I suspect the little red-haired girl was involved

In the news:

The head of Office Depot Inc.'s international division was fired, effective Monday, for having an "improper relationship" with a co-worker, the company said.

Office Depot said the fired executive was Charlie Brown. It did not identify the other employee or describe that person's job title or fate. --Yahoo

What a blockhead.

Kindle, the great leveler, or: The Velvet Blog goes NSFW

While I always peruse the New York Times Book Review best-seller list on Sundays, I never really paid much attention to the Kindle best-seller list until I got a Kindle. Now I do, and, boy, is it odd.

I'm not entirely clear on what's involved, but I gather that anyone can post a book for downloading to Kindles and charge what he or she wants--many of these self-published e-books are 99 cents. This leads to some truly bizarre pairings of items on the list.

What inspired this post was the juxtaposition last night of the much-hyped Ron Suskind book Confidence Men at #38 and something called Bent Over, by Gia Blue, at #39.

Suskind's book, about the Obama administration, has been unavoidable of late--discussion of it has been on op-ed pages everywhere, and the author himself has been flogging it indefatigably on TV.

Oh, and speaking of flogging, what exactly is Bent Over?

Let's turn to the description on Amazon's page:

Preacher’s kid Becca Naughton has done it now, she’s been called down to the dean’s office for yet another meeting about her lack of focus in class and her obsession with sex. What-ever.

Of course, Dean Turner’s solution seems interesting...it involves a ruler, oral sex and a round of fucking she’ll never forget. Well, at least, not until her next appointment...

Hm. Is is just me, or does that sound a little porny?

Oh, I bet it's just like a Nicholson Baker book--a serious look at sex using porn tropes.

I see Bent Over has received two reader reviews, both five stars! That's promising. I'm sure they'll clue us in:

Most stories I have read here get me wet, true, but this one had my hips swaying until I came along with the female character. My boyfriend wondered why I had such a smirk on my face all day. Wonderful work. I also recommend Daddy's Horny Girl

I truly enjoyed this book. It got me so hot and wet I was lying on the bed reading and cumming hard. I did not want this book to end. I enjoy reading GiaBlue's book... I just enjoy cumming!

Ah, so definitely Nicholson Baker territory, then.

Twelve hours later, Confidence Men has risen two spots to #36. Bent Over is up 12 spots to #27.

Just wait till Chris Matthews has her on Hardball.


9/26 UPDATE: Confidence Men sinks to #44; Bent Over continues its firm, throbbing ride to the top, rising to #24. Clearly, Ms. Blue is beating the pants off of Suskind.

9/27 UPDATE: Blue continues to beat off Suskind, #27 to #54.

Momento mori

Sunday night's Emmy telecast was, on the whole, an above-average awards ceremony. Maybe I just love Jane Lynch (from the Christopher Guest movies and, currently, Glee, which I have mixed feelings about, at best), but I thought she made a dandy host.

But, seriously, can we please, please, please stop abusing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"? I've complained about this before, but who the hell thought that song was appropriate for an "In Memoriam" segment honoring TV folks who'd died in the past year? Did anyone bother listening to the lyrics? Here are the second and fourth verses:

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Does that sound In Memoriam-ish to you? (I was equally puzzled by k.d. lang's rendition at the Canadian Olympic Games, as lovely as it was.) Cohen's meanings can be a bit hard to suss out, but the song would seem to be about a failed love affair, if I'm reading it correctly. Just because it contains the word "hallelujah" doesn't automatically make it appropriate to honor the dead.

Instead, might I suggest Jim Carroll's "People Who Died"? I think it just works better:

Teddy sniffing glue he was 12 years old
Fell from the roof on East Two-nine
Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug
On 26 reds and a bottle of wine
Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old
He looked like 65 when he died
He was a friend of mine

Refrain:
Those are people who died, died
Those are people who died, died
Those are people who died, died
Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Now, that makes an In Memoriam statement. Perhaps Rob Lowe could do an interpretive dance to it.

Expect this to be a talking point at the next Republican debate

I was flipping channels the other day and stopped on the Fox Business Channel for a moment. Some talking head said, quite heatedly, that if the minimum wage were cut in half, business owners would hire twice as many people. And he was serious.

Using that logic, if business owners didn't have to pay at all, they could hire an infinity of people. If they charged workers to work, they could earn extra income. Problem solved, America!

The one in which The Velvet Blog returns to junior high

An NPR reporter on "All Things Considered" last night:

[Rick] Perry is not a master debater.

Well, OK, but is he a cunning ling... NO!!! Must resist cheap gags ... must resist cheap gags ...

Is that a rack of ribs in your pants or are you just glad to see me? It's a rack of ribs? Oh.

News story of the day:

Thief caught stuffing ribs in pants again

CARLISLE, Pa. - A central Pennsylvania man has been charged for a second time with trying to steal a rack of ribs by shoving them down his pants.

Carlisle police tell The Sentinel newspaper that 65-year-old Donald Noone tried to hide about $20 worth of ribs in his pants on Sunday. Police say he attempted to pull the same stunt on May 22 at a supermarket and pleaded guilty to retail theft and public drunkenness.

Police say that since this is a second offense, the theft charge will be considered a more serious second-degree misdemeanor.

There was not a listed telephone number for Donald Noone in Carlisle.

I'm going to give this fellow the benefit of the doubt and assume it's a low-tech attempt at sous vide.

You asked for it! Again!

Odd Google searches that have brought visitors to the shores of The Velvet Blog, with commentary:

harry potter how to summon tiny lizards
"Hey, you--tiny lizards!"

claus von bulow is he still alive
You have no idea. (OK, that's just Jeremy Irons' last line in Reversal of Fortune. But it's true.)

benedict arnold coloring pages
Next up: The Alger Hiss Coloring Book.

my aunt disney world fanny pack
As it turns out, search technology does not, at this point in time, allow you to type in "my aunt disney world fanny pack" and get a picture of the fanny pack your aunt bought at Disney. Soon, though. Soon.

santa claus headshot
Auditioning for a modeling job in the off season? I'm going to suggest: blue steel.

CAR OF DEVIL GO TO HELL WITH ALL YOUR LABOURS
I believe the search term you were looking for is "Chevy Nova."

opening banana
"There is a train everyday leaving either way/There is a world, you know/And there is a way to go/And we'll soon be gone, it's just as well/This is my opening banana." This answers the age-old question, what if Jackson Browne had written "My Opening Banana" instead of "My Opening Farewell"?

birthday quotes for brother WITH PANDA
"Happy birthday, brother ... WITH PANDA!!"

how about dinner? I know this great Vietnamese restaurant
"If I could afford it, I'd have 10 cats."

Weekend weather report

A rerun, from September 2005, because it seemed appropriate.

Folks in the Northeast should expect rivers turning to blood and a plague of frogs this weekend. Bad combination--get out those wading boots! Better yet, stay indoors, as these are mutant killer frogs that shoot laser beams out of their eyes. Whatever you do, don't say "ribbit, ribbit" at them--they hate that.

Farther down the coast, stock up on the Rid and Raid, because Doppler 3000 Color Radar is showing huge clouds of lice and flies. Really, it's not looking good, so stay inside and think about cutting off your hair and wearing lots of layers. Did I mention these are biting flies? Well, they are.

Cattle will be falling over dead in the Midwest today, and it looks like anthrax. Get those windows sealed, OK? And remember: Shallow breaths mean the spores don't go too deeply into your lungs.

Southern California should expect a plague of boils. Man, that couldn't be a worse place, could it? Expect slowdowns in the entire entertainment industry throughout the region.

Folks in Texas and New Mexico need to stock up on rock salt, because a massive hailstorm will be coming their way. Better yet, stay in the basement, because these babies will be as big as canned hams.

The Pacific Northwest can count on a constant stream of giant locusts this weekend. Make sure you have large pots of grain--I hear you can appease the Locust God that way.

Folks in Alaska endure awfully long nights for most of the year. Well, they better get used to it, because there will be no light in the state at all from now on. Have lots of candles ready. Those scented ones are great, aren't they? They really set a mood. Autumn Pumpkin Spice from Ye Olde Yankee Candle Shoppe is especially nice.

And last, it looks like firstborns will be dying off just about everywhere. My advice? Duct tape, and lots of it.

Well, that's about all for the weather. Steve, over to you for sports.

It moved

The earth, that is. Never felt an earthquake before.

Weird. Felt like a truck hit the building.

Yeah, it was just a tiny wee quake here on L.I., and it got me out of the office for half an hour, so I'm not complaining.

Pop quiz

Who wrote this, and to whom? (Some items redacted by me. Also, I've already spoiled this on Facebook, so no fair cheating.)

UPDATE: We have a winner, so I've unredacted the text.

Dear Mr. President.

First, I would like to introduce myself. I am Elvis Presley and admire you and have great respect for your office. I talked to Vice President Agnew in Palm Springs three weeks ago and expressed my concern for our country. The drug culture, the hippie elements, the SDS, Black Panthers, etc. do not consider me as their enemy or as they call it the establishment. I call it America and I love it. Sir, I can and will be of any service that I can to help the country out. I have no concern or motives other than helping the country out.

So I wish not to be given a title or an appointed position. I can and will do more good if I were made a Federal Agent at Large and I will help out by doing it my way through my communications with people of all ages. First and foremost, I am an entertainer, but all I need is the Federal credentials. I am on this plane with Senator George Murphy and we have been discussing the problems that our country is faced with.

Sir, I am staying at the Washington Hotel, Room 505-506-507. I have two men who work with me by the name of Jerry Schilling and Sonny West. I am registered under the name of Jon Burrows. I will be here for as long as long as it takes to get the credentials of a Federal Agent. I have done an in-depth study of drug abuse and Communist brainwashing techniques and I am right in the middle of the whole thing where I can and will do the most good.

I am Glad to help just so long as it is kept very private. You can have your staff or whomever call me anytime today, tonight, or tomorrow. I was nominated this coming year one of America's Ten Most Outstanding Young Men. That will be in January 18 in my home town of Memphis, Tennessee. I am sending you the short autobiography about myself so you can better understand this approach. I would love to meet you just to say hello if you're not too busy.

Respectfully,

Elvis Presley

P. S. I believe that you, Sir, were one of the Top Ten Outstanding Men of America also.

I have a personal gift for you which I would like to present to you and you can accept it or I will keep it for you until you can take it.

The "personal gift" was a Colt 45!

Postcard of the day

My Dear Darling Albie.

Honey do you remember this place.

More from the ongoing Gagnon postcard saga here, here, and (probably, based on the location) here.

(Click to embiggen.)