In an alternate universe, however, this would have been funny to at least four or five people

I heard on the radio this morning that Tony Curtis died. As Eddie Fisher passed away just the other day, I came up with what I thought was a pretty funny line: "If I had ever slept with Debbie Reynolds, I'd be really, really concerned right now." Because Reynolds had been married to Fisher and, I thought, Curtis--or that they had at least been a couple. But when I looked it up to confirm, I found out I was wrong: Not only were Reynolds and Curtis never married, they were never even involved.

So, basically, I've got nothing.

Also, for the record, I have never slept with Debbie Reynolds. Or Tony Curtis.

Dept. of corrections

Looking over the vast archives of this blog, I realized that I made a mistake back in this 2004 entry, entitled "Innovative idea for election reform":

Each state picks an official Election Monkey. All 50 Election Monkeys are locked in a room with jumbo-size photos of the candidates. Winner is the candidate whose photo has the least poop thrown at it after a set time period (say, one hour).

First of all, we should have the actual candidates--not photos--in the room with the monkeys. And, second, the winner is the candidate who has the most poop thrown at him or her.

The Velvet Blog regrets the error.

The Velvet Blog's prediction of what will be in the food baskets for contestants in the next episode of the Food Network's Chopped competition

Appetizer course: Organic greens; durian; TV Guide's Fall Preview issue; seat cushions for my patio furniture; black salt

Main course: Holographic image of a salami; green onions; something the cat dragged in; salmon roe; 1984 Yugo*

Dessert: Turbinado sugar; cement-entombed corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, dug up from Giant Stadium; chocolate shavings; quail eggs; chevre; the contents of Mario Batali's medicine cabinet


*Note: Must use whole car.

Best headlines about British politician Ed Balls

Ed Balls rocks out on the drums (really)

Balls message of hope to stammerers

Boris Johnson knows he has to be a very detached Tory: The mayor of London is cuddling up to Ed Balls ...

Balls to lose?

Why the Labour Left should support Ed Balls

Ed Balls: I appeal to the heart and the head

Go fly a kite

From the Times:

KABUL, Afghanistan — It was an engaging idea.

Hundreds of children would gather on the iconic Nader Khan Hill in the capital, Kabul, on a gorgeous Friday in September and fly kites emblazoned with slogans lauding the rule of law and equality for women. The kites, along with copies of the Afghan Constitution and justice-themed comic books, would be gifts of the United States, part of a $35 million effort “to promote the use of Afghanistan’s formal justice system.”

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

I just said that.

... For starters, Afghan policemen hijacked the event, stealing dozens of kites for themselves and beating children with sticks when they crowded too close to the kite distribution tent. To be fair, the children were a little unruly, but they were also small.

Ha, ha! Because it's fun to get snarky when discussing the beating of children by police. New York Times, can I remind you that you're not a blog?

... Asked why one of his officers was loading his truck with kites, Maj. Farouk Wardak, head of the criminal investigation division of the 16th Police District, said, “It’s okay, he’s not just a policeman, he’s my bodyguard.”

Glad to see the American influence is truly rubbing off in Afghanistan.

The District 16 police chief, Col. Haji Ahmad Fazli, insisted on taking over from the American contractors the job of passing out the kites. He denied that his men were kite thieves. “We are not taking them,” he said. “We are flying them ourselves.”

At least he had not lost sight of the event’s goal. “It is so people can understand the rule of law, and it lets the kids get together instead of wandering on the streets,” he said.

This is reminding me more and more of the midterm electons.

... Most [kites] bore messages about the importance of gender equality, but there was hardly a girl with a kite, although plenty of girls were around. One DPK [the contractor handling the event] staff member pushed through the crowd to give 10-year-old Shaqila Nabi a kite; her sister Farzana, 8, had wanted one, too, but a policeman had just swung at her with a stick and she had darted out of harm’s way, and out of sight.

Shaqila raced back to her father, Gul Nabi, a horse wrangler peddling rides. He promptly took the kite and gave it to a boy.

“He is my son and he should get the kite,” he said.

In other words, the event was a success.

... Mike Sheppard, the DPK project head, pronounced the event a success.

I just said that.

“We just gave out a thousand kites in 20 minutes,” he said.

Which is kind of like saying a hot-tub party on the set of Jersey Shore was a success because they passed out a thousand STDs.

Cocktail of the day

I don't know about you, but I'm in the mood for a Monkey Gland.

Suggestions for David Fincher's next movie

--A look into the origin of LOLcats
--Three-hour biopic of that "Leave Britney alone!" guy
--Musical based on "Chocolate Rain"
--Or, perhaps, something more serious

Rubber, glue, etc., etc.

Quotation of the day, on the attempt to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell":

"This is a blatant political ploy in order to try to galvanize the political base of the other side, which is facing a losing election." --Sen. John McCain

Quotation of the day, corrected to refer to the filibuster of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell":

"This is a blatant political ploy in order to try to galvanize the political base of the other side, which is facing a losing election." --Sen. John McCain

What's on your mind, America?

It's been so, so long since we last went wading in the search keyword swimming hole for The Velvet Blog. Let's get our feet wet, shall we?

how much does 800 lb gorilla weigh
I'm bad with numbers, but I'm going to guess 900 pounds. You know, give or take.

young cheery
Boy, have you come to the wrong place. Try old and crabby.

what is that velvet blog
A riddle wrapped inside an enigma, deep fried in canola oil till the enigma is golden brown.

paul potts killed
Was it the atrocities in Cambodia or his classical crossover album?

deborah norville's dirty secret
She killed Paul Potts.

how long after activia will i poop?
RUN!!!

we will drink no wine before its time
It's time, people. It's time.

I, for one, welcome our new teabag overlords

Election Day is weeks away, but while the primary wins by far-right nutjobs gave me a momentary glimmer of hope that the teabag-associated candidates will be unelectable in the general election, this small flame was snuffed out this morning by Andrew Cuomo, the Democrat running for governor in New York.

The Republican candidate, Carl Paladino, is ... oh, how do I say this? ... oh, right, insane.

Cuomo, rather than pointing out that Paladino is a resident of Crazytown, has decided to suspend his campaign, apparently. From the New York Times this morning:

"I don't know Mr. Paladino, and I don't think my characterization is all that relevant or appropriate, you know? ... That's why we have a democracy. That's why we have elections. And the people of the state are going to tell you what they think. And they'll listen to positions and they'll read words and then they'll render a judgment. ..."

No. No, they won't. They will turn on the Fox Propaganda Network and listen to Paladino expound on why New York's Welfare recipients should live in prison dorms and be taught personal hygiene and think, "Well, that makes sense."

Mr. Cuomo would not venture an opinion on racist and pornographic e-mails that Mr. Paladino had forwarded to friends, which led a parade of his fellow Democrats, including Gov. David A. Paterson, to denounce Mr. Paladino as unfit for office.

"'Racist' and 'bigoted' are loaded concepts and loaded words," Mr. Cuomo said, noting that Mr. Paladino had described the messages later as inappropriate. "They're his e-mails. I'll leave them to his characterization, and for other people to make."

Earth to Cuomo: You ARE "other people."

Even seemingly mundane questions elicited elliptical responses.

Should voters see Mr. Cuomo as the head of his party's ticket?

"What does the head of a ticket look like?" Mr. Cuomo mused, taking the question literally.

"The door is a jar?" he added. "Is it a door or a jar? Do I walk through it or spoon out its contents for toast? That's not rhetorical--I really don't know."

Should people view Mr. Cuomo, an incumbent state official and the son of a former governor, as the true outsider?

"Inside, outside, upside down," Mr. Cuomo said in his trademark singsong. "You know, I don't know what that means."

I'll tell you what it means: You've already lost.



PS: Am I blogging again? What is a blog? Blog. Blog. Blog, blog, blog. I don't know what that means. What a funny word! Blog! Hahahahaha!


UPDATE: The Times is reading The Velvet Blog.