Postcard of the Day

Night View of the Empire State Building. (Click to enlarge.)

Vanity of vanities

Second in an occasional series in which we improve depressing (or odd) descriptions of vanity press books advertised in The New York Times Book Review by adding the phrase "Wacky high jinks ensue" at the end of them. All ad copy verbatim (except for the high jinks) from the Nov. 25 issue.

Overcoming George. My depression era family was dominated by my stepfather, George the womanizer, who drank and swore too much and was obsessed with sex. Dad committed suicide, mom was an alcoholic, and the struggle to overcome this situation took effort and perseverance. Wacky high jinks ensue.

A Time of My Life. Norene grew up on a Texas farm during the Great Depression. She went to college--then became a school teacher, dance teacher, television and night club performer, all at the same time. With many pictures included, this book shows Norene truly had the time of her life! Wacky high jinks ensue.

Surviving General Motors With Multiple Sclerosis. [The author] was a proud employee of GM, but when she was harassed and threatened by racist, sexist co-workers, GM failed to respond. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Things You Should Know About Teeth. The book summarizes the key-points about teeth that everyone should know as good general knowledge which vitally forms the first-step toward dental prevention. Wacky high jinks ensue.

Dental prevention? Sounds like a thoughtful Christmas gift.

Suggestion for Hollywood

Given my great recent success coming up with concepts for TV shows, I've decided to branch out into film.

Here's my first idea: Denzel Washington should change the name of his new film, The Great Debaters, to The Master Debaters.

I'm not exactly sure why--I just can't quite put my finger on it. But it sounds like the kind of film that I might watch. Late at night. Maybe on cable.

Hmmm. My subconcious is obviously making some sort of connection here, God only knows what. But I have to learn to trust my instincts if I'm going to make it in Tinseltown.

Book 'em

Concerned reader God Is My Codependent and I have been discussing the new Amazon Kindle, a pricey new e-book device.

I like the idea of an e-book. But this isn't gonna fly.

An e-book that can display PDFs--say, copyright-free books from Project Gutenberg and Wowio and the like--as well as downloaded purchased books from any source would be wonderful. (Can my eyes read books purchased from Amazon as well as the used book store two towns over? Last time I checked, yes. And and an e-book should do likewise.) Picture something like an iPod that you could easily sync up to your computer and move books and periodicals on and off. That would be cool. But $400 for a device that only displays proprietary works protected by digital rights management (meaning I can't give or loan purchased e-books to anyone)? They've got to be kidding me.

Here's a good look at the issues involved in e-books. (Via Pharyngula.)

Three rules

--Do not go out of your way to make a pun, and then follow it up with "No pun intended."

You've created a pun--you even might say you have a pun in the oven*--so own up to it.

*Pun intended.

--Do not invent tortured acronyms. Also, do not use as the first word of your acronym the word that the acronym spells out. This was in a news story I read recently: "Smart Antenna RF Test Alliance (SMART)."

No, that's not SMART. It's SARFTA. And it's STUPID (Stupid Tortured Unhelpful Piddly Initials are Dumb).

--Don't say "No offense, but" just before you say something that's obviously intended to offend. For example, "No offense, but screw you."

If you do that, well, no offense, but screw you.

Wait ... actually, that one's sort of satisfying. Never mind.

What's wrong with this picture?

I took my dog, Freddie, to the N.Y. Tech campus nearby to run around and chase squirrels the other day. I snapped a picture of the trees with their vivid autumn foliage and thought it would be perfect for enlarging and framing.

At first glance, when I looked at the resulting shot on my computer screen, it was quite beautiful. Orange and yellow leaves clinging to half-bare branches, and a thick carpet of them on the ground.

Then I took a closer look and realized I had also taken a picture of Freddie in the middle of pooping.

It's almost Thanksgiving ...

You know what that means: It's time to rerun the post on my Scottish grandma's oatmeal stuffing recipe:

My mom used to make her mom's oatmeal stuffing every Thanksgiving. Since my sister took over T-day duties and doesn't like the oatmeal stuffing (she makes the bread variety), well, I miss it a lot. The stuffing's not bad in a chicken--I've done it--but somehow it's tastier in a turkey.

The recipe is simplicity itself: Saute a chopped medium onion (or, if you're feeling fancy, a big shallot) and rib of celery in oil. Add salt and pepper and two cups of oatmeal rolled oats or quick-cooking oats and continue sauteing until the oatmeal gets toasty. Then stuff the turkey. (Obviously, you can cut this in half for a chicken. Or bake it in a covered dish alongside the bird with some chicken stock to keep it moist.)

That's it.

Maybe you had to grow up with this to love it, but I do.

News quiz

Who said the following? Whoever would say something like this would obviously make a better president than Constitution-trampling W!

When the Founders drafted the Constitution, they had a clear understanding of tyranny. They also had a clear idea about how to prevent it from ever taking root in America. Their solution was to separate the government's powers into three co-equal branches: the executive, the legislature, and the judiciary. Each of these branches plays a vital role in our free society. Each serves as a check on the others. And to preserve our liberty, each must meet its responsibilities -- and resist the temptation to encroach on the powers the Constitution accords to others. ... The President's oath of office commits him to do his best to "preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States." I take these words seriously.

Amen.

Wait .... the president said that? Embarking on a comedy tour, I guess, and working on new material.


(I saw the quote on another blog today, but darned if I can remember which. I thought it was T-bogg and was going to link, but nope. So, a hat tip to whomever. UPDATE: It was Greenwald.)

Quotation of the Day

I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your head suit. --Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) on 30 Rock

Funny, funny episode last night. You can watch full eps of 30 Rock online. Last night's is a good place to start--probably the best of the season so far.

UPDATE: It's been pointed out to me that I'm not supporting the writers strike by linking to NBC's site.

So go download it illegally instead.

You go, writers!

A fine dive

Hey, I have a couple readers around Nashville, right?

The wonderful, Nashville-based pop duo Swan Dive is doing a free show at the Nashville Public Library this Saturday. Expect lots of bossa nova--the band's most recent album, Until, is all Brazilian-inspired.

Tell them The Velvet Blog sent you. They won't know what that means, but tell them anyway. Oh, and ask that they play "One Sided."

My prediction of what the lyrics will be for the love theme from Beowulf

Beowulf!
Beowulf!
Everyone
Loves a wulf!