Tuesday, June 21, 2005

"You're toast."

So, what happens when you're accused multiple times of molestation, most of the world thinks you're a freak, and your career's on the skids? (I should point out right now that this is not an autobiographical question.)

In a sane world, if all three of those things happen and you see this headline:

'You're toast,' fans tell Michael Jackson following acquittal

...well, then you should start worrying. I mean--whatever the outcome of the trial, you're a pariah, no?

Not in certain circles, it seems. That headline above? Well, here's the story:

A novel range of memorabilia celebrating Michael Jackson's acquittal on child sex charges is popping up on the Internet: slices of toast bearing the embattled superstar's spectral image.

Fans toasting a jury's decision to find the "King of Pop" not guilty say the grilled bread, which is going for up to 300 dollars per slice, magically popped out of their toasters at the exact moment Jackson was acquitted a week ago.

Sadly, I blew my toast budget on Jennifer Wilbanks. But why would anyone want such a piece of bread?

"This is a wonderful memento of this historic day that you will cherish for years to come," boasted one seller on the eBay online auction site.

Yes, cherish the toast.

One slice of toast, bearing an elaborate image of the singer's face, complete with trademark hairstyle and round glasses, has fetched 300 dollars in offers.

Another slice, from the same toaster in the midwestern state of Illinois, had notched up 200 dollars in bids after the seller urged buyers to "Bid Now To Have This Holy Toast!"

Holy toast? Holy shit!

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I've got to get in on this toast business. Think anyone would buy a piece of charred bread with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on it? Donald Rumsfeld? Terri Shiavo?



Anonymous said...

In the future, toast will replace money as the medium of exchange.

Jim Donahue said...

Toast is very hard to keep in your wallet.

Anonymous said...

In the future wallets will be replaced by breadboxes.

Jim Donahue said...

Breadboxes are very hard to keep in your pocket.

Anonymous said...

Please! No toast with Cruise & Katie!
(enough of them already!)
It would get too soggy from the squirt guns.
What about Dick Cheney Toast?

John said...

Terri Shiavo toast would be interesting. If you buy it, a group of people camp out on your front yard and pray for the toast, while Bill Frist tells them that he has seen a tape of the toast and it is clear that the tost responds to it's surroundings. Another group of people say the toast wants to be eaten, and it's cruel to continue it's suffering. Both groups proceed to wreck your lawn and draw complaints from your neighbors.

Anonymous said...

Apostrophes, John, apostrophes!!

Anonymous said...

In the future, pockets will be very big and have wheels.

Anonymous said...

make mine cinnamon toast

NYPinTA said...

I am sad for humanity.