Death at a funeral

It all started after a really bad breakup. I moved to Minneapolis to get away and clear my head and, by a total fluke, got a job as an associate news producer at a local TV station. My boss was a lovable lug and the anchorman a blowhard and my upstairs neighbor a weight-obsessed Brooklynite and ... well, here I am blathering on and getting away from my point.

So, there was this clown, Knuckles, who hosted a children's show at the station, and, during a public appearance at a circus while dressed as a peanut, a rogue elephant tried to shell him. I know, crazy, right? Anyway, he was totally killed, and it was really sad, and I got mad at my co-workers when they started giggling at the absurdity of it. It was super inappropriate.

Then, at the funeral, the strangest thing happened--during the eulogy, I couldn't stop laughing. Uncontrollably. Seriously, I was shaking. And when the minister pointed out that Knuckles would have wanted it that way, well, then I couldn't stop sobbing, because Knuckles was dead, struck down by an elephant who thought that poor clown was a huge, mutant legume, and, man, that's just so sad.

And speaking of dead, it's been kind of creeping up on me that, after going on six years, The Velvet Blog is dressed as a peanut and there's a rogue elephant here. Oh, it could be worse. The blog could be dressed as a banana and be peeled by a gorilla--that would be worse. Still, though, this blog is dead. And I'd like to think that somewhere up there tonight, behind those pearly gates ... in the Great Beyond, where someday all must go ... somewhere up there tonight, in honor of The Velvet Blog, a celestial choir of angels is sitting on whoopie cushions.



P.S.: I assume that at some point I'll get the urge to do something online, but it will be in some form other than The Velvet Blog. If that happens, I'll post a link here.

Meanwhile, if you'd like to stay in touch, my e-mail address is on my profile page. I'm also on Facebook--go on and friend me, why don't you? (I mostly just post links to music and news stories there. I guarantee you will never get updates on Farmville or Mafia Wars.)

Now, won't you join me in a chorus of "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"?


cf.

Keep looking--I'm sure it's in there somewhere

From The Colbert Report last week, with the Bush administration's Mary Matalin as guest:

Colbert: First question: Why are you wearing a cross? You know Jesus preached social justice. Makes you look like a commie.

Matalin: Yes, he did. He also preached, teach them how to fish. Not give them a fish, right? You don't work, you don't eat.

Colbert: He said, "I will make you fishers of men." I don't think Jesus said, "If you don't work, you don't eat." I think that was Cool Hand Luke.

Rather than Cool Hand Luke, methinks the crazy lady with the huge cross is getting Jesus mixed up with Confucius--though the old adage "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime" is more likely a generic proverb than anything Confucius said.

Poking around the Net leads me to conclude that lots of people think it comes from the New Testament, though that saying is pretty darned un-Jesusy.

Take this Yahoo query:

What verse in the bible says this:?

Give a man to fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime

I know its in there. I need it for my bible study group.

Likewise here. And a bunch of people arguing over it here. And a few people here.

As the Bible says, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." Or, wait ... was it Samuel Butler? Albert Einstein? Ben Franklin? George Carlin? Pogo?

Oh, never mind--someone said it, and that's what counts.

Happy 79th b-day, Captain

I guess I should be happier than I am

It's a far-from-perfect piece of legislation.

On the upside, though, Rush Limbaugh will now be moving to Costa Rica. (Sorry, Ticos.)

Friday Random 10

Random 10, March 19, 2010

Cablevision Sucks, Part 382: Based on the Novel "Cablevision Sucks" by Sapphire

As noted earlier, Cablevision sucks.

A few weeks ago, the area's cable monopoly was warring with the also-sucky ABC. The upshot was that we lost the network the day of the Oscars. (And despite the fact that service was restored about 15 minutes into the Oscar telecast, there were no messages that, hey, service got turned on again, so I missed it anyway.)

As a form of apology, I guess, Cablevision sent subscribers an e-mail the day of the Oscars offering a free pay-per-view movie that evening. I tried several times to watch something--anything--and got an error message each time.

I e-mailed the company, asking for a credit, and finally heard back today. Let's take a look at the response (bolding mine):

Dear Valued Customer,

It would be easy enough to insert your name into form letter boilerplate, but, really, we couldn't be bothered.

Thank you for contacting Cablevision. We’re pleased to have reached an agreement allowing for the return of ABC programming to the three million New York area homes. We are very grateful to our customers for their support and your patience is appreciated.

Um. Your welcome? But that's not what I asked about.

In 2009, many new channels and services were added to our lineup, including MSG Varsity, ...

I don't watch sports.

News 12 HD, ...

Local news? Well, OK. But I don't really need to see it in high def.

Fox Business network, ...

You're just taunting me now, right?

CBS College Sports, ...

Did I mention that don't-give-a-crap-about-sports thing? So if you're making me pay for this, and you are, that's not winning me over.

Smithsonian,...

OK, that I might watch, though oddly I don't remember seeing this in my channel lineup.

Style, Boomerang, Big Ten Network HD and MSNBC HD.

No, what?, don't give a crap, meh.

OK, now let's get to the part where you tell me I get a credit for the movie you offered and then didn't have the infrastructure to actually provide:

Just as your monthly fees are not adjusted upward each time a new channel is introduced,...

Every other?

we are not issuing credits for the short period we were not carrying ABC or for the outage experienced during the free Video On Demand promotional offer.

Shorter form letter: "Dear Customer: Fuck you."

Sincerely,

Kathy
Shared Services

Sincerely, Cablevision, you suck.

Oh, stop crying and get back to work, you big baby

From Google News:

"If irritation develops, reduce frequency or discontinue use"? That also goes for Lady Gaga.

This Ralph Lauren cologne writeup on Amazon has a surprising product description--and given the product description, an equally surprising safety warning:

Product Description
Inara George and Greg Kurstin, a.k.a. the bird and the bee, have collected fans and critical accolades since the release of their self titled debut in January '07. The band has been busy ever since with non-stop touring and promotion all over the globe. All the while the band continued to write and record wherever they found themselves. --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.

Safety Information
For external use only. Avoid contact with eyes. Keep away from naked flame or direct heat sources. Do not apply to sensitive skin. Do not apply to broken or inflamed skin. If irritation develops, reduce frequency or discontinue use.

Meanwhile, I eagerly await Ralph Lauren's upcoming album of Hall & Oates covers.

I'll have that on a nice poppy seed bagel, perhaps with a schmear

From an Associated Press story on David Beckham's injuries:

The former England captain was injured in the closing minutes of AC Milan's 1-0 win over Chievo Verona on Sunday. He was on his second loan to the Italian club from Major League Soccer's Lox Angeles Galaxy.

Must have gone out wrong in AP's feed--it's "Lox" everywhere.

A public service

Concerned reader God Is My Codependent, a medical editor, shared with me his displeasure with the less-than-mellifluous abbreviation HAFSATB, which stands for Health Assessment for the Symptoms of Active Tuberculosis. I took this into the TVB Labs in order to improve it, and came up with HATRED: Health Assessment for Tuberculosis. Ready, Everybody? Die! I'm happy to report that God is already putting this into practice.

I've decided that I may try to branch out into abbreviation/acronym improvement in other areas. If you have one in your field of expertise that you'd like reworked, do let me know.

Friday Random 10

Random 10, March 12, 2010

First track makes this sort of NSFW. Sorry.


NOTE: Counting is not my strong suit.