WHO?: Beefy Mexican wrestler/crime fighter, and star of hundreds of very cheap movies.
PROS: Fights evildoers. Brings joy to Spanish-speaking children and wrestling fans. Gives hope to the full-figured that they, too, can fight crime. Impressively fills out a Speedo.
CONS: Poor fashion sense. His films are boring and poorly made. What is he hiding with that mask, anyway?
WHO?: Jolly old elf and commercializer of Christmas. Subject of dozens of films, including Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
PROS: Delivers presents. Brings joy to children. Gives hope to the full-figured that they, too, can look good in bright colors.
CONS: Nagging rumors about those creepy elves. Presents often turn out to be underwear. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians marked film debut of Pia Zadora. What is he hiding with that beard, anyway?
Claus von Bulow
WHO?: Husband of socialite Sunny von Bulow. Subject of film, Reversal of Fortune.
PROS: Generous in giving sweets to his wife. Role of von Bulow earned Jeremy Irons an Oscar. Gives hope to the psychopathologically social-climbing.
CONS: Wife was diabetic and went into a coma. Whatever happened to Jeremy Irons? Why did Irons believe starring in a film of Dungeons & Dragons was a good career move? Also, do you think Irons has had some work done? Last time I saw him, he looked a little weird. I mean, not Kenny Rogers weird or Burt Reynolds weird, but still.
WINNER: Claus von Bulow. I love getting candy.*
*I realize he was actually accused of giving his wife an overdose of insulin, but that's just not funny. Sickos.