Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Emotional rescue

Let me tell you, it's been a real emotional roller-coaster around here lately! First, I received some truly shocking news. Believe it or not, I found out ... No, that's wrong. It hasn't been an emotional roller-coaster, exactly. I mean, what's that, really? You get in a nice safe car and you go up and down, but you're never in any real sort of peril, right?

It's been more like the whirling tea-cup ride, like at Disney World. What's the name of that? The Mad Hatter's Tea Party, I think. You get in, and then whoever's in the tea cup with you spins the thing around so fast that the G forces push back your cheeks like you see on astronauts' faces on takeoff and you think all the skin is going to peel off their skulls because there's just no freakin' way that a body could take all that punishment, or maybe your neck will just snap right off! SNAP!!! Yeah, that's it--it's been emotional Mad Hatter's Tea Party.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah ... my appalling news! Really, you will NOT believe this! I found out ... now, get ready for this ... No, no, no. That's still not right. What's the game where you keep hitting rodents with mallets? Smash-the-Rat? Flatten-the-Squirrel? ... Whack-a-Mole! Yes, that's exactly what it's been: an emotional Whack-a-Mole game!

So, back to the story. I found out--and, trust me, this is going to curl your hair and knock your socks off--oh, dammit, I'm telling this all wrong!

Now that I've had a little time to think things over more, it's really been more like an emotional Tilt-a-Whirl. You know, you get strapped into this big apparatus, and it starts spinning, and the floor drops out, and people start screaming and losing that extra-large Diet Pepsi with Lime and corn dog with extra relish they just gulped down and they just want to die or at the very least stop spinning. Yes, that is it! An emotional Tilt-a-Whirl!

Where was I? Oh, right. So--and I really, can we keep this just between us? Because I really don't this news to get around-- ... eh, I'm still not capturing this. I guess it's really more like an emotional It's a Small World After All. Man, aren't those dolls just the creepiest? Definitely not an emotional Country Bears Jamboree, though--jeez, that's completely wrong. An emotional Sleeping Beauty's Enchanted Castle? An emotional Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?

... No, it was definitely an emotional roller-coaster.

Never mind.


Grammarian said...

The thing where you get strapped in and it starts spinning and the floor drops out is the Round Up. The Tilt-a-Whirl is that thing where you sit down in what looks like a half an egg shell in front of a round table-like thing and you push or pull the table thing and go around sideways and you can change the directions you go around.

Jim Donahue said...

Since this is fiction, you can chalk that up to the device known as the "unreliable narrator."

MsYvone said...

To me, they are all called "Barf-o-Matic"

Jim Donahue said...

You want to go into labor? Go on one.

Will said...

Walt Disney must have been secretly hated children. Anyone who would condone the use of spinning tea cups is sick, sick, sick, especially in a place called an amusement park. My cousin's inner sadist emerged when we were kids and went on that ride in DisneyLand. He kept spinning the inner wheel faster and faster with this demonic look on his face. The G force pushed my head past the rim of the cup and I felt like my chin was being pushed further and further back like my neck was going to snap over the tea cup rim.

My cousin grew up to be a conservative Republican. We should have seen it coming.

Talley Sue said...

What Grammarian said.

I'm a Tilt-A-Whirl fan. However, I have never been able to TRULY control which direction I go. You can influence it, sometimes. But you can't really control it.


and here's a Round Up

MsYvone said...

You want to go into labor? Go on one.
# posted by Jim Donahue : 10:33 AM

If I want her to come out through my esophagus, yeah, I'll go on one.

ooo. I just had a really awful vision of everyone else on the ride covered in afterbirth.

Was that too much Information? I think I just channeled Quinton Tarrantino.

Jay Jordan said...


just prophetic

oh, and one for you jim..

at cajonomics...

you know the link

punkinsmom said...

I like all those rides. A lot. I even like spinning the cups really fast. Does that mean I'm emotional? Or maybe I'm immune to emotional tilt-a-whirls due to my affinity for the real thing?

psycho-therapist said...

this one actually had me laughing out loud. you have just proven my (completely unbiased and untested) theory that men RARELY ever (okay, NEVER) blog about their inner lives.

but i'm still smiling.
i think i'm gonna add your to my frequent read list. let me know if you object..
in a really strong, emotion-ridden voice.