Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Two Satanic wrongs do not make a rite

Hmm. So, they've remade popular Devil's-out-to-get-us flick The Omen. But what's the point of remaking a widely available film?

Wouldn't it make more sense to remake a bad film and try to make it better? Say, oh, I dunno ... Manos: The Hands of Fate?

Let's take a look and decide:

Nope. No way you're going to improve on that sucker.

(Yes, this entire post was simply in service to that horrible pun in the subject line. My apologies. Really.)

(Oh, and yes, I own a copy of Manos; you can get a cheap copy off Amazon. The next time the subject of bad movies comes up and someone says Plan 9 From Outer Space is the worst movie of all time, please correct them.)

Return of the son of the cousin of more photoblogging

At a local park, where Freddie likes to go for a run:

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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Friday, May 26, 2006

Perfectly stated

Mark at the Biomes Blog already linked to this absolutely dead-on post by Glenn Greenwald, but it's so good, I wanted a link here, too.

None of my dopey gags today.

Have a good long weekend, everyone.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The inevitableness of inevitability

In preparing to get a new passport yesterday, I had in my hands my photo from 10 years ago and a new photo.

All I can say is, in the last 10 years, I have aged at least a decade.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Predictions for what will happen on the season finale of Lost tonight

--Weird stuff will happen without any clear explanation
--Cast members will look as if they need a good, long shower
--I will still be glad they killed off Ana Lucia
--The owls are not what they appear seem

OK, that last one was supposed to be an in-joke for Twin Peaks fans ... yet the phrase generates a grand total of four Google hits. How is that possible? Am I remembering it wrong, or has every TP fan disappeared?

UPDATE: Ah, it's seem, not appear.

Venn Diagram of the Day

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Other things Madonna could do to provoke a bored public

Madonna has enraged Christian leaders after appearing crucified on stage during her new tour. On the first night of her Confessions tour in Los Angeles on Sunday the Material Girl mounted a 20 foot high mirrored crucifix and sang her song "Live To Tell." The Church of England is furious with the stunt, accusing Madonna of abusing religious imagery. A Church spokesperson says, "Is Madonna prepared to take on everything else that goes with wearing a crown of thorns? And why would someone with so much talent seem to feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?" Madonna upset the Catholic church in 1989 when burning crosses and a black Jesus appeared in the video for hit single "Like A Virgin." --IMDB

--In concert, bite the head off a chicken on even-numbered days, a bat on odd-numbered days
--Give birth to child No. 3, Wombapalooza, on stage
--Impale herself on a leftover Blonde Ambition conical bra
--Release a listenable CD

Film or TV titles that sound better with the word "monkey" in them

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I didn't like YouTube at first ...

There's an awful lot of crap (Sturgeon's Revelation at work). But when you really search around, there are some jewels.

A great Nilsson performance:

Friday, May 19, 2006

Bad places to be naked

--On the sun, unless wearing SPF 1,270,000 sunblock
--School on yearbook-photo day
--Your trial for public nudity

UPDATE: On a plane headed to Edinburgh, en route to a court hearing, where you're about to challenge four contempt-of-court citations for public nudity in Scotland.

And another thing ...

"da Vinci" was not his last name, for pete's sake. It just means "of Vinci," where he was from. Would you refer to Catherine of Aragon as "Aragon"? Huh?? Would you?? Would you???

The damn thing ought to be The Leonardo Code.

And Tom Hanks's hair looks freaking weird.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Oh, go @&#! a duck

Yes, yes, yes. I've complained about Mallard Fillmore before. It's the widely syndicated right-wing comic strip that is stultifyingly unfunny.

But what the hell does the strip below even mean?

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Can anyone explain it?

While I certainly favor the liberal side of the political spectrum, I have no problem with the existence of a conservative comic. Knock yourself out. But shouldn't there be some--indeed any--evidence of humor?

Lesson: Don't believe everything you read

So, I was looking for Chaucer quotations for yesterday's "If sock monkeys were ..." post. And I found a page with a bunch of them, and it doesn't appear to be a wiki.

But halfway down the page is this:

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Canterbury Tales, Wife of Bath's Prologue

Not very Chaucerian, eh?

So I ran a search on the quote, and it seems to be by Scottish comedian Billy Connelly.

What an odd mix-up.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Chaucer

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Billy Connelly

Ah, now I see where the confusion comes from.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

If sock monkeys wrote "The Canterbury Tales"

Thanne is it wysdom, as it thynketh me,
To maken vertu of necessitee,
And take it weel, that we may nat eschue;
And namely, that to us alle is due.

Now, giveth me thy banana.

I wish Blogger used tags, so all sock monkey posts (and Handy Visual Guides, Smackdowns, and other recurring features) could be in one place.

But since it doesn't, here's a rundown:

If sock monkeys were White House press secretaries
... gave State of the Union addresses
... were Freudian psychoanalysts
... were hypnotists
... wrote haiku
... were blowhard television pundits

Boy, can I run a gag into the ground, or what?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

By coincidence, all these songs are on my mixtape titled "I'd Rather Die Than Listen to These Songs Again"

From Snopes:

According to a 2002 poll of co-op funeral directors in Britain, the ten most requested pop songs at funeral services are:
1. Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler)
2. My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion)
3. I Will Always Love You (Whitney Houston)
4. Simply the Best (Tina Turner)
5. Angels (Robbie Williams)
6. You'll Never Walk Alone (Gerry & the Pacemakers)
7. Candle in the Wind (Elton John)
8. Unchained Melody (The Righteous Brothers)
9. Bridge Over Troubled Water (Simon & Garfunkel)
10. Time to Say Goodbye (Sarah Brightman)

Only kidding when it comes to "Bridge Over Troubled Water." It's a great song--actually, it's the only recording on the list that I like--but I wouldn't want it played at my funeral. Too sad.

On the other hand:
That same 2002 poll of co-op funeral directors in Britain identified the following as the ten most-requested quirky pop songs:
1. Smoke Gets in Your Eyes (The Platters)
2. Another One Bites the Dust (Queen)
3. Theme from ITN's Ten O'Clock News
4. She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain (Various)
5. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (Wham)
6. YMCA (Village People)
7. I Wanna Be Like You (from the Disney film The Jungle Book)
8. Run Rabbit Run (Flanagan & Allen)
9. Firestarter (The Prodigy)
10. Atmosphere (Russ Abbot)

People are weird.

So, any thoughts as to what you do or don't want played at your funeral?

UPDATE: I can't come up with a song I'd like. I was leaning toward Jane Siberry's "Love Is Everyhing," but I've decided it's too downbeat. Weird Al's "Another One Rides the Bus" seemed wrong, too.

Instead, I will arrange for a screening of the Mary Tyler Moore episode "Chuckles Bites the Dust." It's a classic.

Monday, May 15, 2006

I hereby declare this the single of the summer

Yeah, I know summer's weeks away, but still.

I can't get Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" out of my head. And the video's cool, too:

Sometimes the mind plays tricks

I was looking at the headlines on Google News, and I misread "Bush Nominates General as New CIA Director" as "Bush Nominates General as New CIA Dictator."

Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true.

Friday, May 12, 2006

More bad ideas for ice cream flavors

Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan"--the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence. The ice cream, available only in the United States, is based on an ale and stout drink of the same name. "Any reference on our part to the British Army unit was absolutely unintentional and no ill-will was ever intended," said a Ben & Jerry's spokesman. --Reuters

--Pol Pot Pistachio
--Shining Peanut Butter Path
--Brownshirt Brownie

What is there to say about the latest NSA disclosures...

...when Firesign Theatre said it best 35 years ago?

(Wait for it--page takes a few seconds to load.)

(Oh, and if you don't have Firesign's Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him, well, you really should.)

(And I found that sound bite here.)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

You lilac a rug

Well, I thought the huge bush in my yard was a French lilac, but now that I've looked it up online, I'm not so sure. The flower looks a little different. Anyway, it's pretty and smells wonderful.

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No, I don't know what the title of this post means, either.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A nice pear

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Is there a better piece of fruit than a ripe, juicy pear?

No, there is not.

What's that you say? You prefer apples?

Well, my pear can kick your apple's ass.

(Note: Do not stare at my tablecloth too closely, as it can induce dizziness.)

Please send money

Ever wonder what kind of person falls for those Nigerian E-mail scams? Read this New Yorker article.

It's amazing what greed can do.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Everything sounds sexier in Italian

I have no clue why, but someone in Rome ran a Google translation on The Velvet Blog today. And you what? It makes just as little sense in Italian as it does in English.

But, oh, does it sound much more romantic.

Guida Visiva PraticaTM per la distinzione fra la pancetta affumicata, la pancetta affumicata canadese ed il prosciutto canadese

Image hosted by Pancetta affumicata

Image hosted by Pancetta affumicata canadese

Image hosted by Prosciutto canadese

Even William Shatner wouldn't mind being called prosciutto, would he?

Three things that would be more compelling to watch than David Blaine attempting to hold his breath for nine minutes

--Watching paint dry on David Blaine
--Observing grass grow on David Blaine
--Waiting for a pot to boil on David Blaine

BTW, anyone up for joining a class-action suit against ABC for false advertising? "Drowned Alive" my ass. It just sounded better than "David Blaine Gets Prune Hands."

Sunday, May 07, 2006

What better way to honor the people of Bolivia?

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From the New York Times Style magazine, May 7, p. 28:
THESE LITTLE TUBERS HAVE A SILVER LINING Inspired by that indigenous Andean staple, these sterling silver potato bowls by Surevolution ... are hand-hammered in Bolivia. $5,500 (top) and $4,400 at Donna Karan ...

Bolivia is the poorest country in South America and the third poorest in Latin America, after Haiti and Nicaragua. Average income per head in 2003 was just $900 (£525).

Putting aside the obscene expense for a moment, is it just me or does the top one look more like a pod from Invasion of the Body Snatachers than a potato?

Friday, May 05, 2006

Little-known fact #267

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Mount Rushmore was carved by a giant.

Up, up, and away

A post over on about the president denying that he sang the the national anthem in Spanish at campaign events, combined with the brouhaha over Stephen Colbert's recent appearance at the dinner for the White House Correspondents' Association, reminded me of something that happened in the early '70s.

When Nixon was in office, the 5th Dimension was invited to the White House and chose to sing their musical version of the Delaration of Independence. (Yes, they really recorded this. It's, um, not particularly good, but you can listen to a sample here. It's on disk 2.)

The story goes that some in the administration saw this as inappropriate and downright dangerous. You know, lines like:

That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Revolutionary, eh?

Anyway, Nixon eventually signed off on the performance, deeming it "patriotic."

I wonder if Bush would.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Incidents about which it is "too soon" to make a motion picture

--How I spilled coffee this morning while pouring it into a Thermos
--How I pulled dandelions out of the back yard yesterday, and they've already grown back
--How I wrote a blog post regarding incidents about which it is too soon to make a motion picture

Monday, May 01, 2006

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What Kaavya Viswanathan is writing next

How Holden Mehta Rankled the Phonies: Cynical teenager is expelled from prep school just before Diwali and winds up in a mental hospital.

Mehta-Dick: "Call me Ishwar ..."

Gone With the Samosas: Scarlett O'Mehta struggles to get by on her mango plantation after India's independence from Britain.

(I'm realizing now the point of this joke might be a little obscure to those outside of publishing. So, you can read this.)