BREAKING NEWS: Elusive man in the street, thought apocryphal, alive and well

Concerned reader God Is My Codependent and I have accidentally stumbled upon evidence that the legendary Heywood Jablome, long thought to be a mere urban legend though he is oft-quoted in man-in-the-street newspaper interviews, is alive, well, and maintaining his elusive status by shuttling between his eight (or so) homes in the United States. It is my theory that he is in the witness protection program--and I am therefore blowing his cover--but I think this story is simply too big to stifle. (Did Woodward and Bernstein shy away from Watergate because it made Pat Nixon cry? No. No, they did not.)

The whole, long-held "he doesn't exist" cover story began to unravel after God Is My Codependent (hereafter referred to as GIMC) read a piece on urban-legend-debunker Snopes about Mr. Jablome. Snopes reports several recent sightings of Mr. Jablome in the media and, obviously working with law enforcement agencies, dismisses them as a "jape" and compares them to Bart Simpson prank calling Moe the Bartender in "the animated TV series The Simpsons." (By the way, Snopes, thanks for identifying The Simpsons as "the animated TV series" because in 2010, surely no knows what The Simpsons is.)

Intrigued and vaguely suspicious, GIMC ran a Google search on Heywood (aka "Haywood"--and isn't it damning that he's using more than one spelling of his first name?) Jablome and was surprised and indeed alarmed when this ad came up on the list of results:




It's then GIMC called in the authorities: Namely, The Velvet Blog.

TVB immediately sprang into action, uncovering this information at people-search site Intelius (which, as a Web site located on the Internet, is undoubtedly dependable): Heywood Jablome has homes in Illinois, Texas, Ohio, New York, and several other locations.

Have I just blown your mind?

Well, sit tight as I continue blowing!

On a hunch, I also ran a Google search on Osama bin Laden, and was shocked to discover this paid advertisement:



That's right, ladies and gentlemen: Osama bin Laden is alive, well, and somehow hiding on Amazon.com.

Anyone brave enough to order him? He comes with free two-day shipping.