Tuesday, October 13, 2015

The 'Cast Next Door

Hm. How do I explain this?

There's a podcast that, just for poops and giggles, dissects the Jennifer Lopez thriller The Boy Next Door in a minute-by-minute format. Thrills! Chills! Laughs! And I'm on the episode that got posted yesterday, so go listen, OK? A second episode goes up on Sunday, and I'll post a link then.

And now, back to my crypt.

UPDATE: The second podcast is here.

Saturday, October 03, 2015

I hope Johnny Depp plays the dental implant in the inevitable movie version

Part of a very occasional series in which we improve odd descriptions of vanity press books advertised in The New York Times Book Review by adding the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue" at the end of them. Why? Because we just want to help. Also, because Gawker is muscling in on my territory and UP WITH THAT I WILL NOT PUT, so The Velvet Blog claws its way out of its burial chamber once again. Ad copy verbatim (except for the high jinks) from the Oct. 4, 2015, issue. Consider all text (sic):
Producing 20 books and 36 patents in the field of Oral Implantology, [name redacted] has established himself as the father of Modern Implant Dentistry. My Life, Times, and Legacy accounts his lifelong commitment and pursuit for excellence, inspiration, and success. Wacky high jinks ensue.

After going through four vivid and lucid dreams where she came face-to-face with Christ and God, [name redacted], Ph.D. learned that by "being love" and living them from the heart, we essentially create heaven on earth. Join her in her journey! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Meet Mad Addie. Lovers find her special; in fact awesome. She gets the best of men; she's clear headed and maintains control of intimate situations. Men who think they've conquered, in the end are themselves conquered. And they love it! Wacky high jinks ensue.
Is that wacky enough for you, Gawker? WELL, IS IT?

Oh, and a repeat of my disclaimer, since it's been a while: It's worth restating that there is nothing wrong with going the for-pay publishing route if you know exactly what you're getting into. But many of the companies with this model are quite scummy, and take advantage of the delusional. I don't care how many ads you take out in the Times, no one is going to buy your book about the previously unknown 13th zodiac sign.

And now The Velvet Blog now returns to its well-appointed mausoleum.