Thursday, June 26, 2008

What about the right to arm bears?

Huh? What about that?

(This rundown of the Supreme Court's decision is worth reading.)

The angels wanna wear my red shoes

The devil may wear Prada -- but the pope does not. According to the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, the bright red loafers that Pope Benedict XVI wears are not designed by the Milanese fashion house, as has long been rumored. ...

L'Osservatore Romano said the pope's interest in clothes has nothing to do with fashion and everything to do with liturgy -- what symbolism traditional garments can bring to the Christian liturgy.

"The pope, therefore, does not wear Prada, but Christ," L'Osservatore said.
--The Associated Press (Warning: Photo may sear retinas or frighten small, Christmas-loving children.)

I was raised Catholic, so I understand the concept of transubstantiation. But I don't recall J.C. saying "Wear me."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I guess it could be worse. It could be Fox News.

There's a widescreen, flat-panel TV in my employer's lobby. The receptionist has MSNBC on the entire workday, every day.

That much cable news sounds like some sort of diabolical mind-control experiment to me.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Slam of the Day

Which might sum up “The Love Guru” in its entirety but only at the risk of grievously understating the movie’s awfulness. A whole new vocabulary seems to be required. To say that the movie is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. ... No, “The Love Guru” is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.

And this is, come to think of it, something of an achievement. What is the opposite of a belly laugh? An interesting question, in a way, and to hear lines like “I think I just made a happy wee-wee” or “I’m making diarrhea noises in my cup” or to watch apprentice gurus attack one another with urine-soaked mops is to grasp the answer. --
The New York Times


I think Mike Myers' first Austin Powers is inspired silliness. It makes me laugh, and yes, I have the DVD. But the second AP was so unfunny I didn't even see the third.

BONUS SLAM UPDATE: From Slate's review:
There are good movies. There are bad movies. There are movies so bad they're good (though, strangely, not the reverse). And once in a while there is a movie so bad that it takes you to a place beyond good and evil and abandons you there, shivering and alone.

Boy, they're really sharpening their knives for this one.

Monday, June 16, 2008

You know you want it

I got an e-mail today with the subject line: Vicodin: you know you want it.

And I thought, brother, you don't know the half of it.

A rerun of the very first The Velvet Blog post, from June 14, 2004. The traditional gift for a fourth anniversary is either flowers or fruit; the modern equivalent is an appliance. TVB will leave it up to you. TVB has had a hankering from ripe pineapple lately. And does a Prius count as an appliance? Because, if so, The Velvet Blog thinks the Prius looks great in green.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Three rejected titles for Denise Richards: It's Complicated

--Denise Richards: You Can Actually Feel Your Brain Cells Dying
--Denise Richards: The Horror ... the Horror ...
--Denise Richards: Smarter Than the Average Bear Mongoose Doorknob Oh, Forget It

Friday, June 13, 2008


The last line of this story works as a perfectly delivered punchline.

I don't know why M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening is getting such bad reviews

The trailer looks great, and Mark Wahlberg really stretches here:

(I apologize for this post, but every time I see the commercial for that movie, I think of this.)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

On the downside, the Eagles are touring again; on the upside, we're all going to live to be 120

"Long Road Out of Eden" is, in its way, an honest album. Reclaiming, sometimes imitating, the sound of the 1970s Eagles, the album is the wistful and bilious work of middle-aged songwriters -- [Glenn] Frey is 59 and Don Henley is 60 -- who are thinking about fading possibilities and angry at the state of the world. --The New York Times

Monday, June 09, 2008

Create-an-animated-film Mad Libs

In [location, preferably exotic], during [time period], a motherless [animal, preferably one that would look good in the form of a plush toy or on the side of a Happy Meal box] goes on a journey in order to connect with his or her his indifferent father. The main character, voiced by [trendy male star], is accompanied by a [different animal], voiced by [another trendy male star, preferably a comedian]. Main character is notable for his ability to excel at [leisure activity, preferably one thought of as an "extreme" sport]. This comes in handy when the villain, a [scary or unpleasant animal] voiced by [a slumming A-list star, male or female], attacks using a mob made up of [small animals, generally not considered scary or unpleasant]. Indifferent father witnesses attack and comes to realize his son was right all along.

If any of you use this formula to write and sell an animated film, by reading this post you hereby agree to give The Velvet Blog 20% of the net proceeds.

Friday, June 06, 2008

And I hear he wore a cobra snake for necktie

Where would popular music be without the Bo Diddley beat?

WFUV played a long set of songs the other night in honor of the late Mr. Diddley -- a mix of his originals and tracks done in his style by other performers -- and it was remarkable just how many people have (cough, cough) borrowed his signature sound.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Pros and cons of flying a kite in the park

--Today's kites are easier to fly than the ones you remember from childhood

--Surprisingly easy to let go for a moment
--Running after kite, trying to grab for the string as it dangles just out of reach, turns the whole endeavor suddenly much less relaxing
--Noting that kite flies itself for a good 20 minutes while string is caught in a tall tree is rather humbling

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The Velvet Blog's ATFAQs (answers to frequently asked questions)

--An isosceles triangle.
--Wow. I'm pretty sure that's not physically possible. Have you tried "Savage Love"?
--Monkey pox.