Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Remember that corner spot of my property where my sloppy neighbors' garbage collects and the wind blew a $50 bill a few months ago?
The other morning, I found another bill there: $1.
C'mon, people. We need to spend our way out of this recession. I want to see at least a Ben Franklin there by tomorrow.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Please put this coupon down and back slowly out of the room. Do not gaze at the coupon. Do not touch the coupon. Do not think of using the coupon.
The fine print at the bottom of the coupon I received the other day from Borders (verbatim--really):
Valid with Borders Rewards membership only. Certain exclusions apply. Coupon cannot be combined with any other offer, including but not limited to "3 for 2," "Buy 4, Get 5th Free" or "Buy 1, Get 1 Half Price" offers. Excludes previous purchases, non-stock special orders, gift cards, newspapers, magazines, comics, coupon books, eBooks, digital downloads, self-publishing programs, Smartbox, Rosetta Stone® software, shipping, and all electronics, including but not limited to the Sony® Reader and the ZuneTM. May not be combined with other coupons, sale pricing, or corporate, classroom, or other group discounts. Original coupon must be relinquished at time of purchase. Single-use coupon. One coupon per customer during the valid period. Void if copied, transferred, and where prohibited by law. Any other use constitutes fraud. Cash value .01¢. Not redeemable for cash. Valid only in U.S. stores and at Borders.com through 12/28/08 midnight EST.
I am tempted to add: Garnish with Fluffernutter. But that really wouldn't make any sense.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Part of an occasional series in which try to soften the sting of particularly harsh reviews by appending the phrase: "Garnish with Fluffernutter." This particular example comes from the review of Seven Pounds in The New York Times :
Frankly, though, I don't see how any review could really spoil what may be among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made. I would tell you to go out and see it for yourself, but you might take that as a recommendation rather than a plea for corroboration. Did I really see what I thought I saw? Garnish with Fluffernutter.
Hmmm. Not sure if that helped this time.
I have no desire to see this movie. But I'm dying to know what the stupid twist is anyway. Yes, that makes no sense whatsoever.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
I was so puzzled why that Iraqi journalist threw a shoe at President Bush.
Could it mean he has a mistaken impression of Christmas traditions and was merely wishing W. a happy holiday season? Or likes not having electricity or clean running water? Or is upset that Battlestar Galactica is heading into its final season?
Fortunately, Arab news service Al Jazeera weighs in with a helpful translation:
In Iraqi culture, throwing shoes at someone is a sign of contempt.
Ooooooohhhh. Never would have guessed that.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
From the Arts & Leisure section of today's Times:
An article last Sunday about the film adaptation of the novel "The Reader" misspelled the German expression that means coming to terms with the past. It is Vergangenheitsbewältigung, not Vergangenheitsbewaltigung.
Do Germans play Scrabble? If so, do they get 20 letters instead of the usual 7?
UPDATE: The answer to the first question is yes.
Friday, December 12, 2008
First, imagine what it would be like if your face could do sit-ups.
This may take a while. I'll wait. Doot doot doot doot dee dooot ... OK, you caught up yet? Great!
Now, imagine what it would be like if a state-of-the-art device would do those facial sit-ups for you!
Well, imagine no more. Presenting Rejuvenique, perfect for the tough-to-please aging ex-Dynasty star on your holiday shopping list:
Mom, I hope you're not reading this, because otherwise the surprise will be spoiled.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
For years, a friend and I have been sending each other instant messages when we come across funny names. Yes, we're fully aware this is juvenile.
But all that is over, because we've found the funniest name in the world, and there is nothing else we can find that will even come close. Any other funny name we find from here on in will just seem lackluster.
And I'm about to share it with you.
OK, are you sitting down?
You are? OK. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to ... Murdaya Poo!
Of course, as he is the 13th richest man in Indonesia, he could buy and sell me, and that probably takes the sting out of it.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Woo-hoo! A rerun from Oct. 11, 2006. Why? Because a) it mentions Santa, so it's topical; b) I'm lazy; and c) TVB has gotten in the neighborhood of 5,000 hits over the last two days from people seeking pictures of von Bulow, in the wake of Sunny's death. No, I don't get it either.
WHO?: Beefy Mexican wrestler/crime fighter, and star of hundreds of very cheap movies.
PROS: Fights evildoers. Brings joy to Spanish-speaking children and wrestling fans. Gives hope to the full-figured that they, too, can fight crime. Impressively fills out a Speedo.
CONS: Poor fashion sense. His films are boring and poorly made. What is he hiding with that mask, anyway?
WHO?: Jolly old elf and commercializer of Christmas. Subject of dozens of films, including Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
PROS: Delivers presents. Brings joy to children. Gives hope to the full-figured that they, too, can look good in bright colors.
CONS: Nagging rumors about those creepy elves. Presents often turn out to be underwear. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians marked film debut of Pia Zadora. What is he hiding with that beard, anyway?
Claus von Bulow
WHO?: Husband of socialite Sunny von Bulow. Subject of film, Reversal of Fortune.
PROS: Generous in giving sweets to his wife. Role of von Bulow earned Jeremy Irons an Oscar. Gives hope to the psychopathologically social-climbing.
CONS: Wife was diabetic and went into a coma. Whatever happened to Jeremy Irons? Why did Irons believe starring in a film of Dungeons & Dragons was a good career move? Also, do you think Irons has had some work done? Last time I saw him, he looked a little weird. I mean, not Kenny Rogers weird or Burt Reynolds weird, but still.
WINNER: Claus von Bulow. I love getting candy.*
*I realize he was actually accused of giving his wife an overdose of insulin, but that's just not funny. Sickos.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Well, apparently, not everyone sees the value in fish agility courses. That's astounding, but The Velvet Blog is nothing if not flexible (at least after a couple of Extra-Strength Tylenol).
In the case, how about the Snuggie?
It's perfect for former Heaven's Gate members, people who already own the Ronco In-Egg Scrambler, and celibates. (Note: Some crossover there.)
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Presenting the Hammacher Schlemmer Fish Agility Training Set:
This complete set of underwater activities allows you to train your pet fish to perform a series of agility maneuvers, including swimming through hoops, pushing a soccer ball, navigating a slalom course, and more.
God help us--there's more. And pictures!