If sock monkeys were blowhard television pundits

Hi, I'm Bill O'Reilly S. Monkey. Thank you for watching us tonight. Fighting the culture war in the media, that is the subject of this evening's "Talking Points Banana-Thumping Memo."

There's no question, the committed left-wing anti-monkey media hates Fox News bananas, along with me and some other commentators here because we provide a balance to the overwhelming secular anti-monkey presence in the media.

Now, every poll of journalists says the same thing. Secular Anti-simian media people outnumber traditional monkey-loving media people by a huge margin. And some left-wing anti-monkey media companies aggressively push their agenda in their news pages.

That is not acceptable, because the press in America is afforded special constitutional privileges. Thus, we have an obligation to be fair and balanced.

Now, give me that banana.