Sunday, January 24, 2010

High jinks, wacky and otherwise

Part of an occasional series in which we improve depressing or odd descriptions of vanity press books by appending the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue." Usually, we do this via ad copy drawn from The New York Times Book Review, but pickings have been so slim of late that The Velvet Blog has been forced to go to the Web site of vanity publisher AuthorHouse. All ad copy, though shortened, has not otherwise been altered (except for the high jinks). Consider typos to be [sic].

"Bitter Sweet Secret Assignment" is a book about a young, beautiful half blood Jewish journalist. She wanted to experience the revolution adventure in Suriname which ended in a different disaster. Her love for the business man Chris Nepal abrubtly ended in a horrible nightmare on their wedding night. Wacky high jinks ensue.

I hear a lot of wedding nights are like that.
"So, Here I Stand...." Is a tale centred in modern day America. A story of intrigue, deception, love and eventually revenge. With a main British character named 'Lila Arvoe' and a number of other American characters who revolve around her life throughout the diegesis. When introduced to 'Max' her best friend's swain, she lives to regret the debut. Becoming involved in a local bank robbery through a sequence of uncontrollable events only to discover the bank has previously been robbed! "So, Here I Stand...." Is innovative with a difference! With the choice of an ALTERNATIVE ENDING, the reader ultimately choosing the grand finale! Wacky high jinks ensue.

You had me at "diegesis."
Chaos wrapped around love, hate, and despair. Question what you can as each page aches and saturates beyond your eyes. Destiny can't be perfect, but continue to rely on faith as the surreal is explored and documented in Empire Nothing. This realm speaks from you and back at you, living in experience and movements of thought that drip, and continue to drip, up and back again in a collective spiral of angst, vanity, memories and visions. Spectrum after spectrum on the cusp of bliss and agony rip away the fabric of a society that puts the "individual" second. Wars rage. Propaganda becomes actions and images instead of words. People love fear. The memories of the past are used as opiates to sweeten the present and ensure the forgiving future. But once inside, you learn more about the conditions we feel and the emotions we endure to express. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Mmmmmmm ... sweet, sweet opiates.
This is the story of an embalmer. In the course of telling the story the reader is allowed into the never seen embalming room. The reader gets first hand knowledge of what an embalmer has to do and endure in order to prepare a dead human body for viewing and burial. ... Although this novel is not intended to be a text book on embalming, the reader will feel that he or she will almost have the training to embalm a dead human body. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Operative word in that last description: "almost." Other operative word: "dead." Really, I can't emphasize that enough.


Dave said...

There's no link. You made this up, right?

In your words, "you had me at.... '[t]his the story of an embalmer.'"

If times get really tough, there's a copy editor position open at Author House.

Dave said...

Hell, I need an editor. This IS the story....

Jim Donahue said...

No link because I didn't want to link to a company that takes advantage of people. But, all too real.

punkinsmom said...

"Question what you can as each page aches and saturates beyond your eyes."