Folks, we're fighting the wrong immigration battle.
The real foreign menace isn't coming from the south, but the north.
Think of what Canada has sent us so far: William Shatner. Celine Dion. Loverboy. Corey Hart (take off the damn sunglasses already--it's night!). Need I go on?
But nothing, nothing compares to the worst menace from the north: the Canada goose.
It's impossible to go to a park on Long Island and not step in Canada goose poop. It's everywhere. In fact, I can't remember the last time I've seen an America goose. Or, for that matter, good old red-white-and-blue America goose poop. (The Canadian variety is greenish and, well, icky.)
I'm fairly sure this is a conspiracy. The career of Canadian actor Ryan Gosling only confirms this. Sure, soften us up with your Canuck hunks, and then another flock of geese sneaks over the border!
Why, just look at the awful critters from my local park:
Oh my God! Babies! Oh, they're adorable! And fuzzy!!! I just want to reach out and grab one and put it in my pocket!
I take it all back.
(I also love your delicious ham, even if we do call it bacon.)