Thursday, January 28, 2010

Suckage, hatred, and bad karma

Part of an occasional series in which try to soften the sting of particularly harsh reviews by appending the phrase: "Garnish with Fluffernutter."

Why? Because we can.
"Edge of Darkness," a thriller boasting Mel Gibson's first starring role in eight years, elicits a gigantic wow -- as in "Wow, does this movie suck." Garnish with Fluffernutter.

"Legion" is an absolute mess, a masochistic disaster with an overly-aggressive score, mediocre, uninspired acting and a subject matter it both wholeheartedly embraces and mocks without repute. It's one of those movies you just want to hate, you just have to hate, because deep down, you know it hates itself. Garnish with Fluffernutter.

One wonders what sins Jackie Chan could have committed in a single lifetime to warrant having an abomination like this pathetic excuse for a movie weighing down his karma. Garnish with Fluffernutter.

Hm. Well, there's only so much Fluffernutter can be expected to do.


ChefNick said...

Christ, I shoulda-woulda-coulda been a movie reviewer. I love the comment "cinema-criminal director"! It sings! It dances!

I would have rather said "Jackie Chan deserves to be whipped with overcooked Bok Choy." But that's just my superior reviewing skills talking.

Qaro said...

Ha! When I was at the grocery store yesterday, I looked for fluffernutter. I looked in the cake and pie fillings, I looked near the marshmallows, I looked near the peanut butter and jellies, and in the ice cream topping section. I am beginning to believe that if such a thing really exists, my grocery store does not carry it.

Jim Donahue said...

Hmm. I think it's usually near the P.B.

Bix said...

Wow. There's a lot of anger in those writings.

Have people have always been this angry? Or is it new?