Saturday, December 02, 2006

And remember, my friend--future events such as these will affect you in the future: A quiz

Don't worry, this is pretty easy, and you won't be graded.

Identify the predictions of 16th century prognosticator Nostradamus, insane 20th century bon vivant and Edward D. Wood star Criswell (left), and 21rst century humorist and Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman.


A) I predict an outburst of cannibalism that will terrorize the population of one of the industrial cites in the state of Pennsylvania--Pittsburgh. Mass mournings will be held for the victims. A smile will be unknown. The fate of this city of Pittsburgh will never be forgotten.

B) When the fish that travels over both land and sea
is cast up on to the shore by a great wave,
its shape foreign, smooth and frightful.
From the sea the enemies soon reach the walls.

C) Merman attacks on the transatlantic, suboceanic tunnel will increase.

D) Everyone will have a cotton candy machine installed in his or her car.

E) I predict a series of homosexual cities, small, compact, carefully planned areas, will soon be blatantly advertised and exist from coast to coast. These compact communities will be complete with stores, churches, bars, and restaurants which will put the olden Greeks or Romans to shame with their organized orgies. You will be able to find them near Boston, Des Moines, Columbus, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, St. Louis, New Orleans, Dallas, and Miami.

F) The motion of senses, heart, feet and hands
will be in agreement between Naples, Lyon and Sicily.
Swords fire, floods, then the noble Romans drowned,
killed or dead because of a weak brain.

G) I predict that Kansas will become the most important state in the United States, due to the moving of the Federal capital from Washington, D.C., to Wichita. The broad plains and prairies will be a roof above multi-story government buildings, constructed wholly underground. The largest airports in the world will be constructed in Kansas to serve the needs of the new capital of the United States.

H) Roving cocktail gangs will ravage American cities in search of vermouth.

I) Las Vegas, Nevada ... : The very first Interplanetary Convention will be held in the new Convention Center on the famed Strip with colony citizens of Mars, Venus, Neptune and the Moon in full representation; Governor Sawyer will make the opening welcome address.

J) So-called "altruism" will be abandoned in favor of a new policy of enlightened self-interest and orgies.

K) For forty years the rainbow will not be seen.
For forty years it will be seen every day.
The dry earth will grow more parched,
and there will be great floods when it is seen.

L) [The world will end by] a jet-black rainbow; an ebony rainbow; a black rainbow which will signify the coming suffocation of our world. This black rainbow will seemingly bring about, through some mysterious force beyond our comprehension, a lack of oxygen. It will draw the oxygen from our atmosphere, as a huge snake encircling the world and feeding upon the oxygen which we need to exist. Hour after hour, it will grow worse. And we will grow weaker. It is through this that we will be so weakened that when the final end arrives, we will go silently, we will go gasping for breath, and then there will be only silence on the earth.

M) I predict one of the most horrifying things to befall any woman. I regret to predict that women will lose their hair. I predict that scientists will try to prove that the cause of this falling out of the hair is due to the gaseous fumes polluting the city's air. This terrible affliction will have unbelievable effects on everyone concerned. It will lead to lawsuits, suicides, divorces, murders, desertions and even massacres. I predict this city will be placed under martial law.

N) Humans born with prehensile tails will no longer be immediately drafted into the secret army but allowed to live a normal life; they will, however, be declawed.

I'll let Criswell have the last word:

Sources (but don't go to links before you answer the quiz):

Most of the Criswell quotations come from this Onion AV Club article.

The Nostradamus prophecies come from here.

The John Hodgman predictions come from his book, The Areas of My Expertise, now in paperback, which would make a dandy stocking stuffer.

Answers forthcoming.

No comments: