they did, no doubt assuming that I'd kill them if they didn't. But the movie was ruined at that point.

--Then there was the fellow who sat near me during a showing of Crimes and Misdemeanors and thought it was Woody Allen's funniest comedy ever. He laughed nonstop. (In case you missed this one, it's one of Woody's darkest dramas.)

--OK, this was completely my fault. I went to see Dangerous Liaisons under the mistaken impression that it was short--say, 90 minutes. Not sure where I got that idea. I got to the theater pretty early and sat in the middle of the auditorium. Then the seats filled up, and I had no easy exit. And I drank a large Coke. By an hour and a quarter in, I was dying because I had to pee so desperately. But I figured that the movie was over soon, and I didn't want to climb over the 20 little old ladies who flanked me on either side. 90 minutes passed. 100. 110. (Ohmygod!! Why won't this stupid movie end?!) Finally, at the two-hour mark, I dashed from the theater with only minor kidney damage.

--I saw My Beautiful Laundrette in a small theater with absolutely no lighting along its walls. (You may not notice, but there are usually small lights either along the walls or along the aisle.) The auditorium was pitch dark, and it's not exactly a brightly lit movie. So, at two points during the film, latecomers stumbled down the aisle ... and sat in my lap.

--I went to see Transylvania 6-5000. That's it--I went to Transylvania 6-5000.

Please share yours in comments.

Amen

Part of an occasional series in which try to soften the sting of particularly harsh reviews by appending the phrase: "Garnish with Fluffernutter." Why? Because we can. Today's entry comes from the review of Watchmen in The New York Times:

Speaking of acts of congress, "Watchmen" features this year's hands-down winner of the bad movie sex award, superhero division: a moment of bliss that takes place on board Nite Owl's nifty little airship, accompanied by Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." (By the way, can we please have a moratorium on the use of this song in movies? Yes, I too have heard there was a secret chord that David played, and blah blah blah, but I don't want to hear it again. Do you?) Garnish with Fluffernutter.

I blame Shrek for this, BTW. The song has been around a long time, but Shrek was the first big Hollywood movie to use it in an emotional scene (actually, the John Cale cover, not the Leonard Cohen original). Since then, it's been used over and over and over and over. I don't think subtlety is at the top of the to-do list for Watchmen's makers. To indicate the passing of time during a montage they use ... wait for it! ... "The Times They Are a-Changin'."

Ghost malls!

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have been amazing of late.

I'm going to be lazy and let them do the heavy lifting today.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Glenn Beck's War Room

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Political Humor

Rap Battle
Joke of the Day

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

"I have to say, I find cheap populism oddly arousing." Hahahahahahaha.

This is the first time I'm seeing Santelli's rant, much talked about and lauded on the right. His words have actually become a rallying cry for right-wing groups, which are holding "tea parties" to protest the White House's economic plans. And now that I've seen it ... wow. I mean, words fail.

And what can one say about Glenn Beck that hasn't been said countless times about those who have suffered serious brain injury? I don't mean to put down those with serious brain injuries. It's horrible. (I just finished reading Forever Today, BTW, which I heard about on Radiolab and I recommend it highly. Sad, but deeply moving.) But there's just something totally unnerving about Beck's affect. It's just not right. If I'd never seen him on TV and you showed me a videotape of him speaking, I'd assume you were showing me footage of some deranged street-corner screamer who's been off his meds. And he has a TV show.

Here's the thing. My brother has always been to the right of me politically. Always. But it only dawned on me recently--it was when we were sitting around his dining room table at Christmas--that he's been completely, totally sucked in by this Fox News madness. He went off on a tear about subjects that he has no firsthand knowledge of, and ticking off every Fox News talking point he's memorized.

To give one example, The New York Times is a left-wing propaganda tool, and The Washington Post used to be a great paper, but has flushed its reputation down the toilet.

I can guarantee you two things: He has picked up The New York Times no more that twice in his entire life. If that. And he has never, never in his life read a copy of The Washington Post. Yet there he sat, getting angry and worked-up about them, his voice getting louder and his face turning red. I was shocked, actually.

Now, every time I go by Fox News and I see Hannity and O'Reilly and Beck spouting their deranged fantasies, I know my brother is soaking in every word. And that scares the shit out of me.

Quotation of the day

"The humility I feel is staggering." --Jerry Lewis at the Oscars

Pro-and-con characteristics of snow

PRO:
--Pretty
--Fluffy
--Wonderlandy

CON:
--Heavy
--Coldy
--Shovely