Thursday, November 02, 2006

Feeling a bit squirrelly

You're a headline writer. Here's the set-up: Postal worker attacked by squirrel. How do you play it?


Squirrel Attacks Local Mail Carrier
The local angle. Or as The Onion would put it: "Area Squirrel Attacks Area Mail Carrier." Zzzzz.

Mail lady shaken after squirrel attack
Shaken? A rodent attacks and, what? She gets the vapors? C'mon. Bor-ing.

Mean Squirrel Attacks Mail Carrier
Mean squirrel? How do we know the postal worker didn't start it? This is biased reporting at its worst. C'mon, MSM!

Postal Worker Attacked by Raging Rodent
The alliteration is nice. We're on the right track, but try a little harder.

Mail carrier mauled by deranged squirrel
Now we're getting there. "Deranged" is a great adjective. For some reason, I'm picturing Ann Coulter. Attacked by a squirrel. God, that's a great image.

Squirrel goes postal
Bingo!


In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I had a bit of an incident with a squirrel, when I was around 9 or so. My father used to work for the N.Y. Dept. of Conservation. For some reason that escapes me now, someone left a semi-tame squirrel on the grounds where Dad worked, and he decided to bring it home and let it loose in the backyard. My brother and I volunteered to do the honors. My brother opened the cage--and the squirrel jumped out, made a beeline for me, and ran up the inside of my pants.

That's when I started screaming. Somehow, my brother grabbed my leg and got the squirrel to turn around. I doubt the little guy was in there for more than a few seconds, but it was pretty scary.

Please, in comments, no jokes about searching for nuts.

Thank you.

(More headline advice here.)

(When you have time, listen to this This American Life episode for the "Squirrel Cop" segment. Very funny.)

4 comments:

punkinsmom said...

Please, in comments, no jokes about searching for nuts.

Too easy.

I have noticed that squirrels seem to be getting more aggressive lately. Maybe there's some sort of terrorist cell training camp for squirrels?

Jim Donahue said...

If so, the White House will soon declare the War on Squirrels, at which point they'll completely take over the Northeast amidst sectarian fighting with marmots.

MsYvone said...

OOO... Oil City, PA.. scene of the crime, and frightingly close to my home town... I bet it's relatives of all the Squirrels my Dad used to sting with BB's from the dining room window.

Doug said...

Trouble is, once one person does Squirrel Goes Postal, what's everyone else supposed to do? It's a real bind, I tell you.