Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Worst New Year's Eve ever

Dec. 31, 1990. I celebrated by staying home and defrosting the freezer.

In general, New Year's Eve sucks. It is, I maintain, the most overrated holiday of the year.

If you're curious, the most underrated holiday is St. Swithin's Day, mostly because 1) it's fun to say (really--try saying "Me? I'll be celebrating St. Swithin's Day in Southampton--how about you?" out loud), and 2) it sounds made up. (A close runner-up would be Setsubun, in Japan. Any holiday that involves hurling beans indoors is all right in my book.)

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Search me.

Recent searches that have produced hits for The Velvet Blog:
--handsome visage
--"chris heinz" whirl*
--christmas songs written by jews
--christmas is pain
--self induce
--induce a coma
--santa riding a bike
--marshmallowed yams
--inflatable turkey philadelphia
--new year's eve sucks
--kitty litter stink

Recent searches that have produced hits for Freddie's blog (really):
--ruff ruff ruff
--ruff ruff ruff
--ruff ruff

I'm not sure what I should draw from this, other than I really ought to write an entry that somehow involves Christmas, Judaism, pain, Sunny von Bulow, cooking, and dogs. Shouldn't be too hard. And Chris Heinz really is dreamy, isn't he?

*Due to the chance juxtaposition of John Kerry's stepson's name on the same page as a quote from "Muskrat Love" ("...and they whirl and they twirl and they tango...").

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Give the people what they want

According to The New York Times's article on blogging last Sunday, I've really missed the boat.

"The favorite topic of personal bloggers is sex."

Well, I'm just not comfortable getting that personal.

So, instead, I offer you some second-hand advice from Tommy Lee, of Motley Crue. According to his new (cough, cough) memoir, Tommyland, threesomes are a bad idea, because someone always feels left out. Instead, you should always--always--push for a foursome. That way, everyone has someone to do.

There. Happy now?

Also from the Times article:

As Web logs proliferate--Technorati, which tracks 5 million blogs, estimates that 15,000 are added each day--the boundaries between public and private are being transformed.

To which I can only ask, WHO IS READING ALL THESE BLOGS????

Sure, I can see following the blog of, say, a dog who posts important dog-related links. Who wouldn't? But, as far as I can tell, of the 15,000 blogs added every day, approximately 14,900 of them are written by Hong Kong teenage girls who, for some inexplicable reason, feel compelled to write in some form of text-messaging English.

It all gives me a headache. But these days, what doesn't?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Department of Corrections

--Several times over the last few months, The Velvet Blog has forecast the end of the world, based on signs such as the appearance of TV shows like Date My Mom, but the apocalypse has not yet happened. TVB regrets the error. However, Fox in January will be broadcasting a program in which a woman who was given up for adoption as a baby has to pick out her real biological father from a group of imposters, so we are very hopeful the apocalypse will be happening early in 2005.

--The Velvet Blog repeatedly forecast John Kerry's victory. George W. Bush won, and TVB deeply, deeply regrets that error, and, indeed, the errors of approximately 52% of the country.

--The Velvet Blog implied that the Republican National Committee had pictures of Sen. John McCain fucking a goat in order to blackmail him into endorsing Pres. Bush's re-election. This was incorrect. The RNC actually had pictures of Sen. McCain screwing a small sheep. The mistake seems understandable, but TVB regrets it anyway.

--The Velvet Blog stated that Sen. Zell Miller has rabies. This is not true, and TVB regrets the error. Sen. Miller is actually just a fucking nutjob.

--In the wake of Jon Stewart's comments on Crossfire, The Velvet Blog repeatedly stated that host Tucker Carlson is a dick. TVB regrets the error. Mr. Carlson is, in fact, just a wanker.

--The Velvet Blog recently implied that Yanni was overplayed on PBS during pledge drives. Actually, Yanni is also overplayed as background music for folding laundry. TVB regrets the error.

--The Velvet Blog said that the "pie goo" is not a technical baking term. Actually, it must be, as someone recently found this site by Googling the term "goo pie." And if that refers to something nasty rather than the makings of pecan pie, TVB really, really regrets the error, but doesn't want to hear about it.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Excerpt from David Sedaris's "The SantaLand Diaries," about his experiences working as an elf at Macy's for two Christmas seasons:

The hallway was packed with people, and all of them seemed to stop me with a question: which way to the down escalator, which way to the elevator, the Patio Restaurant, gift wrap, the women's rest room, Trim-A-Tree. There was a line for Santa and a line for the women's bathroom, and one woman, after asking me a dozen questions already, asked, "Which line for the women's bathroom?" I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it.

She said, "I'm going to have you fired."

I had two people say that to me today. "I'm going to have you fired." Go ahead, be my guest. I'm wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn't get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are?

"I'm going to have you fired!" and I wanted to lean over and say, "I'm going to have you killed."

I read a slightly shortened version of this piece to raise money for a charity the other night. It went well. But too bad that only eight people showed up. Still, I got asked to do it at a coffeehouse next year--for money! Woo-hoo! I'm a professional actor at last!

There's an unofficial David Sedaris resource site here--with, sadly, many dead links. Too bad all of Sedaris's Esquire columns have now switched over to a pay site.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Christmas Is Pain

Lyric of the day; imagine this being sung in a Dylanesque rasp.

There's a turkey a gobblin' out in the yard
Now he's gutted and stuffed and he's basted and charred
And your father is whistlin' and washin' the blood down the drain
Christmas is pain

There's a crowd on the hillside with hatchets and saws
With a keen disregard for the forestry laws
And they happily hum while the stumps slowly bleed in the rain
Christmas is pain

And the stockings are hung by the chimney with care
As if anyone in their right mind would hang 'em there
And some tired old crooner is croakin' out carols again
Christmas is pain

[terrible harmonica solo]

And you wait for an hour to see Santa Claus
And he's covered with velveteen, bourbon and gauze
And he pinches your mother and she can't find the words to explain
Christmas is pain

And the hungry are hungering on Hunger Street
While the people on Plenty Street ... eat
And you punctured the roof of your mouth on a sharp candy cane
Christmas is pain

And all the good cheer is just Madison Avenue's
And all the best Christmas songs were written by Jews
And the eight tiny reindeer have left an embarrassing stain
Christmas is pain

[another terrible harmonica solo]

And two-thirds of the world doesn't give half a damn
And the rest are all bloated on marshmallowed yams
And if Jesus was here, he'd be sent to the back of the train
Christmas is pain

And they double the price of whatever you need
Singin', "I pledge allegiance to corporate greed"
And you're forced to spend several hours conversing with your old Aunt Lorraine
who's insane
with a brain on a plane to Spain
where the main stays rainly in the flat terrain
Christmas is pain

--Roy Zimmerman

Go to Roy's Web site (there's a link off his name above) and download some tunes. The CD this is from, "Comic Sutra," is available on Amazon.

Monday, December 06, 2004

It's Pledge Drive Week on The Velvet Blog!

For your $100 pledge, we'll send you Yanni's CD, "Aimless Noodling," as our gift.

For your $200 pledge, we'll send you Yanni's DVD, "Live at the Apocalypse."

But for just $300, we promise to send you no Yanni whatsoever!

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Here, let me draw you a map, and I'll leave the key under the welcome mat...

Quote of the day:

"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do," [outgoing Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy] Thompson said. "We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that."
--The New York Times


Friday, December 03, 2004

Seven items that didn't make the cut as Wonders of the Ancient World

-The Smallish Pyramid of Giza
-The Drooping Gardens of Babylon
-The Humungous Statue of the Guy With No Arms
-The Cave With Pictures My 4-Year-Old Nephew Could Draw Better
-The... Um... What the Hell Is That?
-The Commodore 64
-That Stuff in the Tupperware Container at the Back of the Refrigerator

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Writers are a funny breed

Has the entire writer community gone insane, or does the letters section of The New York Times Book Review have a new editor? Whichever, the section has lately been running what appear to be unedited letters from authors complaining about the reviews of their books.

My favorite so far is from last Sunday. Ron Felber, author of a book about a Mafia-connected doctor, writes:

"Further, much more than a parade of 'set pieces' highlighted by Carlo Gambino's 'rectal exam' (written tongue in cheek, by the way)..."

Note to Mr. Felber: The phrases "rectal exam" and "tongue in cheek" should never be used so closely together.

More decorating tips

I just noticed that different neighbors have left up some of their Halloween decorations.

Skeleton in trees in late October? Festive (I guess).

Skeleton in trees in December? Creepy (definitely).