The Rise and Fall of Freddie the Dog

Wednesday:

7 a.m.: Wakes up; licks balls

7:15 a.m.: Pees in yard

7:20 a.m.: Eats

7:30 a.m.: Goes for walk; poops

9:00 a.m.: Licks balls

10 a.m.: Someone posts Freddie's blog URL on home page

11 a.m.: Picks cookbook off shelf in kitchen; eats

12:05 p.m.: Freddie's blog gets 1,000 hits

12:06 p.m: Scratches ear

3 p.m.: Licks balls

5 p.m.: Blog gets 2,000 hits

6 p.m.: Eats; pees; poops

7 p.m.: Another 500 hits

8 p.m.: Paris Hilton stops by; Freddie considers humping her leg, shudders deeply, and decides against it

9 p.m.: Freddie denounced by Swift Boat Veterans: "His wounds were superficial."

10 p.m.: Dick Cheney pronounces Freddie a "flip flopper. First he likes squeaky squirrel toy. Then he likes squeaky hippo toy. Is this the dog we want in office?"

10:15 p.m.: Freddie spotted with J.Lo; press dubs them "Freddifer"

10:30 p.m.: Pees; poops

11:00 p.m.: Checks SiteMeter report; licks balls; sleeps


Thursday:

7:00 a.m.: Wakes, eats, pees, poops, licks

7:15 a.m.: Ben Affleck stops by, warns him of backlash; Freddie considers humping his leg, but decides against it; Affleck leaves to make another crappy movie

7:30 a.m.: More licking

8:00 a.m.: Paramount rush-produces starring vehicle for Freddifer

11:00 a.m.: Plays in yard

12:00 p.m.: Zell Miller diagnosed with rabies (c'mon--it was obvious)

1:00 p.m.: Checks SiteMeter, sees hits are up to 5,000-something; licks balls

7:00 p.m.: Paramount realizes it has bomb on its hands; decides to release Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! to theaters without screening for critics

8:00 p.m.: Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! opens; general consensus: "Too much ball licking."

9:00 p.m.: Site hits taper off; falls asleep early

Friday:

8:00 a.m.: Realizes ordering thousands of Freddie mugs and T-shirts was probably a bad idea; licks balls