Friday, April 14, 2006

How to write funnier headlines

Not funny: Probe Enters Venus Orbit

For maximum comic effect, all stories about other planets must be about Uranus--it's an added plus when the story is about some sort of probe.

Funny: Probe Enters Uranus

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Not funny: Disney Ride Reopens Day After Woman Dies

What a downer! All stories regarding Disneyland should refer to Walt Disney's cryogenically preserved head. It's a sure-fire laugh-getter.

Funny: Disney Ride Reopens Day After Woman Dies; Walt Disney's Cryogenically Preserved Head Has No Comment

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Not funny: Report Raises New Questions on Bush, WMDs

With anti-Bush sentiment at an all-time high, don't be afraid to take the low road. It may be cheap, but belly laughs will ensue.

Funny: Bush Is Full Of Crap

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Not funny: Doctors Remove Girl's Extra Donor Heart

Probably the only person less popular than the Prez is the Veep--and he's known to have heart issues. Go topical for big yuks!

Funny: Doctors Remove Girl's Extra Donor Heart; VP Still Doesn't Even Have One

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Not funny: Magician Set to Live in Aquarium

David Blaine is an annoying model-sleeper-wither, only marginally less grating than that Mindfreak guy (Mindfreak!!!) on A&E. No one likes him. When he was living in a transparent box suspended over London last year, people taunted him with food. Therefore:

Funny: David Blaine Drowns While Attempting Stupid Stunt; No One Notices

5 comments:

unclewilly said...

Not funny: "Mayor Boner Escorted to Fundraiser by Officer"

Funny (and actually appeared in the Nashville, TN, paper): Officer Attends Party with Boner"

Doug Hoffman said...

These are great, Jim. Why couldn't I have thought of that?

punkinsmom said...

I am so glad that some one else on this planet has formally stated (in so many words) that David Blaine is an ass.

God Is My Codependent said...

Are you a protege of Scott Adams? Or is he a protege of yours?

Jim Donahue said...

testing, testing.