Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Possible names for Sarah Palin's bus trip

--Spasmodical Blistery Tour
--Clavicle Killer Bee Tour
--Classical Liberty Tour
--Baptismal Liturgy Tour
--Radical Pillory Tour
--Mandible Bitterly Tour
--Tactical Glittery Tour

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Leave it to an academic to make porn sound boring

From a Talk of the Town entry in the current edition of The New Yorker:
In 1994, [Clifford J. Scheiner] received a doctorate from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, in California. His dissertation title was "An Annotated Anthology of Erotologically Significant Sexually Explicit Literature Published 1527-1969; or, Little-Known Facts About Well-Known Erotica: A Sociological View of Literature Concerned with Human Sex and Sexuality. ..."

Oh, Clifford. You had me at "erotologically."

Friday, May 27, 2011

Answering the rhetorical questions posed by headlines currently on Google News

Does Sarah Palin's Bus Tour Mean She's Running?
--If I'm driving and she happens to be in front of it, probably yes.

--Will Kim Kardashian's Wedding Be Bigger Than Kate Middleton's?
More important question: Will it be classier?

OK, You're Rich. Now What?
--Yawn. I don't know. Let me go throw another poor person on the fire, and I'll get back to you.

Thanks for clearing that up, Wikipedia!

From Wikipedia's entry on actor/comedian Mike Myers:
Michael John "Mike" Myers (born May 25, 1963) is a Canadian actor, comedian, screenwriter, and film producer of British parentage. He was a long-time cast member on the NBC sketch show Saturday Night Live in the late 1980s and the early 1990s and starred as the title characters in the films Wayne's World, Austin Powers, and the Shrek film series. He is not to be confused with Michael Myers, serial killer from the horror film Halloween.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Return to the Valley of the Nonapology Apologies

So, the rapture didn't happen. Surely Harold Camping, who predicted it, is sorry for predicting the apocalyptic kerfuffle, causing people to run up debt they assumed they wouldn't have to pay, not saving for their kids' college tuition, spending all of their money on ads, and, um, attempting to kill their kids, right?
"If people want me to apologize, I can apologize yes," he told reporters after his speech. "I'm not a genius."

The preacher also added that while so many of his followers donated money--in some cases everything they owned--to his ministry in belief that the world would end last Saturday, they won't get it back.

"Why would we return it?" Camping said, arguing that the world is still going to end in October.
--Daily News

Well, "not a genius" is a start.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Waiting for the end of the world

No, the subject line is not another reference to Harold Camping's whoopsie. My friend Sean and I went to see Elvis Costello in NYC at the Beacon Theatre last night, and that song, which turned up near the end of the set list, kind of sums of Mr. C's world view.

He puts on a great show--he's an affable host (the show had sort of a quasi-game show theme, as audience members--including Mike Myers!--came on stage to spin a giant wheel of song titles) and has boundless energy. Actually, he has more energy than I, as I must cop to ducking out during the last song. Hey, it was getting late (Elvis was on stage for around 2 hours, 40 minutes, and didn't take a break!) and I had a long way to drive. And I'm old (though not quite as old as Elvis).

I didn't take the video embedded above, by the way, but it was obviously shot very close to where we were sitting.

Friday, May 20, 2011


Part 5 of an end-times movie from the '70s. (The whole thing is chopped up on YouTube.) A dorm-mate dragged me to a showing of this sometime around '82. He took it very seriously. I remained unconvinced.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Seen on the bumper sticker on the car in front of me


Sure, Monster-in-Law was disappointing, but that seems harsh.

UPDATE: Since I posted this yesterday, I've gotten several visits from Google searches along the lines of "anti-jane fonda bumper sticker." I find that fascinating. Personally, I try to keep my anger up to date. Now, pardon me while I put that "Disco sucks" sticker on my Edsel.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tastier Than Taste Itself!

As noted a couple of posts ago, my Twitter account has attracted a plague of zombies--followers who mostly post spam links. My latest follower (not you, Fermicat!) is a zombie with a twist: Most of her posts are phrased as come-ons for spam links, but without the actual link. Without their reason for being, the posts seem like a surrealist art project crossed with an inept Zen koan.

I thought I'd share a few so you can share in my bewilderment:

Tastier Than Taste Itself! Salmon Teriyaki
--I'll give this one props for the element of surprise. When I read the first four words, I truly wasn't expecting the final two. So, brava!

Guess What These Two Have In Common James Bond VS Vladimir Putin
--Who are two people who could most likely subdue a Siberian tiger with their bare hands? Who are two people who probably drink a tad more than they ought? Who are two people who have never been in my kitchen?

No Place For Parking? Amazing and truthful
--I'm hoping this involves jet packs. You don't need parking when you have a jet pack: That is both amazing and truthful.

The Funniest Doggy Hairstyle! Notice his style here!
--Oh, if I only could.

Give An Original Happy Birthday Wish! How not to be boring in your congratulations
--You could try talking the hind legs off a donkey. People would not expect that.

Talk the hind legs off a donkey.
--Hey, that was my idea!

A Place For Your Cat Always keep track of your kitty cat
--Note to self: Obtain funding for a GPS-for-cats service. It's a can't miss.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

You asked for it!: The outsourced edition

It's busy-busy-busy at Chez Velvet. Concerned reader God Is My Codependent has stepped in to handle our regular post on weird search terms that have stranded visitors here. Thanks, GIMC!

adorable abominations
--No, we've never done any posts about Rodney Allen Rippy.

sell used seacrest hyperbaric chamber
--A tip: It's worth more if you leave Ryan in it.

activia makes you poop arrow
--I'm not sure I want to poop that much.

is bill gates a virgin
--Only his barber knows.

sexy pauly shore
--I really, really hope there's a new state named Pauly that has nude beaches.

mohammed bacon
--Aisle 4, across from the St. Peter Morning After Pills.

nazi satanists nasa venn diagram
--What is a circle?, Alex.

monkey that looks like a baby
--No! No! You got the joke backwards! The baby looks like a monkey and the punchline is "And how about a banana for your monkey?" For cryin' out loud, people, don't be hanging around the Internet if you can't bring the funny. Sheesh.

Editor's note: Blogger ate the original post and comments. This is not the original post, but an incredible simulation.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Here's looking at you

Yes, it's true: I have a Twitter feed. I'm not proud of this, mind you. Mostly, I use it to pimp posts here, or for the occasional one-liner. (If you don't follow me, I won't be insulted, and you won't be missing much. Or, um, anything.)

Anyway, I point this out only because I've lately been swamped with zombie followers who appear to be using their Twitter accounts to spread spam.

And when I say "zombie followers" ... well, here's one, on the left, and the other isn't following me, but is followed by others who are following me. (Got that? There will be a quiz later.):

Photobucket Photobucket

Is it really easier to Photoshop in glasses and a new background than just steal another head shot for your fake account? Has technology progressed to that point?

Monday, May 02, 2011

Osama bin Laden is dead: So, what's on your mind now, America?

Now that OBL is out of the way, I look forward to our military finally taking down Kelly Ripa.

Seriously, the death of Osama bin Laden is No. 7 of trending topics? Really, more like 8--Mariah Carey's twins ought to count for two.

Oh, P.S.: That's a screenshot of Yahoo's front page at 9 a.m. on Monday.