Friday, July 30, 2004

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Oh, sure--everyone said the same thing about Dick Cheney, and look how that turned out

"There was a time when Chris Heinz, recently named one of People magazine's most eligible bachelors, figured he had a lock on the role of campaign pretty boy. Then his stepfather, John Kerry, picked the boyishly handsome John Edwards as his running mate." --Seattle Post Intelligencer

"'I think he's wonderful,' said Gina Wickwar, an Edwards delegate from Logan. 'He's so telegenic. That's a nice way to say handsome.'" --Deseret News

"Just to get this out of the way, shall we simply stipulate that Edwards is handsome, buoyant, and cheerful?" --Christian Science Monitor


"John Edwards was handsome and chivalrous, planting a chaste kiss on her forehead after their first night out." --Kansas City Star

"Another rising star is John Edwards, Mr Kerry's running mate, who will speak on Wednesday night. He is handsome and more charismatic than Mr Kerry." --The Economist

"Can a candidate be too handsome to be taken seriously?" --Naples Daily News

"When the Easter Island long face of John Kerry was joined by the improbably handsome visage of John Edwards, Republicans were quick to liken the vice-presidential candidate to a model in a shampoo ad." --Irish Examiner

"He is a handsome hunk (voted the sexiest politician alive by People magazine)..." --Times of India

"Edwards, 51, has been described as "boyish" and "charming" and "handsome" and "youthful"..." --Sydney Morning Herald

"Edwards is anchorman-handsome." --San Jose Mercury News

"Edwards is young looking, handsome and attractive to young voters in general and to women voters in particular." --UPI

"Let's just face it--he's a dreamboat." --Jim D.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

But seriously...

If you didn't catch Barack Obama's speech on the broadcast networks last night (oh, right, I forgot--the convention isn't newsworthy anymore), you owe it to yourself to read it.

Monday, July 26, 2004

When Silly String is outlawed, only outlaws will have Silly String

"Hollywood residents and businesspeople tired of being in the silly-string crossfire every Halloween have asked officials to ban the colorful streams of compressed foam. Los Angeles City Councilman Tom LaBonge ... said the non-biodegradable foam can fall into storm drains and harm marine life, and also can endanger police, particularly those on horseback. ... Several other communities, including Santa Clarita, Calif., and New Orleans, have restrictions against the use of silly string." --Newsday, July 26

Silly String is compressed foam???

Let's see. I'm writing a review of a bad movie called "Catwoman." What dismissive phrase can I use that no one else will come up with?

"Get out the kitty litter" --Toronto Star

"'Catwoman' ... could turn out to be the kitty litter of summer blockbusters." --New York Post

"'Catwoman': No amount of kitty litter could save this stinker" --Seattle Times

"Kitty litter: Halle Berry fleshes out a fashionable feline female " --Newark Star Ledger

"Kitty Litter" --Rocky Mountain News

"Kitty Litter" --Winnipeg Sun

"There's really nowhere to go when your script is just so much kitty litter" --Portland Tribune

"The stink of a $90-million box of kitty litter" --Chart Attack

"There isn't enough sand in the world to hold this much cat litter" --Evansville Courier and Press

"Ewwww, who spilled the litter box?" --Seattle Post Intelligencer

"Can be safely consigned to the litter box" --The Globe and Mail

"It belongs in the litter box" --Miami Herald

"Halle's 'Catwoman' is one for the litter box" --Delaware County Times


"Unfortunately for Oscar winner Halle Berry, this movie belongs in the litter box" --USA Today

"Discards such anachronisms as story and character like so much kitty litter" --Washington Post

"I've whiffed litter boxes that gave off a less offensive odor than this hairball." --Akron Beacon Journal

"It might take Halle Berry more than nine lives to shake the karmic kitty litter from her reputation." --St. Louis Post Dispatch

"Script that should have been tossed out with the kitty litter" --Telegraph.co.UK

"Patience -- which is exactly what you need to sit through this kitty litter..." --Catholic News Service

"Meow -- Halle Berry looks great, but 'Catwoman' is kitty litter" --Philadelphia Daily News

"You almost expect the character to seek out a litter tray" --BBC News

"Batch of big-screen kitty litter" --Calgary Sun



Great name for a bizarre TV preacher's wife, which can also double as a stripper name

Rexella Van Impe

Friday, July 23, 2004

Spam quiz

Match the fake spam name with the sender's spam message.

1) Creamier H. Pyramid
2) Secondly H. Casseroles
3) Clinked U. Penologist
4) Southerlies R. Skills
5) Weirdly Q. Dudder
6) Friendship H. Wheeziest
7) Assigning Q. Isolationist


A) Ponzi scheme
B) Good old-fashioned recipes
C) Thoughts on reforming the U.S. penal system
D) Finding work in the South
E) Information on strange occurrences
F) Low prices on asthma inhalers
G) Thoughtful treatise on why we shouldn't get involved in other countries' politics
H) Hard-core #*#$-munching #*#$#@#s and huge #$#*(!s.

Scroll down for answers.












Answer to all: H

One point for each correct answer.

Scoring:
1-6: Loser!
7: Can you believe the size of that @#$*#?

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Alternate theory: Perhaps she sang one too many of those damned mariachi songs?

"Singer Linda Ronstadt not only got booed, she got the boot after praising filmmaker Michael Moore and his new movie 'Fahrenheit 9/11' during a performance." --MSNBC, July 19


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Real BlogSpot blog names, with commentary

Kevin's Dead Cat
This stinks.

sOledAd..a KeEpiN for thE lonEly...wHEn thE meMorY is gONe...
I'm trying to forget this aSaP.

i miss yoo.
And I miss yews. Damn, those were nice trees.

don't you mean melvin doo?
No.

I'm Fat: Fat with Dreams. Fat with Hope. Fat with Love.
It's not "fat." It's "strategic adipose reserves."

MyFingersAreSHORRT..
Must make it tough buying gloves.

Hey... Listen!
No.

And they whirl and and they twirl and they tango
The fact that I immediately got the "Muskrat Love" reference makes me very, very sad.

Feral Cats in the News ~ the Feral Cat Blog!
Hopefully, the muskrats will clear this up.

Vomit The Soul
Consider it done.

The One ANd Only Meeee!!
Thank God.

i cHoOse tO loVe u iN siLeNcE..cUx iN siLenCe i fiNd nO reJecTioN...
Wrong. Leave.

i tried to say goodbye
Try again.

WittySquirrel's Insane Ramblings...
[Insert nut joke here]

The most dangerous of all Roberts
I've already called the police.

Old Naked Woman
Mom, I'm telling you for the last time, it's not funny.

am i crazy? what am i doing?
Yes. I don't know.

The Wonderful World of Pizza, Care Bears and Neurotic Medical Students
Drop the med students, and you've got a deal.

The Better Blog
No, not really.

Irritation Station
Try Gold Bond powder.

Why Daddy Drinks
Does it have something to do with how shitty his life is?

i'm a miserable piece of shiet
Dad, is that you?

Niels' weblogs
Really, Niels, do you need more than one?

HelFire's Blog and other stuff
Condemned for misspelling "hell." Also worships Satin.

The View from Missouri
Looks dull from here.

The New Shit
Can it really be as good as the old shit?

without the masks, where will i hide?
Try kneeling under the desk. Really. It works.

LivIng Each daY PurposefullY
Today's purpose: Learning how to capitalize.

Journey Inside My Mind
So that's left at the neuron and right at the synapse?

Crack is Whack
If this isn't Whitney Houston's blog, I'm going to be really pissed.

Nymphomania or Narcolepsy?
Hmmm. I've got to go with the nymphomania.

Become A Male Porn Star
Finally! This one I'm bookmarking.

Friday, July 16, 2004

Somehow, I get the feeling it's not working

"Pop tart Britney Spears wants to toast the Post. The 22-year-old pop sensation is demanding a retraction, an apology and some moolah from the paper after it splashed a photo of her guzzling what they said was whisky on its front page yesterday.

"Spears said through her lawyer that she was actually drinking ginseng --a nonalcoholic herbal supplement that supposedly boosts ... mental clarity." --New York Daily News, July 16


Thursday, July 15, 2004

Ah, so that's why we're in Iraq!

"Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) complained during debate that supporters of the amendment had been called intolerant. 'Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?'" he said. --Newsday, July 15

I'll buy this argument as soon as they amend the Constitution to prevent Larry King from marrying for the 23rd time

"President George W. Bush had actively supported the amendment and issued a statement following the vote, saying in part, 'I am deeply disappointed that the effort to pass a constitutional amendment affirming the sanctity of marriage as being between a man and a woman was temporarily blocked in the Senate.'" --various news sources

Monday, July 12, 2004

Secondary reasons to delay the November elections

American counterterrorism officials, citing what they call "alarming" intelligence about a possible Qaeda strike inside the United States this fall, are reviewing a proposal that could allow for the postponement of the November presidential election in the event of such an attack, Newsweek has learned. --Newsweek, July 19 issue

--Tuesday mornin' blahs.
--Did I postpone the elections? Sorry, I meant to reschedule my dentist appointment.
--God told me to.
--April fools!
--Just to get that bastard Al Franken's goat.

Bad name for a candy bar

Whatchamacallit: C'mon, people, that's not even trying!!!

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Disaster strikes

Is there anything worse than buying peanut butter, bringing it home, stirring up the PB and the oil, digging in ... and finding out you bought creamy instead of extra chunky?



Saturday, July 10, 2004

[Heavy sigh.]

"The issue [moving a Senate vote so that John Kerry couldn't vote] also came up on the Senate floor Tuesday, when Senate Democratic Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota said [Senate Majority Leader Bill] Frist had personally told him 'that he didn't want to accord Sen. Kerry the opportunity to vote today knowing, of course, Sen. Kerry was here today.' As he travels the country campaigning for president, Kerry rarely is in Washington to vote, but he wanted to cast a vote for veterans, a Republican-leaning group that he is targeting in his tight race against Bush. Republicans were eager to deny Kerry the moment he sought and delayed the vote." --ABCnews.com, June 24

"The 30-second commercial, which starts airing today, is part of Bush's first major advertising effort in nearly three weeks. The commercial criticizes Kerry for missing 'over two-thirds of all votes' in the Senate while campaigning, and asks: 'Kerry has his priorities. Are they yours? Kerry's campaign countered yesterday that the Democrat's priority has been serving the public for more than 30 years - as a naval officer in Vietnam, a county prosecutor, a lieutenant governor and a senator. Campaign staffers questioned how Bush could argue about absenteeism when the president has spent at least 233 days at his Texas ranch since he took office." --ABCnews.com, June 8


Thursday, July 08, 2004

Also, Dick has all the powers of Hell at his command.

"Asked what differentiates Edwards from Vice President Dick Cheney, Bush declared flatly, 'Dick Cheney could be president. Next?'" --L.A. Daily News, July 8

Is that perhaps the scariest sentence ever spoken in the English language?

Kerry-Edwards

Say it loud, and there's music playing. Say it soft, and it's almost like praying.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

"Wish you were here."

This could be useful.

Consider them marked.

"Mark my words: Now that good old Al [Gore] has come lunging in, the anti-war movement is dead." --Ann Coulter, July 3


Note to self: These words are really, really stupid.


Friday, July 02, 2004

Or, in other words, 90% of the people on the subway with you

"The [FBI] bulletin also lists 'visible indicators' that have been observed prior to suicide bomb attacks in other countries. These include heavy clothing in hot weather, 'protruding bulges or exposed wires' and 'chemical odors,' disguises and attempts to gain position near crowds or VIP targets, irregular baggage and 'tightened hands or hands continually in the pockets of trousers or outer clothing.'"