Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Holiday Tipping Guide

Nanny, au pair, or babysitter: No need to tip. She's stealing your jewelry and having an affair with your husband.

Teacher: Do you want that dopey kid of yours to get into college, or do you want him sleeping on the futon in the basement for the next 10 years? $1,000 per A given.

Hair stylist: Want to look like Bozo? The price of a haircut. Want to look like a human being? Just open your wallet and let her dig in.

Garbageman: Nothing. He's going through your trash and selling the good stuff on eBay. That painting from your attic you threw away? It was a Pollock.

Fitness trainer: Everyone knows you're sleeping with him.

Housekeeper: Please--she's in cahoots with the au pair.

Pool boy: Up to you. Depends on how good he looks in a Speedo.

Yard worker: Isn't keeping his secret from the immigration authorities enough?

Boss: An extra brown-nosing session.

Mail carrier: Unleash the hounds!

(There's real tipping advice here if you need it--and I surely do.)

UPDATE: Bleh. Gawker used basically the same gag on Dec. 4.


God Is My Codependent said...

My policy: I give back 10% of whatever anybody tipped me. Everyone else can bite me.

Gina said...

Please issue a TVB wedding anniversary gift guide in 2007. Thank you.

Knatolee said...

An excellent, timeless guide! But my mail carrier isn't afraid of my dogs..